Mae Young's passing last night marked the loss of one of the industry's giants. WWE recognized her massive influence with the above tribute video. The clip is a shade under three minutes in length, and it heavily highlights Young's time as a semi-active WWF/E personality, a time when she seemed more the target of laughs rather than a member of the chorus. However, as ingrained as she was in the business, she seemed not only to take it in stride, but revel in it. I guess to be a carny, you need to have the thickest skin, but at least her repayment was absolute adoration from everyone she met. Godspeed, Johnnie Mae Young.

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Interrupting Ryback!

...what th--Interrupting Ryback wh

MEAT ON THE TABLE YEAH THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE

In an hour of surreality that included a clip of Triple H playing Gary Southern to the flammable water that is Randy Orton's ego/imminent rematch with John Cena/upset loss to Kofi Kingston, a tiny white bull, Brad Maddox finally showing up as the General Manager of this program and the WWE's floor promithreatening to release a 40-song debut album, the man who set out to snatch the spotlight and did so was The Big Guy.

At first, it seemed to make sense: in the show's opening match, his hetero lifemate Curtis Axel was out to face the suddenly resurgent Kofi, and after Axel got small packaged for the loss it wouldn't've exactly been a shock to see the former #1 contender march on out and Meathook the psuedo Jamaican braids off. Ryback marched on out, sure, sassing the fans, yes, and Kofi got into a defensive stance despite the fact the only thing he'd been able to Trouble In Paradise was the ringpost...and Ryback left. Didn't pay any attention to Axel, or Kofi for that matter.

This occurred, apparently, to remind us all that Ryback existed and wasn't fired. In case the point wasn't made then, he replicated it during the Damien Sandow/Sin Cara follow up match, then again after Barrett played his now-usual Debbie Downer, and a fourth time after 3MB registered their second loss of the evening. What the reaction was supposed to be for normal people was probably annoyance, but from this corner was mostly laughter. How far has the Nexus fallen! (Then again, maybe this is all just a long con, considering how close the tiechoker is to capturing the WWE World Championship title(s).)

But to be fair, it was a show highlight and much needed. Sometimes Main Event veers dangerously close to just being the Perfectly Cromulent Wrestling Hour, and it was nice to see a narrative thread developing throughout the show no matter how crammed with Wilco Tango Foxtrot it is for the time being. Speaking of things that'll make you go hmmm, is it good or bad when in a five-and-a-quarter-man/mascot tag match the most over guy/thing is the mascot?

After being quickly felled with a crucifix in a handicap match against the Prime Time Players, Heath Slater reasserted his dominance as the lead singer of the absolute worst WWE has to offer, and based on a prior segment in which even the general heelish Maddox expressed annoyance with the fact that the trifecta existed they were not to find justice on this occasion, though a sop would be thrown despite their losing their handicap match privileges. So out came Los Matadores con El Torito, bringing back warm, fuzzy memories of back when they used to be a thing, and the trios match capped the program. The crowd was chanting "tag the bull", and that's no Torito.

He justified their love in short order, and without seeing it for months on end it's easy to forget how awesome the basement rana driver is. Of course, if you can explain why a midget in a white suit with a nose ring would have the second deadliest finisher in the WWE behind the AA, then you're probably not the sort to find the walking not running Ryback gag amusing, as well. rett had called the crowd livestock earlier in the evening -- for the bull, but he got off lightly by getting hit in the ginger snaps with a baby bull headbutt when he tried to interfere and setting up Definitely Not Primo And Epico for the double Samoan drop on a hindered Mahal.

On a show where finding out Curtis Axel named his kids Brock and Blade and that ended up being maybe the fifth weirdest thing on offer, what else can you say?

Well, maybe this:

Stop trying to make "regular match that probably isn't even going to end the show after a TLC unification main event match" happen, WWE. It's not gonna happen.

Now, Ryback v. El Torito on the other hand...

For this edition of This Week In Sid History, it seems only fitting that with the Royal Rumble soon approaching, we go through some memories with Sid.

We head all the way back to the 1992 Royal Rumble on January 19, 1992. The Rumble match itself is considered one of the greatest in WWE/WWF History (I’d argue ‘97, but that was also the first Rumble I saw).

Sid was one of the 30 entrants in the Royal Rumble. The stakes for this match would be higher than in the years prior (nobody was a special guest referee at Wrestlemania).

The vacated World Wrestling Federation Championship would be up for grabs in this match. It had been vacated just weeks prior by then-WWF President Jack Tunney. The title had been vacated after the Tuesday in Texas Pay-Per-View match between Hulk Hogan and the Undertaker.

Because they were both top contenders for the title, Hogan and Undertaker received more favorable entry numbers, according to Tunney.

Sid Justice, as he was known during his tenure in the WWF, made the jump from WCW in the summer of 1991. The Wrestling Observer in the June 10, 1991 issue noted that Sid Justice would be a babyface, which rules out the possibility of Hogan and Sid for Wrestlemania 8 (my how things change).

Sid made his Pay-Per-View debut at Summerslam ‘91, when he served as guest referee for the three-on-two handicap match between Sergeant Slaughter, Colonel Mustafa and General Adnan against Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior.

Sid continued to work until October when he was injured, according to the Observer. (As a side note, the October 21, 1991 Wrestling Observer edition has the Sid-Pillman squeegee story).

He would be back in time for the Royal Rumble, which took place at the Knickerbocker Arena (Now the Times Union Center) in Albany, New York.

There were only five matches (not including the dark match) on the card. In addition to the WWF title being on the line, the Intercontinental and Tag Team Titles also were on the line.

Rowdy Roddy Piper won the IC title from the Mountie, while the Legion of Doom retained their tag titles in a countout against the Natural Disasters.

Ultimately, the 1992 Royal Rumble was all about Ric Flair. Anybody who tells you differently doesn’t believe in being fair to Flair.

Flair put together an incredible performance in the Royal Rumble, entering at the No. 3 slot. He had to fend off the British Bulldog, Tito Santana, the Texas Tornado, Big Bossman, Piper and so many others.

(But this isn’t the Chronicles of Flair, this is about Sid, so let’s fast forward, yes even through the Macho Man jumping over the top rope part.)

Our hero entered at No. 29. (NOTE: Edge entered the Rumble in the 29th spot in 2010 and won.) Sid entered to a pop from the folks in the Knickerbocker Arena. Bobby Heenan, who was on fire the entire match with his commentary, quipped “Oh no... I forgot about him.”

In the ring at the time were Hogan, Piper, Slaughter, Savage Rick Martel and IRS. Sid went after IRS, presumably because TAXES. He worked to eliminate IRS, but wasn’t able to do so, immediately charging at Martel, who had been attacking Piper.

After battling both Martel and Piper, Sid went after Flair in the corner, working to eliminate the Nature Boy.

They got out of the corner and did a spot where Flair took Sid down, only for Sid to kip up and clothesline Flair.

A minute later, the 30th entrant of the Rumble, the Warlord, entered the match. Of course, the Warlord didn’t last very long as the 30th entrant.

During this time, Sid was caught in the corner with Slaughter. It wouldn’t last long though as Sid irish whipped Slaughter to the other corner, sending Slaughter airborne and out of the ring.

With much of the focus on Flair and Hogan going at it, Sid went back to work on IRS, leveling some tough shots against the Tax Man. Piper pulled him off and starting fighting, before Martel raked his back, leaving Sid free for a second.

A few seconds later, as Piper was eliminating IRS, Sid got a hold of Martel and tried to wear down the Model.

Sid and Hogan worked together and dumped the Warlord over the top rope, thus crushing Harvey Whippleman’s hopes and dreams of managing a WWF Champion.

With the elimination of IRS and Warlord, it was down to Hogan, Flair, Sid, Savage, Piper and Martel. It wouldn’t last long as Sid pushed both Piper and Martel, who were fighting to eliminate each other over the top rope.

The final four would feature three world champions and Sid. Hogan still focused his attention on Flair, leaving Sid with Savage. Sid hoisted Savage onto the turnbuckle, working to eliminate him.

Flair freed himself the corner with an eyepoke to Hogan, rushing over to the other corner and assisting with the elimination of Savage. Soon it was Flair, Hogan and Sid. Hogan and Flair went back at each other again.

Hogan fought and got Flair over the top rope, but only on the apron. As Hogan tried to push Flair off the apron, Sid did what any wrestler would do in a “Every Man For Himself” type of battle royal, he eliminated someone. That someone was Hogan.

Sid pushed Hogan over the top rope, much to the dismay of Hogan. The two argued briefly as Hogan grabbed onto Sid’s arm, tugging him. Flair used this to his advantage as he grabbed Sid’s left leg and tossed him over (with the assist from Hogan). Flair wins, Heenan celebrates, society is denied a Sid Justice WWF Title reign (for now).

Hogan chased Flair out of the ring, who was joined by Executive Consultant Mr. Perfect in celebration. As Hogan stared at the newly crowned champion, leaving ringside to claim what was rightfully his, Sid approached Hogan and immediately got his attention.

The two argued as officials everywhere ran in to try and keep the two from destroying each other.

Sid’s elimination of Hogan helped set up a potential Wrestlemania match just a couple months later (like I said, things change). It also meant that Sid was on his way to being a heel again. Although, according to an Observer recap from after the Rumble, those in attendance had given Sid a pop when he eliminated Hogan.

This wasn’t the last time Sid and Hogan faced each other. In fact, it would end up happening in another promotion…

Kharma intimidates Michael Cole into eliminating himself as maybe the most intriguing No. 21 ever Photo Credit: WWE.com

Winners: None
Final four: Bret Hart (2nd, 1997); Randy Savage (4th, 1992)
Multiple draws: Aldo Montoya (1995, 1996); Test (1999, 2002)
Longest: Randy Savage (1992); 22:26
Shortest: Warlord (1989): 0:02.
Most eliminations: Six — Ultimate Warrior (1990)

The first of 25 men to enter No. 21, the Warlord in 1989, lasted all of two seconds. That would not bode well for the future. Fifteen of the 25 wrestlers to enter 21st logged no eliminations. Ten lasted less than five minutes. Only two made the final four, and the one who finished second — Bret Hart in 1997 — should have been declared the winner, had referees noticed Steve Austin’s elimination earlier in the night.

Although Hart lasted 21:42, made two eliminations and nearly won his second Rumble, and although Randy Savage lasted 22:26 and also eliminated two en route to the final four, the honor of best No. 21 clearly goes to the Ultimate Warrior in 1990. After being almost entirely ineffective in his Rumble debut two years prior, the newest Hall of Fame inductee was the Intercontinental Champion in 1990 when he absolutely wreaked havoc on the match, eliminating Dino Bravo, Jim Neidhart, Ted DiBiase, Tito Santana, Shawn Michaels and Rick Martel.

With all due respect to some of the truly fun vignettes from the 1989 Rumble, and frankly, with all due respect to just about anything that’s happened since, for fans of a certain age no Rumble moment will ever top the spontaneous showdown between the Warrior and Hulk Hogan. The Orlando Arena crowd rose to its feet as Warrior finished clearing the ring and the ensuing magic is as memorable as anything from any WWF production. Warrior’s Rumble showing that year was a perfect embodiment of his character, and only someone winning from No. 21 will top what he did that night.

No. 21 entrants have accounted for just 18 eliminations in 25 Rumbles — including Warrior’s six. Fifteen of 25 who enters 21st have no eliminations, so nine other wrestlers are responsible for just 12 eliminations. Again, that’s over 25 years. But to be fair, this is the 21st spot. A deeper study might look at how many eliminations were possible for No. 21 given how few wrestlers were left in the ring at the time No. 21 entered. But that’s a matter for another day.

Still, Tantaka entered at 21 in 1994 and lasted 20:07 — plenty of time to record at least one elimination. But he failed to do so, and that places him 18th on the list of most ring time without a single elimination. Ten years later Mick Foley entered 21st. It was supposed to be Test, which would have been his third appearance at 21, but he was found injured backstage. Steve Austin ordered a replacement, and Foley hit the ring, attacking Randy Orton in a frenzy, with his momentum on one clothesline sending himself and the Legend Killer to the floor. Foley was in the ring for all of 43 seconds, seventh on the list of shortest duration with at least one elimination.

Checking in at 12th on that list is 2012’s No. 21, Kharma. The third woman to enter a Royal Rumble, Kharma was in the ring for only 78 seconds, but in that time managed to intimidate Michael Cole into more or less eliminating himself, responded to Dolph Ziggler’s misogyny with a devastating implant buster, stared down Vickie Guerrero and brutally eliminated Hunico, all before Ziggler dumped her over the top and to the floor. Sadly, those 78 seconds were her only official action in a WWE match, but it’s hard to think of anyone who’s done more in so little time.

Four competitors factored in eliminations of No. 21 more than once, and they all happen to be among the greatest performers of all time: Hulk Hogan (1989 and 1990), Ric Flair (1992, 2005) and John Cena (2008, 2010), while Steve Austin three times eliminated No. 21 — twice the victim was Test (Test also was twice eliminated by Big Show). So maybe 2014’s 21 won’t him or herself be a legend, but if there’s a future hall-of-famer in the ring at the time, 21 might be marked with a bullseye.

Bam Bam Bigelow is one of the prototypes of the mobile, agile hoss type that is growing more and more prevalent across the mainstream of professional wrestling. I am not sure if he could have broken through and become a main event player in WWE, but I thought he deserved a better shot than he did from the company. I might argue the events from Royal Rumble '95 up until WrestleMania XI weren't too detrimental to him. But losing to Lawrence Taylor and then having absolutely no follow up was one of the greatest travesties ever. But he did have a pretty decent career from a critical standpoint afterwards, a small silver lining. Of course, he was one of the wrestlers who died at far too young an age. Anyway, the opening moment with his angle with Taylor was memorable and actually a bright spot in the neon-Hammer pants and bad mullet-festooned mid-'90s era of the World Wrestling Federation.

YES! YES! YES! Photo Credit: WWE.com

Episode 125: Bisery Miz-ness

Tom Keiser of The Classical stops by for the first podcast of 2014. We start off obviously talking about Daniel Bryan's big night Monday. We discuss whether the story has been well-executed so far, and I point out that looking at the arc from the end of Hell in a Cell puts everything in better perspective. We talk about spamming infiltration angles (Punk/Outlaws), ruminate on The Shield, and the odd way Bryan's "concussion" has been reported. We then get into some Rumble talk. We talk possible winners, including possibly Roman Reigns but more likely Bryan. Tom reminisces about the '92 Rumble and pleads with WWE to do something with CM Punk. I make an argument for postponing the inevitable Cody Rhodes/Goldust Mania match a year and give my four picks to possibly win the Rumble match. We go off-topic and talk about how wrestling was directly involved in breaking Osama bin Laden's death and Wegman's among others.

Tom then opens up about a bunch of subjects. First, he relays his story about being classmates with Joe Flacco before talking frankly about his sexuality and how it relates to his experience about a wrestling fan. He talks about dealing with wrestling's false macho bravado that people within project, and he lauds Darren Young. Tom actually has a lot of cool anecdotes from his life. We finish up by talking the WWE Network.

Direct link for your downloading pleasure

Sheamus, the latest winner from the No. 22 spot Photo Credit: WWE.com

Winners: Triple H (2002); Sheamus (2012)
Final four: Earthquake (2nd, 1991); Diesel (2nd, 1996); Big Boss Man (3rd, 1998), Kane (3rd, 2003)
Multiple draws: Big Boss Man (1989, 1999)
Longest: John Cena (2001); 34:17
Shortest: Jerry Lawler (1997): 0:04.
Most eliminations: Seven — John Cena (2011)

We’re nearing the end of this 30-day project, but we’re also getting to the good stuff.

While nobody who enters a Rumble at 22 has a chance to do anything as legendary as Ric Flair, Shawn Michaels or Rey Mysterio (or the other guy), there’s been no shortage of great performances from this position. Six men entering at 22 placed in the final four, a mark topped only by spots 29 (seven), 28 (ten) and 30 (14). Two men have won from No. 22 — Triple H in 2002 and Sheamus a decade later. And the No. 22 entrants combined for 35 eliminations in the past 25 years (fifth all time) with only 12 No. 22s failing to record a single elimination.

John Cena holds the honor of the most ring time from No. 22 (34:17), but he earned that distinction in 2011 — the 40-man Rumble. That means he entered at practically the halfway mark, the equivalent of 11 or 12 in a 30-man Rumble. The more pure mark goes to Earthquake, who in 1991 lasted 24:42 and eliminated four men en route to a second-place finish.

Earthquake’s run ended at the hands of Hulk Hogan. It was the first of two straight years Hulk would eliminate No. 22, and the second of two years where he capped a lengthy feud with a one-on-one showdown to win the Rumble, thus freeing him for a title match with a new opponent at WrestleMania.

Triple H also tossed four men en route to winning the 2002 Rumble, which still is the longest Rumble on record at 1:09:22 — 11 seconds longer than the 2011 match. Sheamus, the 2012 winner, made only three eliminations. The final was a surprising ouster of a returning Chris Jericho, the second best non-winner in Rumble history.

So do we give the edge to the winners, or to Cena, who recorded a whopping seven eliminations before the Miz illegally eliminated Cena in hopes of keeping him from challenging for the WWE Title at WrestleMania XXVII? Maybe HHH and Sheamus would have had more eliminations had there been more opponents in their matches. The 2011 match had 14 Rumble rookies, the most since 1997 (16), compared to just eight in 2002 and 2012. Cena narrowly missed the final four, while Triple H had to outlast Steve Austin, Mr. Perfect and Kurt Angle. Sheamus encountered Big Show and Randy Orton in addition to Jericho. Both those are firmly among the toughest final fours ever.

Still, it’s awfully hard to argue with seven eliminations. After all, 27 men have been declared the winner of a Royal Rumble, but only 15 have eliminated seven or more men from a single match. Factor in the longevity, and I think I might give the nod to Cena.

Speaking of guys who got cheated from the No. 22 spot, that discussion starts with the first 22, Big Boss Man in 1989. He was in the ring for just 4:18 because Hulk Hogan, upset about being eliminated, returned to the ring to illegally dump one half of the Twin Towers. There’s no telling how he could have impacted the remainder of that match, especially with his partner Akeem still in the ring.

Boss Man fared much better entering 22nd in 1999, lasting 18:53 and finishing third behind Steve Austin and Vince McMahon, getting credit for two eliminations along the way. The other No. 22 to finish third, Kane in 2003, lasted about 90 seconds longer with one more elimination. Speaking of powerful final fours, the other three that year were Batista, the Undertaker and Brock Lesnar.

Hopefully not lost in the shuffle among all those great performances is the show Diesel put on in 1996. He lasted 17:51 and made five eliminations, but a surprise dose of Sweet Chin Music made him a runner-up as Shawn Michaels earned his second straight trip to the WrestleMania main event. What’s more amazing than this showing is that two years earlier Diesel made two more eliminations with ten fewer seconds of ring time.

Only six of the No. 22 entrants who made it to the ring failed to last five minutes, a strikingly low number compared to most other entry positions. Skull did not appear in his spot on account of injury, but primarily the vacancy was used to sell the idea Steve Austin would not be able to compete in the match — he entered two spots later.

Test, No. 22 in 2001, eliminated William Regal despite being in the ring just 2:08 That’s 24th on the list of shortest stays with at least one elimination. Big Show eliminated Test, the second consecutive year for that pairing.

If not for his surprise appearance in 2012, Mick Foley’s stint as No. 22 in 2008 would have been his final Rumble. It certainly was his last as something close to a member of the active roster, though it’s clear the way he’d been used on TV in 2007 and early 2008 he wasn’t a legitimate title contender. He lasted a quiet 11:29 before Triple H — with whom he had perhaps the most memorable WWF Title match in Royal Rumble history in 2000 — showed him to the floor.

Luger's half-win from '94 is one of two competing spots for best No. 23 ever Photo Credit: WWE.com

Winners: Lex Luger (1994)
Final four: Shawn Michaels (2nd, 2007); Akeem (3rd, 1989); Kama (3rd, 1996); Glenn Jacobs (as Diesel, 3rd, 1997)
Multiple draws: Charles Wright (Kama, 1996; Kama Mustafa, 1998); Glenn Jacobs (Diesel, 1996; Kane, 2009)
Longest: Shawn Michaels (2007); 24:11
Shortest: Hurricane Helms (2002): 0:39.
Most eliminations: Six — Lex Luger (1994)

I perhaps should have explained this in better detail before getting all the way to No. 23, but the only way for me to keep sanity while logging Royal Rumble statistics lo these many years has been to find a way to keep track of performers more so than characters.

This was a problem from the second Rumble, when No. 23 Akeem hit the ring. The same performer, George Gray, entered in the penultimate spot in the inaugural Rumble while still wrestling as the One Man Gang. Factor in Barry Darsow as both Smash and the Repo Man, Tugboat becoming Typhoon and so on, and confusion reigned even early in the 1990s.

Though things got a little more hectic in 1998 when Mick Foley entered the Rumble three times as three different characters, the real turd in the punch bowl was 1997, when Glenn Jacobs, who’d already been in the 1996 Royal Rumble as Isaac Yankem, entered as Diesel — a character already portrayed by another performer. Since we’ve all come to terms with the Fake Diesel and Fake Razor Ramon schtick — and since Kevin Nash has never been in a Rumble under his own name — I simply had to account for all of Glenn Jacobs’ performances regardless character. That’s frustrating because as Kane he’s one of the greatest Rumble participants ever. But I didn’t want to deprive him of the work done in earlier iterations.

That brings us to No. 23, since Glenn Jacobs was “Diesel” that year, lasting 17:49 and finishing third. Despite the fact a WWE.com article tried to give credit to Kevin Nash for this final four appearance, it must be awarded to Jacobs, the first of his five.

(And of course, the muddiest water here between performer and character is the acknowledgement of wrestling as scripted. “Diesel” landing in the final four in 1997 had nothing to do with Jacobs’ athletic prowess and everything to do with narrative, yet I can’t reconcile that knowledge with ascribing those statistics to Nash. So to Jacobs they go, and now he’s one of four men to make five final fours.)

With that out of the way, there is room to give praise to Lex Luger, the only man to win from No. 23. If you read my essay on the 1994 Royal Rumble in the current issue of Atomic Elbow, you already have far too much information and opinion on that matter. But what you don’t have is a declaration of Luger, on account of his co-win and six eliminations, to be the best No. 23 ever. Speaking of peculiarities, Luger gets credit for eliminating Hart, as Hart gets credit for eliminating Luger. That’s another oddity I had to make peace with, but it seemed unfair to strip either man of the achievement.

Only four Rumble winners had six eliminations (five winners had seven or more) and Luger’s 21:58 is good for 12th place on longest ring time of the 27 winners. He’d be bumped down a peg had 2007 No. 23 Shawn Michaels survived the greatest final two collision ever with the Undertaker (he’d also have five eliminations instead of four). Ousting both members of Rated RKO make Michaels the sixth man to dump both members of a tag team in the same match — and it was only the second of three times he’s reached that benchmark. That it happened in the final four is even more impressive. Essentially, the line between Luger and Michaels for best No. 23 is razor thin.

Getting back to Glenn Jacobs, he did almost make the final four from No. 23 as Kane in 2009, lasting 18:21 and eliminating three, but even a legend such as himself was no match for Legay. And speaking of Rumble legends, Steve Austin thrice eliminated No. 23, including two years in a row (1998-1999). That’s something Kane could equal if me makes his way into the 2014 match.

Entering at 23 in 2001, Big Show eliminated Test and K-Kwik before running afoul of the Rock, a total of 83 seconds in the ring, good for 13th all time for shortest stay with at least one elimination and second for shortest stay with multiple eliminations (we’ve covered the leader — Kane dumping four men in 53 seconds in 1999).

On balance, 23 is in the better half, but not the top tier. The five final fours are respectable. Only 13 of 25 men logged an elimination, which is not bad compared to many other spots. Ten spots have produced more total eliminations (23 produced 27). Yet all but seven No. 23s have exceeded five minutes in the ring — in fact the first to fall short was the aforementioned Big Show ring in 2001. One of those who missed was nostalgia act Jesse James, the Road Dogg, who fell short by only 5 seconds in 2012. A remarkable 12 No. 23s lasted 10 minutes or longer.

Also Hornswoggle. But not much more needs to be said about that.

All smiles now, but her against Bryan? WAR FACE Photo Credit: Gregory Davis/DDS

It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, especially around Friday night after Smackdown, and wait for the call. Anyway, time to go!

First up, Stephen T. Stone of the Complete Shot Blog asks what my dream match for 2014 is with no barriers in place.

If contracts, distance, and style are not barriers, then I want to see, at the Rosemont Horizon (or whatever it's called nowadays), unaffiliated with any promotion but my own mind, two of the best wrestlers in the world (if not the best) going at it. In one corner, the uncrowned WWE World Heavyweight Champion, the man who has been everywhere and done everything except maybe headline WrestleMania, the best beard in all wrestling, Daniel Bryan. In the other, the owner of the best and sexiest roundhouse kick in all combat sports whether staged or real, the most recent former JWP Openweight Champion, the owner of the scariest facepaint in all wrestling, Kana. The kicks in the match would be unreal. They'd trade submissions. I don't know who'd win. Wait, actually I do. The fans would.

My other dream match is Triple H vs. three rabid possums. Maybe I'll put that on the undercard...

@OkoriWadsworth asks what my favorite tournament in wrestling is.

The obvious answer is King of Trios. Chikara not only does a great job presenting the trios format, but they have also been super-creative with the teams and matchups they've put together. The three-day format also feels like a festival, maybe the closest thing to a true Wrestling Woodstock that I can think of outside of WrestleMania. Really though, Chikara's grassroots presentation is closer to the original. WWE's corporate sheen makes their weekend look more like '94 or '99.

Since King of Trios is dormant for the time being, however, my favorite active tournament, by far, is DDT4. I can't wait to see how this year's model plays out...

@Doc_Ruiz2012 wants to know if Xavier falls in the Woods, and no one's around to hear him if Brodus Clay gets his gimmick back.

I don't think falling in the woods is proper gimmick transference. I think if Clay wants his gimmick back, he'd have to go to the High Elder Council of Gimmick Infringement, which is all the way in Parts Unknown. I'm not sure he even wants it back.

If I can be serious for a moment (speaking of gimmick infringement), I think Clay needs a fresh start as a wrestler. He's gone as far as he can go as a children's attraction, but I also think he could be a great Monster of the Month for whoever is Champion. The Funkadactyls are better off without him too, as they get to be real live people instead of booty-based valets with pom poms.

Noted anteater @Enrico_Palazzo_ asks why I'd waste Batista's return on Alberto del Rio.

Why I would put Batista against del Rio from jump at first is probably the same reason why WWE is doing it. del Rio has nothing to do, is a great wrestler, and will be able to inject some heat into the Rumble match for reasons other than, well, "Every man for himself." I doubt the confrontation and "feud" lasts longer than the couple of weeks after the Rumble before the hype for Elimination Chamber begins in earnest. I think Batista could do far worse for a reintroductory feud.

Podcast landlord Sawyer Paul of International Object asks what style guide I would decide upon for the wrestling blog community.

Back when I was a columnist/Web manager/jack of all trades for the Drexel Triangle, we used the Associated Press' style guide. Since that guide is the one with which I'm familiar, I would go with that one. Well, either that, or we wrestling writers should create our own style-guide, one that recognizes that the Oxford comma belongs alongside the Saito suplex.

Official Royal Rumble statistician Scott T. Holland wants to know my ideal final four for this year's Rumble.

I want maximum drama. So, my ideal final four would be the four guys I think have the best chance of winning. First is Daniel Bryan, because, DUH. Second, Roman Reigns is left standing. Third, gimme Cody Rhodes, who remains a dark horse candidate to headline WrestleMania and get his ultimate revenge on Randy Orton for getting him fired. Finally, Big Dave Batista, because they have to tease the johnny-come-lately big mainstream comeback in the final. I don't know who should win (well, Bryan should win, but I'd be happy with Reigns or Rhodes), but if drama's the name, then that final four is the game.

As a fallback, however, I would love to see The Shield and Batista being the last four, with the Hounds of Justice taking out Batista and then, calling back to Katniss Everdeen's gambit from the end of the first Hunger Games, all eliminating themselves simultaneously, and claiming victory for the group rather than individually.

Philly sports bon vivant @jackcantcook asks my five favorite Rumble matches ever.

1. 1992 - This one is considered to be the best Rumble ever by a vast consensus, and I find it hard to disagree. Ric Flair was at his best here. He may have had more memorable singles broadways, but overall, this match may have been his best actual single contest run. The Hogan/Justice stuff worked as well.

2. 2010 - This individual Rumble match was actually bound together by three different threads. The first was CM Punk holding court on the mic and eliminating fools. The second saw Shawn Michaels, desperate to get at the Undertaker, try to win the Rumble before getting dumped by Batista, causing his neurosis. Third was the surprise return of Edge come back to dump Chris Jericho and claim his prize. Beth Phoenix's cameo here was great too.

3. 1998 - Austin-won Rumbles are always a fun time. However, in addition to the mayhem wrought by the Texas Rattlesnake, this Rumble featured some gang warfare spillover from the dissolution of the original Nation of Domination, which actually added some much-needed chaos to the match and direction to often directionless characters in the DOA and Los Boricuas. This match also included Mick Foley appearing as all three of his personae, including a CRAZY brawl with Chainsaw Charlie to start.

4. 1994 - This Rumble often gets lost in history because it was buried in the garish mid-'90s WWF, but I can't understate how awesome it was to watch the Diesel push unfold with the original guy, as well as the spectacle of EVERYONE trying to eliminate Mabel. The finish was controversial, but I thought it was a creative way of setting up WrestleMania. Plus, it directly led to Bret Hart vs. Owen Hart, which is one of my favorite matches in Mania and wrestling history.

5. 2011 - The 40 man Rumble could have been a bloated mess, but it actually flowed quite nicely, thanks to more gang warfare between the New Nexus and Corrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre in the beginning. However, this Rumble match was all about the finish, which I think might be the best in its history. When Santino Marella came shuffling back in the ring and apparently eliminated Alberto del Rio, I nearly lost my shit along with the TD Garden. Of course, that result was not to be, but man, I got goosebumps.

Twitter gadfly and Classical contributor Gregg Gethard wants to know where I think Bray Wyatt's ceiling is.

Honestly, the sky is the limit for Wyatt. I think the only thing he needs to do is prove that he can bring it in big matches, and then he can be a worthy heir to the Undertaker. He may not be the guy to be undefeated at WrestleMania, but that streak was not the only thing the Phenom has brought to the table. Wyatt already has passed Taker in promo skills, and he's got a similarly spooky aura around him. He knows how to curdle the blood, and he uses every trick in his seemingly infinite repertoire. Rumors are abounding that he'll be involved with John Cena in some capacity at Mania this year, and while I've heard a lot of my peers balking at that, I welcome that opportunity for Wyatt. He needs big match experience. Why not ease him into it against perhaps the best big match performer in WWE history at an anniversary Mania?

Wrestling fan librarian @LanceGarrison wants a Peter Gabriel-inspired wrestling gimmick.

Peter Gabriel, both with Genesis and as a solo recording artist, has been one of the most imaginative musicians/singers of the last four decades. Wardrobe changes, lyrics, and music videos have put him straight on the avant garde edge. I could see much of his art inspiring wrestlers. For example, a fox-masked exotico based off his Fox on the Rocks wardrobe from stage performances of "Supper's Ready" would fit in well down in Mexico. Kaiju Big Battel would be a wonderful place for a Slipperman to take hold. If the war between the Baltic Siege and Polar Baron's Union rages on, perhaps a trio of sentient Giant Hogweed could come along to make peace ("Long ago in the Russian Hills..."). Instead of looking at his 1982 smash as an action, an enterprising luchador could take on the guise of Choque El Mono. The possibilities, actually, are endless.

Y-Not Radio DJ Joey O wants to know if the following picture is what my nightmares look like.


Not before now, but now they are. Thanks, jerk.

Wrestling fandom's foremost ex-theologian @el_spriggs asks if Punk really is going to retire next year, what should he accomplish between now and then?

I have the same amount of skepticism at Punk retiring as I did when Davey Richards promised to leave wrestling to be a paramedic. That being in mind, if Punk really is serious about retiring, then he needs to have one last story, one last big feud that puts the guy over huge and is able to fill the void that Punk is going to inevitably leave. That feud should be against someone like Dean Ambrose, Big E Langston, or most ideally, Sami Zayn. The match at Mania XXXI would be Punk's farewell, and be plotted out to be so epic in scope that no matter where his challenger would be before the match, he'd end up being a stone cold main eventer afterwards. How it all plays out is up to interpretation. However, Punk going out on his back to put over his replacement has to be the endgame.

I still don't think he'll leave when he says he will though. Not by a longshot.

@Tvs_Tim_Biewald wants to know what's better, cold or hot mac 'n cheese.

Yes.

Wrestling Twitter's foremost user of CAPS LOCK, @typicalROHfan wants to know my ideal condiments/toppings for a cheesesteak.

First off, contrary to popular belief, no real standard for toppings exists for the cheesesteak. The sandwich doesn't need to comprise of anything except cheese, beef, and a roll. Otherwise, the cheesesteak is a blank canvas, ready for anything you want to put on it.

Now, as for my ideal toppings, first, fried onions are a must. Second, mushrooms go really well on a cheesesteak as well. With the onions, I get unctuous sweetness, and with the mushrooms, I get an earthy, textural addition into the steak. To top it all off, I would put some sriracha on it for heat and tang. For completion's sake, my cheese of choice is a nice, creamy American cheese, and the roll is crusty Italian. Damn, now I want a cheesesteak.

Diabolic dinosaur enthusiast @KevinNewburn wants to know if a wrestling storyline could ever replicate what he feels as a Sonics fan while watching Kevin Durant and the Oklahoma City Thunder.

Not only can't I liken that feeling to a wrestling story, I can't even begin to empathize. I'm lucky enough to live in Philadelphia, a city where the fans seem to take sports more seriously than their civic duties and local politics. One time, Norman Braman threatened to move the Eagles to Phoenix, and the backlash was so vitriolic that he had to sell the team. So to lose a team that seemed to have support from the fans like the Sonics feels like a real gut punch. The reality of modern sports relocations usually has very little to do with fan support. The Browns were beloved in Cleveland before Art Modell moved them, for example, yet teams like the Jaguars or Bengals, both of which have had documented problems drawing fans to games at times never have moving rumors materialize into anything more concrete.

All I can really say is I'm sorry that greedy shitbag gross white people decided that they'd rather have your team play thousands of miles away than in your locale. Hopefully, the NBA will do the right thing, grant Seattle an expansion team (along with someplace like Louisville, Pittsburgh, El Paso, or Kansas City, for example), and realign into four eight-team divisions.

Dan Vecellio of the Penn State SB Nation blog Black Shoe Diaries wants to know what's better, Vince McMahon's power strut or Steve Austin "I'm ready to beat your ass" ring walk.

McMahon's "cock of the walk" strut is great and all, but I find watching a guy walk to the ring while he looks like he's holding in a monster log shit to be hilarious more than awe-inspiring. Austin, however, used his ring walk as an extension of his character. However, neither holds a candle to ECW Champion Mark Henry walking to the ring with a pissed-off scowl on his face with an Everest sized chip on his shoulder. Watching him walk to the ring around 2008-09 made me feel like I was about to watch someone get their goddamn wig split.

Brad Hindsight of the Place to Be Nation asks what the Doomsday scenario for the Royal Rumble is.

The absolute bummer scenario would be the loser of the John Cena/Randy Orton match entering himself in the Rumble match and winning. I don't think WWE would drag out this feud from TLC to WrestleMania. They almost never have the landscape stay the same for that specific stretch of time. However, past history doesn't make me any less easy at that scenario playing out.

Austin bro @NDEddieMac asks if they flipped the Bray Wyatt with Daniel Bryan too soon.

If one were to look at Bryan's Life with the Hill-Bill(y) Kult as a self-contained angle within itself, then maybe his sojourn there was too short lived. Despite the fact that I believe people should have the right to watch wrestling the way they want to, I also think looking at the story at such a narrow time window is a mistake. Bryan's arc with the Wyatts started months ago, and he's endured beatings upon beatings upon beatings. I think the breaking point happened when Luke Harper and Erick Rowan threw him off a loading dock (still one of the best shot moments WWE has ever done). So, what was two weeks of beatings in order to get Wyatt in the cage, by himself, with a little help from his best friend? Looking at the story from that perspective might end up providing a bit more clarity and perhaps satisfaction.

Minnesota maven @Jessico09 wants to know my favorite Parks and Recreation character.

Gonna level with you. I don't watch Parks and Rec, but that doesn't mean my favorite character from the show isn't this guy:


@ajuarez_thatSID wants to know what I think went wrong with Dolph Ziggler since his split from Team Rocket.

If one believes the dirt sheets, then Ziggler ran afoul of the bosses by shooting off at the mouth in interviews. Obviously, I don't necessarily believe that's the case, although it would provide convenient explanation as to why Ziggler's been relegated. Ziggler seems to be a savvy guy, and I doubt he'd publicly trash the company especially when they have a reputation of responding to words with bad booking. I still think the outside chance exists that he was playing an angle that got dropped when the SummerSlam buyrate came in.

Now, if you want to know why Ziggler's character fell off, I think it was because WWE really has no idea how to book cocky heel-to-good babyface transitions well. Ziggler came off really phony and cruel in regards to AJ Lee, and I'd hope the non-vocal members of the crowd saw through it and didn't support him with the misogynists who like seeing women humiliated for no reason other than their genitals.

@BrandunKyla asks what names I think are left to announce for National Pro Wrestling Day, and whether anyone from DDT4 will fly out on a red eye to be there.

Well, I can officially eliminate Kevin Steen, Drake Younger, Candice LaRae, Kyle O'Reilly, Adam Pearce, Cheerleader Melissa, B-Boy, PPRay, the RockNES Monsters, Willie Mack, Brian Kendrick, Joey Ryan, Brian Cage, and Christina von Eerie, since they're booked for the Quintessential Pro Wrestling card for that day. As for the other guys, I would count out Chris Hero until he actually makes a Chikaraverse appearance. That shoot interview where he laid into Mike Quackenbush was pretty rancorous, and I'll believe that bridge is repaired when I see it. So, among those who aren't booked in Cali that day, are as follows: AR Fox, Roderick Strong, Tomasso Ciampa, Chuck Taylor, Trent? Michael Elgin, Rich Swann, Johnny Gargano, Adam Cole, Ricochet, Johnny Gargano, and ACH. Of those, I would consider Taylor very likely to come back East, while Swann, Gargano, Ricochet, Fox, and ACH are all somewhat likely, or plausible if you will.

Outside of whom PWG has booked, I'm not sure who else is out there to be announced outside of the Chikaraverse. Obviously, Icarus, the rest of the Spectral Envoy, the Colony, other School of Roc grads, the Batiri, Jigsaw, Mr. Azerbaijan, 3.0, and Knight Eye for the Pirate Guy all could be announced soon. Truth be told, I wouldn't hold out for a whole lot of guys from outside the Wrestling Is sphere of influence. I think the main thrust of this show is going to be majorly advancing the current plot and possibly bringing back the Chikara name and not bringing in ALL THE WRESTLERS like it was last year.

Rowdy N'awlins bro @hakimdropsball wants to know whether I think Jeff Jarrett's new promotion will last more than two years.

I hope so. But in all honesty, that promotion's lifespan is wholly dependent on whether Jarrett and his financial backer, Toby Keith, are able to convince themselves that they're not competitors to WWE (or even TNA and ROH at this point). If they're smart enough and keep their perspectives in perspective, they can fill a niche and maybe, just maybe, be able to "break out" so to speak.

@ray_fuck wants to know what my ideal lunch is.

Asking me what an "ideal" meal is is like giving a wide-eyed theater student an unlimited budget to make a movie. The options available are so immense that I'm not sure I can narrow it down to one dish. Do I go Vietnamese and pick pho? Do I stay more traditionally American and pick a soup and sandwich combo? When in doubt, I will almost always fall back to a cheeseburger. So, with that in mind, I'll take a cheeseburger, done medium-to-medium well, with gruyere cheese, caramelized onions, and horseradish mustard, on a toasted, buttered artisan bun. On the side, I'd have a dill pickle spear and shoestring french fries, fried in lard and salted lightly. Since this lunch is "ideal," I'm eating it on a weekend and can have a beer, I'll pair it with a Kronenbourg 1664.

Finally, Arizona Wildcat @JohnJohnPhenom wants to know why most of the Chikarmy is critical of Eddie Kingston not helping Icarus while most of the other Chikara regulars are also bailing on the former Worst in the World?

Since I'm not in the heads of other Chikarmy members, I can't say why they think that way with any definition. However, the answer might lie in the fact that Icarus has torched bridges with the Colony, 3.0, and so many other traditional tecnicos. But Kingston? Icarus never really did much to wrong Kingston, at least recently. I would say he never did much to wrong UltraMantis Black either recently. In fact, Icarus coming to their aid during Dark Cibernetico ought to have endeared him to those two more than anyone else on the roster. Maybe those fans realize all the context and are putting their scorn on targets who are easier to heap it upon. However, I do agree. Chikara's more important than luchas de apuestas or petty grudges. But hey, what do I know.

I'm sure the Germans have a word for this, but the Germans have a word for anything. I'm sure Abed/Dan Harmon would have some sort of pop culture reference that'd fit, but they're all escaping me. The third NXT of the year started off with hope, promise, and a really good match culminating in Adrian Neville earning his ready for prime time shot at Bo Dallas and the Big X with the always scintillating Red Arrow. However, it was all downhill from there to the point that the usually receptive Full Sail contingent was doing the wave during the main event.

So, this leaves a dilemma: do you use the trainwreck as a starting point to inveigh on possible missteps or the highlight as an underscore of the potential that got left on the table?

Let's start with the trainwreck, since that seems harder to explain and unpack. Kofi Kingston got his rematch against Alexander Rusev, and while it may've left the crowd cold there was no gaping error or Take On Me moment where one could say "Well, that's where the whole thing went up in flames". One small gap in the lacunae here was that even when it was building on the prior match they'd had, while that was being plainly echoed in places it seems that despite Tensai on commentary providing a nice cover story leading into the match that both Bulgarian and psuedo-Jamaican had failed to learn some basic physics.

Rusev shouldn't have missed that many corner splashes even if that did lead to the payoff of him getting hurricane kicked and losing, and Kofi shouldn't've been trying to Irish whip a man the size of a Prius. Again, the match wasn't horrible -- I liked it better than it's lead-in where Bo Dallas beat Mojo Rawley with a tights enhanced rollup after a lot of stalling and almost no offense from the guy who's the longest reigning Champion the minor league's ever had against a guy with fewer than 10 matches under his resume, and even that was better than Ugh C.J. Parker's two-move squash of Jason Jordan--but when a crowd is chanting Ryback's chant the skin is starting to curdle on the pudding. If they were planning to make this another trilogy, perhaps they shouldn't. Let the Turn Kofi Heel Or Something Interesting HAWT TAKES begin anew! What win on Monday Night RAW?

As the COO came out and mentioned NXT going live on the Network come 2/27, what happened next was an easy reason as to why people will be laying down their tenners a month. Neville's lined up for another title shot on that program against the man who in the midnight hour makes them scream Bo, Bo, Bo (that one's for free, Scott Stanford!) and to justify that love he avenged the King Of Vain Tyler Breeze costing him his shot against Dallas a few weeks ago with a clean win here. It started off flashy with Neville pulling out ranas from Parts Unknown and a handspring backflip feint that was so good it almost would make one forget Sami Zayn is slightly injured right now, and culminated in a multi-minute fight in which Neville had to fight off Breeze twice before he could Red Arrow Prince Pretty and stop his winning streak. In the middle, Breeze got to show off his hitting-someone-in-the-face-is-fine-when-I-do-it offense and going full Jericho on a springboard dropkick, and Neville looked as fluid as he has besides the match where he won his #1 contendership at the tail end of last year. If they're all going to be as fresh dollar bill crisp as the one he pulled off here, he needs to fire off a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker way more often.

If you're a Boliever or a WannaBreeze (and why wouldn't you be?), then certain parts of this show were for you. If not--hey, the launch of the Network is coming, and putting the amount of main event NXT matches featuring the Wave is probably 2 and you wouldn't be remiss in taking the under.

Seriously, though, Germans, what's the word for this already?

Hogan's road to the Rumble in '91 had some roadblocks Photo Credit: WWE.com

Winners: Hulk Hogan (1991); Steve Austin (1998); The Rock (2000)
Final four: Big Show (2nd, 2004)
Multiple draws: Steve Austin (1996, 1998); Chris Masters (2007, 2010)
Longest: Big Show (2004); 22:38
Shortest: Chris Masters (2010): 0:29.
Most eliminations: Seven — Hulk Hogan (1991); Steve Austin (1998)

In 1991, riding high at the tail end of the first wave of Hulkamania, Hulk Hogan (and, by extension, the United States of America) entered the Royal Rumble at No. 24, lasted 19:55, eliminated seven men to win his second consecutive Rumble, then went on to WrestleMania VII and his unprecedented third WWF Title.

In 1998, at the dawn of the Attitude Era, Stone Cold Steve Austin entered the Royal Rumble at No. 24, lasted 15:58, eliminated seven men to win his second consecutive Royal Rumble, then went on to WrestleMania XIV and his iconic first WWF Title reign.

So who was the best No. 24 ever? With apologies to The Rock, who in 2000 went 14:47 with four eliminations en route to his own Rumble win, it’s a clear battle between Hogan and Austin. They’ll never mix it up in the ring, so breaking down these numbers may be as close as we’ll ever get.

Hogan gets the edge on duration by nearly four full minutes (entries were spaced by two minutes in 1991, by 90 seconds in 2008). The Hulkster eliminated, by himself, Smash, Greg Valentine, Crush, Warlord, Tugboat, Brian Knobbs and finally Earthquake. Stone Cold, unaided, dumped Marc Mero, 8-Ball, Thrasher, Kama, Savio Vega, Chainz and the Rock.

To really split hairs, it’s notable Hogan made the final two eliminations in his win; Austin was only one-on-one with The Great One after Rock ousted Faarooq, and it was he who’d removed fourth-place Dude Love. I’m inclined to give the edge to the Hulkster, though by the slimmest of margins. Either way, it would take a win plus eight eliminations to vault into top honors for No. 24.

Figuring out the worst is much easier — it’s Chris Masters and his 29 seconds in 2010, edging out Faarooq’s 36 seconds in 2002 and Tyson Kidd and his 53 seconds in 2011. At least Kidd might get another chance to test his Rumble mettle.

Kane entered at No. 24 in 2013. Despite being tossed after just 1:46 — by his partner and co-tag team champion Daniel Bryan, no less, he did have the time to eliminate the Great Khali. On my list of 30 shortest Rumble stays with at least one elimination, this showing ranks 18th — but it’s the fourth time Kane’s name is on the list, after 1999 (53 seconds, four eliminations), 2002 (1:02, one elimination) and 2011 (1:36, one elimination).

Only eight of the 25 men to enter at 24 recorded an elimination, tied with No. 25 for worst among spots 21-30. Were it not for Hogan and Austin, plus Rock and the Big Show, who matched Rock’s four eliminations in 2004 while lasting 22:38 and finishing second, things would look a good deal worse. Nine 24s failed to last five minutes. Genichiro Tenryu lasted 17:21 in 1994, but all that did was add to his 13:17 from the prior year for a total of 30:38 with no eliminations, good for sixth place on the all show and no go top ten. He’s one spot ahead of Honky Tonk Man, whose second Rumble in 1990 was a lot like the first — about four minutes and no eliminations.

Getting into the arcane, take note of Bart Gunn entering at 24th in 1995 — one spot after tag team partner Billy Gunn. That was the fifth time tag team partners entered sequentially, but only the second time that night (Mo and Mabel of Men on a Mission entered at 16 and 17 — and three teams entered sequentially in 1989). But that’s not all. Just like Billy Gunn, Bart Gunn was eliminated by Crush and Dick Murdoch, the fifth of ten times tag team partners were eliminated by the same opponent.

But the fourth time that happened also was in 1995, when Shawn Michaels eliminated both Bushwhackers. And it happened to the Smoking Gunns in 1994 at the hands of Diesel, coincidentally the on-again, off-again tag team partner of Shawn Michaels. In 1994 it was more of a coincidence — in 1995 the Gunns brought it on themselves by getting tangled with each other near the ropes. A cautionary tale, to be sure.

One final note on the Big Show. Yes, he eliminated No. 24 in 2009 and 2010. (Triple H has thrice eliminated No. 24, though never in consecutive years.) Big Show is among four wrestlers to be eliminated by the eventual winner, the second was in 2004, his second runner-up finish. What does it all mean? Not a ton, really, and with Big Show not in this year’s match these figures may never change. (The other three to be tossed three times by the eventual winner are Chris Jericho, also doubtful for the 2014 Rumble, as well as the late Owen Hart and his brother-in-law, Davey Boy Smith.)

Sorry to end on a downer. Come back tomorrow for a look at No. 25 and one more chance to get “Real American” stuck in your brain.

The longest run from No. 25 ended in Rumble overtime and a loss to the Animal Photo Credit: WWE.com

Winners: Hulk Hogan (1990)
Final four: John Cena (2nd, 2005); Mr. Perfect (3rd, 2002); Chris Jericho (4th, 2004)
Multiple draws: None.
Longest: John Cena (2005); 15:28
Shortest: Bob Backlund (1995): 0:16.
Most eliminations: Five — Hulk Hogan (1990)

That Hulk Hogan won the 1990 Royal Rumble wasn’t surprising — he was the reigning WWF Champion at the time. It was kind of he shock he failed to win the 1989 Rumble, but since his win from No. 25 in 1990, there hasn’t been a truly unlikely Rumble winner outside of Vince McMahon in 1999. Perhaps Alberto del Rio’s 2011 win was unexpected relative to the field, and smart money was on Chris Jericho to win in 2012 instead of Sheamus. But as unpredictable as the match itself might be, the list of winners is almost entirely populated with pedigreed Champions and hall of famers.

So Hogan’s 12:49, five-elimination performance in 1990 wasn’t just the best showing from No. 25, it was something of a standard setter for Rumble winners. No one else has won from 25, but since Hogan 14 of the 24 winners have entered between 22 and 30 (not including Del Rio, who entered 38th in a 40-man Rumble). Outside of Jim Duggan in 1988, positions 1-8 produced seven winners. The other two champs entered at 18 and 19. Essentially, the mid- to late-20s are where it’s at, more than half the time.

That said, No. 25 isn’t all that great a spot considering the standards of the posts it abuts. It’s produced one of each of the final four spots — most notably a surprising run to third place by a returning Mr. Perfect in 2002. John Cena lasted ten seconds longer than Mr. Perfect in 2005 to claim the mantle of most ring time for No. 25.

That stint, of course, was extended when Cena and Batista eliminated each other at the end of the match. Rather than have co-winners, a la Bret Hart and Lex Luger in 1994, Vince McMahon ordered the match be restarted, an overtime session of sorts, and Batista eventually won … though Cena also eventually earned a title shot at WrestleMania. Ah heck, who remembers anything besides McMahon tearing both of his quads while trying to strut into the ring?

Remarkably, only five men who entered 25th failed to reach five minutes in the ring. Of those, the second was Barry Horowitz who lasted 4:15 in 1996 — not too bad for a career loser. The first was Bob Backlund, whose 16 seconds in 1995 fell short of his best run, in 1993, by a full 1:01:10, the largest gap in Rumble history between a wrestler’s best and worst performances, and the only such gap that exceeds an hour. A dubious distinction indeed.

Some 14 of the 25 men to enter 25th lasted ten minutes or longer. But despite hanging around in the match, No. 25 rarely makes an impact when it comes to elimination. Seventeen 25s eliminated no one. The spot has accounted for only 18 eliminations total, which makes Hogan’s five stand out all the more.

Perhaps more good things would have come from Shawn Michaels in 2005 (12:55, three eliminations) had Shane McMahon not illegally eliminated the Heartbreak Kid. Perhaps even one good thing would have come from Bastion Booger had he successfully entered the 1994 match. Much like the charade when Skull didn’t enter as scheduled in 1998, leading to suspicion Steve Austin was too hurt to enter, Booger’s no-show had many thinking Bret Hart’s bad leg put him on the sideline, only to be proven wrong when the Hitman entered two spots later.

A few names pop up more than once on the list of those who have eliminated the 25th entrant: Kane (Billy Gunn in 2000 and A-Train in 2003), Big Show (Chris Jericho in 2004 and Jack Swagger in 2012) and John Cena (Mark Henry in 2008 and Heath Slater in 2011). That’s not especially notable, but this look back through all the numbers shows it’s more rare to have a position with no multiple draws — there’s almost always at least one repeat entry over the years.

That said, a handful of current active roster members have entered 25th, and at least one, R-Truth, is a confirmed 2014 entrant as of blog posting time. Another, Billy Gunn, had been listed as a 2014 entrant but is no longer counted as such. But no matter who draws No. 25, chances are good they’ll be in the ring for at least 10 minutes. It wouldn’t be a shock for No. 25 to land in the final four. But a truly dominant performance would certainly be a departure from the norm.

Big Dave Batista makes his big WWE return tonight at RAW in Dayton, OH. In honor of the big galoot making his long-awaited comeback, why not have a gander at the Royal Rumble he won almost a decade ago. NINE YEARS? Holy shit, I feel old. Anyway, this Rumble match was famous mostly for the redo of the 1994 Rumble finish with a twist of OVERTIME instead of co-winners. Batista and John Cena were the final two, and in order to decide, Vince McMahon waddled out and tore both his quads. Anyway, watch and enjoy!

Well, quite a few wrestlers have been named to the National Pro Wrestling Day roster since the last update, five to be exact. All of them relate to the Wrestling Is family of promotions in some way, and all five are alumni from last year's event as well. Getting down to business...

The Latvian Proud Oak is the first name on the list this time around. If I'm not mistaken, his first match was at National Pro Wrestling Day last year, tagging with his Baltic Siege teammate the Estonian Thunder Frog against the Devastation Corporation. If I may divert for a second, the Devastation Corporation (all three), along with their Wrecking Crew stablemates Jaka and Oleg the Usurper destroyed Wrestling Is Respect yesterday. Using the Gekido and Dr. Cube as decoys, Sidney Bakabella's boys laid the silver hammer down upon Respect's head to make sure that it was dead.

What does this all have to do with the Baltic Siege? Well, they appear to be firmly in the resistance camp against those who wish eradication of everything Chikara from the timeline. Saturday, the Gekido and Dr. Cube tried to take down Wrestling Is Fun! at the Funplex in Easton, PA. However, the Estonian Thunder Frog stood alongside Icarus and Dasher Hatfield to turn them away and keep the place going. Both the Thunder Frog and Hatfield standing beside Icarus is not insignificant. Aside from absolutely melting Danielle's heart by a display of solidarity and friendship, they are the first two wrestlers to lend support to Icarus at a live public display (Hallowicked did so in the Ashes videos).

With all three members of The Siege now announced for NPWD, Icarus presumably has the beginnings of a formidable army. However, while the presumably Condor Security backed allied forces of certain Chikara DOOM form one lance of a pincer attack, another force lurks from the rear. The Polar Baron and the Proletariat Boar of Moldova left this message, an offer for the Siege if you will, one that they "can't refuse." Obviously, bad blood is flowing between the two like the pink slime in the sewers of New York City courtesy of the Sorrow of the Boar's home country in Ghostbusters 2. I have to wonder, however, whether this Union is a separate entity, or whether the Polar Baron himself is a representative of the Condors, the Titor Conglomerate, and the associated forces of the Vavasseur family. If so, the reckoning at National Pro Wrestling Day might be apocalyptic.

But none of the above is to deflect from the other four names added to the roster in the interim. Next on the list is the spitfire herself, Heidi Lovelace, who controversially took an epic ass-whipping in the Wrestling Is Heart showcase match at last year's event. I felt uncomfortable watching it at the time, but she did come out looking better for the experience. Her star has risen across the Midwest, as she's debuted in SHIMMER, has become a mainstay in AAW and other promotions around the Mid-South area, and even defeated Eddie Kingston in her home promotion of WIH. I am thrilled to see how much she's grown in a year as a performer.

Third, the second member of the Colony, Fire Ant will be punching his ticket to Easton. Last year, he was involved in a blithe, lighthearted atomicos match, but this year, he, along with Green Ant, seem to be at the center of some heavy stuff involving the search for their fallen comrade Soldier Ant and whether they can really trust their forced ally assailANT.

Across the ring from Fire Ant in that atomicos match were Los Ice Creams among others, and they will be returning to the fray this year as well. They are presumably going to be comic relief, but to sell them short because of that fact is a goddamn disservice to what they do in the ring. Whatever their role is in the show will end up being one of the best things on said show. Also, reminder that Los Ice Creams gave the world "¡ME GUSTA RANDY ORTON!" at last year's show.

So yeah, things are definitely heating up within the Chikaraverse. I am pretty sure that whatever happens at National Pro Wrestling Day, nothing within the dimensional fabric will be the same. Or maybe it will be the same as it was before Chikarasaurus Rex 2012? I'm so confused...

Best. Postgame. Interview. EVER.

Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 4) - WWE is refunding house shows because he can't appear on them. Choke on that, haters.

2. Richard Sherman (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Sherman is the poster boy for everything I love about pro athletes. I adored Barry Sanders for his electrifying play on the field, but when he just handed the ball to the official after a touchdown, I kinda was slightly disappointed. Then again, that was Sanders' nature. He was a humble dude, but he was exciting in his own way. Sherman is like that on the field too, but goddammit, he's even better off it. He's a pro wrestling personality playing football. And to all those racist shitheads out there who wanna call him a "thug" or "classless" or whatever other coded language is used to denigrate someone for showing emotion? Dude graduated from Stanford with honors, and he's working on a Masters. Ten bucks says half the people muffling the n-word couldn't even get into Stanford.

3. Rachel Summerlyn (Last Week: 3) - This week will be Summerlyn's last on the list. She isn't getting any less awesome, but all signals from her end seem to indicate her career as an in-ring performer is over. I know she'll continue to do great things in the business though - she's too experienced and talented not to lend a hand to certain Austin promotions who run at the Marchesa Theater cough cough - and hey, she'll always be around the Twitters doing her thing. I wouldn't think of this as a demotion. She's more becoming the "Best in the World in Perpetuity" or "Emeritus." You can't just STOP being as fan-fucking-tastic as she is, y'know.

4. Emma Thompson (Last Week: 9) - Not content to let J-Lawr win the photobombing game, Thompson enhanced Lupita Nyong'o's photo op at the Screen Actors Guild Awards last night. I'm gonna have to give the win in this round to Lawrence though, because one, her scowling photobomb was a way better pose, and two, she nailed Taylor Swift, who's way more deserving of a 'bomb than a relatively innocuous actress whose claim to recent fame was being in the powerful (if hard to watch according to most who've seen it) 12 Years a Slave.

5. Hard-boiled Eggs (Last Week: Not Ranked)OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - I've resisted them for so long, and then I had one today in my lunch salad. I HAVE BEEN DEPRIVING MYSELF FOR FAR TOO LONG.

6. AJ Lee (Last Week: 2) - I'm excited for a potential Divas Championship match for the first time since Lee took on her once-and-future bestie Kaitlyn (pbuh) last year with this match against Naomi on the horizon. Hopefully, they get whoever's in charge of the women in NXT to lay this story and match out.

7. Mark Henry (Last Week: 5) - I really hope that Henry just shows up to every awards show from here on out and splits every wig for snubbing his salmon coat-aided retirement fakeout. FUCK IT, GIVE HIM A JAMES BEARD AWARD TOO. YOU KNOW MARK HENRY CAN MAKE A PERFECT SOUFFLE WITHOUT COLLAPSING THE STEEPLE.

8. Jennifer Lawrence (Last Week: 1) - Look, I'm not saying acting performances aren't subjective, and that physical beauty isn't in the eye of the beholder. I understand why people might be impatient or dissatisfied with Chikara, or why some meat-eaters might feel a backlash towards bacon. I can even accept them. But backlash against Lawrence? Well, it could be my incredible bias showing. Wait, it is my incredible bias. Still, J-Lawr rules, everyone else drools.

9. Erin Andrews (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Her deadpan "WHO was talking to you?" follow-up to Sherman was outstanding. A small part of her being her is owed to her fashion sense. Look, she's mostly up here because she was the Gene Okerlund to Sherman's Randy Savage (and if you don't think Mean Gene played an integral role in Savage's backstage interviews, you don't know your wrestling history), but I gotta give a nod where a nod is due. That peacoat and scarf combo she was rocking pregame was tight.

10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: 10) - SARA DEL REY FACT: Her smile is registered in 15 states as a deadly weapon.

The biggest crime in professional wrestling is not to have a character. You can be subtle. You can be a "tweener." You can try to paint the corners and use shades of colors that might be foreign to the target audience. But you have to have a character. You have to have motivations.

For all I know, Triple H and Stephanie McMahon have an endgame in sight. They could be heading towards a reckoning, where their master plans come to fruition in a Sixth Sense-level crescendo of sense and swerve. I am terrible at predicting these kinds of things, and WWE has a way of pulling things out of its posterior to the point where I can't be bothered to wonder whether they'd planned it all along.

But right now, The Authority is a cup of coffee that sat out with the insulating lid off the styrofoam for too long. It's no longer piping hot, nor has it been exposed to the elements necessary to make it suitable for iced coffee. It's room temperature. Lukewarm. Gross. Triple H has spent the last month splitting his time being angry at Randy Orton, his golden calf if you will, and playing the glad-handing CEO, bringing back all your faves like Brock Lesnar and Batista, who came out to an unprecedented reaction according to JBL. My hate boner for the former Bradshaw might be at priapism levels, but maybe he is right. I mean, shouldn't a star like Batista get a good crowd reaction? Unprecedented for him to get one on the level as what Daniel Bryan gets when he's not even in the arena while Heath Slater tangles with Justin Gabriel (and I like Batista!). But I digress.

McMahon's cool-down is even more distressing, because her "mom voice" used to be used for concern trolling passive aggression. Now, she just moseys onto the screen, reprimanding her wards for things they probably deserved to be reprimanded for. Her purpose seems to be gone. Now she's just a droning nag of a character. What happened to the McMahon who raised the mask of Kane like a trophy she personally gained through strategic hunting and skillful knifework? What happened to the McMahon who feigned interest in Big Show's married life under the ulterior motive of wanting to keep the World's Largest MAthlete under her thumb?

The Authority has gone from maniacal evil presence to this amphoteric meter of corporate "justice." Maybe that asshole boss just protecting the bottom line is a good enough villain in this increasingly class-unequal America, but WWE already had the perfect guy to assume that position. Big Johnny, gone but never forgotten. Right now, this arc for the McMahon-Helmsley power consolidation feels an awful lot like two people who want to play both sides of the fence. They appear to be fishing for cheers on one hand, posting their petulant manchild Randy Orton to the whipping stake and giving him verbal lashes, all the while flirting with the sinewy, statuesque suitors who would love a crack at his title like John Cena and Batista.

Of course, this sweeping change in the Authority's personae comes not without real life context. Apparently, Vince McMahon said somewhere that he doesn't book faces and heels anymore, that he paints with shades of gray and builds characters. I am all for that kind of storytelling, but in order to create a compelling overall story, the main characters have to have even more care taken to their construction. Good and evil no longer are there to serve as crutches for weak characterization. WWE has seemingly gotten it right in some cases. The Wyatt Family is so creepy that I want to jeer them back to the set of Deliverance where they belong, but their message resonates just enough that maybe I want them to turn WWE into their own personal bayou.

But the bosses are just people who show up and get mad at their employees, often to no satisfactory reason as to why. Sure, I get why they're mad at Orton nominally, but the crushing weight of context doesn't allow them to continue on this path without major strain to the viewer, at least this one. For the autumn, I was content sipping my Authoritarian Latte, but it's gone too cold. I'm ready to spit them out if they don't course-correct and show me something, anything, that suggests they've still got a higher purpose on this show.

After nearly four years, Batista came back to WWE. The wardrobe screamed DOUCHEBAG, which in Batista's case is excellent. His best character work came as SPAHTLITE-hogging, John Cena-insulting, too-cool-for-school self-absorbed star. However, stated endgame reminded me more of the Batista who feuded with Randy Orton in 2009, whose main character thrust was saying "I CAN HAS TITLE SHOT?" Still, one night back is barely enough to make a full judgment. Hopefully, he'll contribute to what is quickly becoming WWE's Golden Age of HOSS in a positive way like Big E Langston, Mark Henry, Ryback, and Sheamus have, and not in the negative way like Mason Ryan did.

No one has won from the No. 26 spot, but Kurt Angle is one of two who placed second Photo Credit: WWE.com

Winners: None
Final four: Big Show (2nd, 2000); Kurt Angle (2nd, 2002); Hulk Hogan (3rd, 1992); Rick Martel (4th, 1993)
Multiple draws: Rick Martel (1993, 1994)
Longest: Kofi Kingston (2011): 24:04
Shortest: Shawn Michaels (1990): 0:12.
Most eliminations: Four — Big Show (2000)

There have been 24 Royal Rumbles with precisely 30 entrants. Sixteen of the men declared the winner (or co-winner) entered between 22 and 30 — yet it’s never happened for a 26th entrant.

The closest were Big Show in 2000 and Kurt Angle in 2002, who finished second, and Hulk Hogan, who ended a memorable third in 1992. Rick Martel finished fourth in 1993, but no one expected him to outlast Bob Backlund, Randy Savage or Yokozuna at that point, and he met those low expectations. What’s most notable about that run is he entered at the same spot the next year and lasted exactly one second less — that might be the most rare, unlikely to be replicated Rumble quirk of them all. Also odd, but not as rare, is Martel twice entered at No. 26 and twice eliminated No. 26, doing so in 1989 and 1991.

Big Show gets the nod as the best No. 26 ever. He was in the ring almost five minutes less than Angle in 2002, but Show tossed twice as many men — and one more than Hogan dumped in 1992. Longevity’s never been a strong suit of the World’s Largest Athlete. He’s been in nine Rumbles (only four men entered more) and made 24 eliminations (sixth all time, tied with Hogan) but collectively lasted only 1:03:57 in the ring — 37th on the list — an average of just 7:06 per match.

By comparison, Hogan racked up his 24 (legal) eliminations in just four matches and 55:44 in the ring — an average of 13:56 per match. Hogan also won twice in three trips to the final four, including as No. 26. The lesson? No one Rumble stat can define “the best.”

In a related vein, Kofi Kingston holds the crown for longest stay from No. 26 at a whopping 24:04. But he did so in 2011, the 40-man Rumble. The longest stint in a 30-man Rumble belongs to Angle in 2002, holding a near four-minute advantage over Mankind in 1997.

Shawn Michaels is arguably the greatest Rumble participant. But he’s not helped in that discussion at all by his second appearance, a 12-second washout in 1990 when he was cleared from the ring, in a flurry of other eliminations, solely to make way for the Hogan-Ultimate Warrior showdown. That’s 38:29 shorter than his longest showing, the 38:41 he put up in his wire-to-wire win in 1995. The disparity is 16th on the list of widest gaps between best and worst.

Here’s one for the “what if” crowd: What if Triple H had succeeded in his first attempt at eliminating The Brian Kendrick in 2009? Kendrick hit the ring, pushed Kofi Kingston off the top turnbuckle and immediately set about dancing in the middle of the ring, as Kendrick was wont to do. A clearly agitated Triple H grabbed Kendrick and attempted to have him exit stage left, but Kendrick sort of bounced off the middle rope. So HHH grabbed him again and lofted him over the top on stage right.

Had the first attempt worked, would Kendrick have eclipsed MVP’s dubious mark of the shortest duration with at least one elimination (seven seconds in 2010) be the standard? As it was, Kendrick is credited with 15 seconds, second on the list and far ahead of the 33-second mark shared by Booker T (2002) and René Duprée (2004).

It remains a shocker there’s not been a winner from No. 26. All but seven who entered 26th lasted 6:53 or longer. Ten of them lasted 10:20 or longer. The spot has accounted for only 22 eliminations. Yes, it’s darn near the end of the match, but the final four spots all have significantly better track records.

Where we’ve been (with a not-so-brief aside about CIMA)

Dragon Gate in 2013 lacked the same strong through-line that had marked both 2011 and 2012. In 2011, the main story was the feud between Junction Three and Blood Warriors. While stable warfare is one of the bedrocks of Toryumon/Dragon Gate, this was the first time that the entire roster was thrown into one of two groups, and a singular feud ran up and down the card. This paid dividends both creatively and in terms of match quality. It was a return to form for the organization after an extended period of artistic aimlessness and organizational controversy. At the top of the card, veteran ace Masaaki Mochizuki had a very productive Open the Dream Gate title run, stabilizing a belt that had passed through the hands of the new generation stars (Shingo Takagi, Naruki Doi, YAMATO, and Masato Yoshino) with varying degrees, but overall very little, success.

2012 was all about CIMA’s final title run. When writing about Dragon Gate, CIMA is inextricable. From the day the company landed in Japan as Toryumon, he was one of the aces. By the time Dragon Gate was launched in 2005, he was the ace, and many of the issues the company had pre-2011 stemmed from their first attempt to find the next generation hero. At the time, no one could replace CIMA.

After winning the Dream Gate from Mochizuki at the end of 2011, CIMA declared he would defend the title every month. Thus, 2012 became the story of his final act as ace. The match quality of CIMA’s defenses varied wildly (big match CIMA can be very hit-or-miss depending on the opponent), but no one could have accused him of holding back anything in the ring. The year of 2012 made it clear why the promotion had so much trouble trying to replace him: Whatever shortcomings he may have as an in-ring technician are rendered completely and utterly meaningless by the fact that, well, he is CIMA. He is a professional wrestler, in 24-point, bold typeface and all that connotes.

The Internet (which I understand is not a monolithic entity, but you know what I mean when I write “the Internet”) often associates puroresu with Toshiaki Kawada stoically kicking a dude in the face and then giving a post-match interview that Dean Rasmussen once compared to some sort of county commissioner discussing the leaf collection schedule (Or something like that, the DVDVR archive is sadly MIA at the moment). The soundtrack that runs through your head while watching puro is supposed to evoke Ennio Morricone.

That doesn’t happen with CIMA.

Toryumon/Dragon Gate has always been a DIY, garage rock alternative to All Japan, New Japan, and NOAH, and it has always succeeded wildly in that respect. Thus the best (and hey, probably the worst) CIMA matches evoke the sounds of Ziggy-Stardust-era Bowie fronting Descendents. This is partially why the Japanese fight press has never taken the promotion particularly seriously, despite it being by far the most successful indy, and why those of us that love the promotion don’t really care about the Japanese fight press.

Lest this turn into an essay on CIMA (and that is likely coming down the line), let’s continue with our retrospective. The second half of 2012 was about CIMA besting each of the potential next generation aces. This caused some consternation on, well, “the Internet.” CIMA has been ‘the guy’ for so long, that familiarity has long since begun to breed discontent. CIMA beat Akira Tozawa, YAMATO, Doi, Yoshino, and then Takagi and BxB Hulk in a three-way match, across his July to December defenses. The first and last defenses were the only ones that really even had a modicum of drama going into the matches. Everything else was all a bit perfunctory. Still, there was something beautiful about these matches.

Mind you, if Triple H or John Cena had defeated Daniel Bryan, CM Punk, Alberto del Rio, Ryback, and then Sheamus and Antonio Cesaro, my reaction would probably be a bit different (assuming I still really cared about WWE of course). But with Trips and Cena, it’s always seemed like their superstardom was an example of an amateur screenwriter telling rather than showing. Both their characters have too often tended towards bad wrestling fan fiction, Mary Sues in the writer’s room. With CIMA, it was always clear that he was the ace of the promotion. His title defenses, from the CIMA Royale setup, to the pre-match hype, to the matches themselves were a template in how to be the Open the Dream Gate champion. They became a series of lessons for that next generation, a syllabus to eventually make their own. The end results weren’t about burying up-and-comers at the expense of an aging ace-- it was clear soon into the title reign that this was going to be it for CIMA-- but rather a final expression of what a Dragon Gate ace should be.

This would become clearer in 2013, but it was perhaps the only thing that did so for Dragon Gate. The first part of the year was marked by a continuation of the monthly Dream Gate defenses. CIMA would actually beat Yoshino and Tozawa a second time, before finally dropping the belt to Shingo Takagi at the July Kobe World Hall show (Dragon Gate’s Wrestlemania equivalent). This was a bit of a make-good win, as CIMA was likely going to drop the title to Takagi at World during his previous reign in 2008, but was injured and forced to vacate the belt before their match. Takagi would go on to lose his first defense to YAMATO, who had turned on him shortly before World, the final nail of the coffin in their unsuccessful Akatsuki stable. YAMATO would only make one successful defense himself, a match of the year candidate against Ryo Saito, before dropping the belt to Masato Yoshino, who would defend it to the end of the year, including a defense against Naruki Doi, who like with YAMATO and Takagi, had recently turned on Yoshino, ending their World-1 International group. Meanwhile, BxB Hulk booted Akira Tozawa from Mad Blankey, the main heel stable, making room for YAMATO and Doi to join up, while their respective rivals all formed Monster Express in response

I suppose then you could call 2013 a world-building year. With CIMA taking on a much-diminished role by the Fall, and Mochizuki comfortably settled in his own corner office, the next generation of Dragon Gate spent 2013 moving into their roles for the next chapter of the story. The YAMATO heel turn was a long time in coming as his look and ring style fit better there. BxB Hulk is also a much better heel than babyface, though that is the faintest of praise. And while Doi can function in either alignment, breaking up his Manzai tag team with Yoshino was going to be necessary for them to be taken seriously as main event players again, and in fact had just that effect. The Tozawa babyface turn was coming for perhaps even longer than the YAMATO heel turn, and while for years his popularity in Japan lagged in relation to his popularity among American Indy fans, he seems well-positioned to have a big 2014 as a babyface. As for Takagi? Well, he’s equally unremarkable in either role, so…yeah.

The other major piece of world-building in 2013 was the debut of the Millennials stable. Comprised of wrestlers born after 1990 (aaaaaaannnnnnnnd I feel old), the stable appeared to be an attempt to recapture the success of Toryumon’s Italian Connection group, all the way down to the red, white, and green color scheme and the mostly perfunctory nod to a lucha libre influence. Despite having the same grand, interloping designs of the Italian Connection, the group lacks a Milano Collection AT or a Masato Yoshino to lead them. I think T-Hawk/Mr. Pii Pii Tomokomai Penguin/“Naoki Tanizaki”/Tomahawk TT/Takayu Onodera (yes, we’ll cover all that in a moment) is still a star in the making, but he’s not ready to lead a group, and so far the audience takes his cohorts Eita and U-T even less seriously. Despite their initial success in capturing each of the tag belts, both their results and their rhetoric have been scaled back on recent shows. They’ve received the support of CIMA in their battle with their generational foes Ryotsu Shimizu and Kotoka, but that feels like a far cry from their early declarations that they would destroy the old generation of Dragon Gate, and more like an attempt to salvage the stable through an association with CIMA.

So going into 2014 we know that Dragon Gate is going to look very different from its last few years, but I am less sure that 2013 provided many hints into what the final outcome will look like.

The requisite awards

Match of the Year: Nombre contra Destierro: "Naoki Tanizaki" vs. Mr. Quu Quu Toyonaka Dolphin (1/27/13- Kobe Sambo Hall)

I covered Dragon Gate’s recent highlights in rather broad strokes in the last section, and some very fun undercard stuff had to get cut for space (hmm, you seem a bit incredulous). Underneath the CIMA stuff in 2012 was the very entertaining Naoki Tanizaki vs. "Naoki Tanizaki" feud.

Okay bear with me, this might take a while.

In early 2012, Naoki Tanizaki (from here on referred to as Naoki Tanizaki) was one-third of the Open the Triangle Gate champions with Naruki Doi and Kzy as Team Doi Darts. After suffering a shoulder injury, instead of vacating the belts, Blood Warriors replaced him with Tomahawk TT. Of course, being Dragon Gate, the entire stable pretended that he was in fact Naoki Tanizaki. TT ditched the facepaint, got a Tanizakish haircut, and went as far to sharpie on Tanizaki's shoulder tattoo (which would inevitably sweat off during the match). TT even (from here on referred to as "Naoki Tanizaki") wrestled like Tanizaki, using all his signature knee-based offense. Everyone acted like this was totally normal, and to be fair "Tanizaki" was a pretty convincing, uh, Tanizaki (as long as you ignore the whole being fatter thing). In fact when the real Naoki Tanizaki returned, everyone else declared him an impostor and ran him off, though eventually the Jimmys were convinced and took him in. Naoki Tanizaki was determined to reclaim his name and challenged "Naoki Tanisaki" to a name vs. name match as part of a Triangle Gate challenge, which he would lose. As part of the stipulation, "Naoki Tanizaki" got to rename Naoki Tanizaki, and he chose...Mr Quu Quu Toyonaka Dolphin.

Um, I'll let Jae from iheartDG.com explain:

"Tanisaki said that the win proved once and for all who the true Naoki was. He taunted Tanizaki, who was naturally upset & crying. Tanizaki accepted the loss, and was fine with continuing on as Jimmy Tanizaki. However, the win gave Tanisaki the right to pick his new ring name. He wasn't going to let him off that easy. Tanizaki and his crying reminds him of a dolphin. Then, he thought of the sound a dolphin makes when it cries. It sounds like kyu kyu. Tanizaki is from Toyonaka. So therefore, the name he chose for him is....Mister Kyu Kyu Toyonaka Dolphin. Really."

(By the way, the above two paragraphs are probably a good litmus test for how we will get along. There is nothing in them that is not pure, undistilled awesome.)

"Naoki Tanizaki" and Mr. Quu Quu would continue to feud for the rest of the year, finally culminating in this match. The stipulations were simple, if Mr. Quu Quu wins, he gets his name back and gets to rename "Naoki Tanizaki." If he loses, he is banished from Dragon Gate.

I will confess, so much has happened in Dragon Gate since this match that it feels like it took place in 2011, not 2013. But for me it harkens back to the days of wild blowoff matches in Toryumon. There's loads of outside interference, a false finish, a restart, and a wildly hot crowd in Dragon Gate's home arena. It wouldn't feel out of place next to SUWA vs. Dragon Kid, mask vs. hair or Dragon Kid vs. Darkness Dragon, mask vs. mask. Granted, neither of those matches have aged particularly gracefully, but I have a soft spot for that kind of storytelling. Tanizaki vs. Tanizaki is a better "match" than either of those, but this isn't really about workrate calculus either. This is about Tanizaki finally emerging victorious and unfurling a large scroll naming TT "Mr Pii Pii Tomokomai Penguin," because he is from Tomokomai and looks like a penguin, while Genki Horiguchi, mimics walking around like a penguin in the ring. That is why Dragon Gate makes me smile year after year.

(N.B. the entire match is available as part of Infinity 285 at openthedragongate.com)

MVP: YAMATO

Sure this could be CIMA, but he really has scaled back is role a lot since dropping the title in July and would have been a near-unanimous pick in 2012. I didn't mention it above, but YAMATO is the next generation figure probably best-suited to taking up the mantle of ace. I think Dragon Gate may transition back to a multiple ace system as in the early days of Toryumon with CIMA/Magnum TOKYO/Mochizuki/Milano Collection AT, but for me 2013 established YAMATO as the best single candidate. Part of this is he didn't really get as long a look (read: exposed) as Yoshino, Doi, or even Takagi have gotten in the past, but mostly it's due to him coming the closest to capturing what made CIMA such an outlier. If CIMA is glam rock Bowie with a punk edge, heel YAMATO is the psychotic, thrill-killing glam rock band from Sion Sono's Suicide Circle. Clearly, YAMATO's charisma is not the same as CIMA's, but it's more a difference of kind, rather than degree.

And as for his 2013, well it was pretty great top to bottom. He kicked off the year with the Akatsuki/Windows MG feud having outstanding matches with both Keni'chiro Arai and Kness, before turning on Takagi and winning the title in the late Summer. It's actually a shame that YAMATO didn't get a longer title reign. I think they could have done a lot with the angle of his using liberal outside interference to win. Toryumon was notorious for having all manners of cheating in pretty much every match, eventually passing by ludicrous and straight to surreal, but since the Dragon Gate split, the Open the Dream Gate title has always been contested more or less on the up-and-up. The tension around having Mad Blankey interference secure defense after defense could have been a really hot storyline, especially given YAMATO's rather deluded heel character. I suppose Dragon Gate just isn't really built for a long reign by that kind of heel champ, but we did get a MOTY candidate in his defense against Ryo Saito in September. Add that to his usually strong tag work, the hot early year feud with Windows, and his awesome cooking segment on Prime Zone, it's an easy MVP year.

Ones to watch in 2014

T-Hawk/Mr. Quu Quu Tanizaki Naoki Toyonaka Dolphin

The stars of my Match of the Year both scuffled through the rest of 2013. Mr. Pii Pii lost a lot of the momentum he had built up since the beginning of 2012 with his Mexico excursion during the middle of the year. And since coming back as T-Hawk, the leader of the Millennials, he has struggled to regain his form. The ‘strong lucha’ style of the stable doesn’t help matters, as T-Hawk is more suited to be a bulked-up junior heavyweight type. Still, the company seems fairly invested in the stable, at least for now, and he acquitted himself well in his first Dream Gate shot against Masato Yoshino in November. He's also still only 23, and 2014 will hopefully be another step forward for a wrestler I have pegged as a potential future ace.

Naoki Tanizaki (we’ll continue with this for brevity’s sake) is in a similar boat. He’s much more experienced than T-Hawk, having debuted with the Toryumon X class over a decade ago, but he’s had a spotty career marked by sabbaticals and injury absences. His feud over the Naoki Tanizaki name with T-Hawk was a high point of 2012, and he became a fan favorite under the “Mr. Quu Quu” moniker. Unfortunately, like the rest of the Jimmys stable, he stagnated in 2013. Tanizaki lost his Open the Brave Gate (Dragon Gate's second tier singles title) challenge against Dragon Kid shortly before reclaiming his name, and his team/feud with Jimmy Kagetora that took up the balance of the year never really came to much. He’s never going to be a top-of-the-card force, but I’m hoping for a return to form and some more interesting storylines for Mr. Quu Quu in 2014.

Akira Tozawa

Is this the year Tozawa finally wins the Dream Gate? It’s always difficult to predict what Dragon Gate will do with their top title. I didn’t see the fifteen defense reign for CIMA coming, or the relative chaos around the belt in its wake. Going back even further, they made a real hash out of the title reigns of Ryo Saito and Susumu Yokosuka, who they were ostensibly trying to elevate to the top of the card when the Dragon Gate split first occurred. Tozawa had historically been more popular on this side of the Pacific, due to his long American excursion and regular appearances on DGUSA cards, but he has been a bona fide main event player since his Dream Gate shot at the 2012 Kobe World Hall show. Unfortunately, being a bona fide main event player in Dragon Gate is not necessarily the same thing as actually being in the top storylines, and Tozawa spent a lot of the past 18 months stuck in an endless loop of semi-mains with Shingo Takagi, YAMATO, and BxB Hulk, even after they all turned on each other. It’s easy to forget that there was some genuine doubt as to the outcome of Tozawa’s title shot in Kobe, as he was an afterthought for much of the next year. A babyface turn and the formation of the Monster Express stable has rejuvenated Tozawa some, and only Yamato can really match his combination of in-ring charisma and technique among the current generation of Dragon Gate stars. He may have to wait until his stablemate Yoshino drops the title (or not, never stopped DG before), but 2014 might finally be the year that Tozawa puts a final stamp on his ascent to company ace. Until then, expect him to continue to be the best thing on every DGUSA show.

Jimmys

I alluded to this when writing about Mr. Quu Quu, but the Jimmys are in a bit of a rut. Their white-hot feud with Team Veteran was my personal favorite angle of 2012, but they were kind of aimless in 2013, and all their goofy underdog charisma has started to go from charming to grating. The problem is there isn’t an easy solution here. Two years is a very long run for a stable by Dragon Gate standards, especially considering the current membership hasn’t changed a lick since July 2012. Their only real logical feud is with Team Veteran, and they lack that guy at the top that could break off and form his own group. So if you do see a Jimmys break-up in 2014 (and I think you do, although they still seem pretty popular and move a lot of merch), you are stuck distributing them among the remaining stables. A few could migrate to Team Veteran, I suppose one or two could turn (maybe Kagetora and Quu Quu, though they aren’t great heels) and join Mad Blankey. A better option might be a more system-wide shakeup of the current alignments, maybe a return to two large groups feuding up and down the card, a la the very successful Junction Three/Blood Warriors feud in 2011. But whatever happens with Dragon Gate’s alignments in 2014, it’s likely that the Jimmys will be at the center of it.

And finally, an introduction

Hi there all, my name is Jeffrey Paternostro and I will be covering Dragon Gate and Dragon Gate USA for The Wrestling Blog. I’ve been watching Toryumon/Dragon Gate since 2000, or, if you prefer, back when you still had to buy fifth-generation VHS copies in those plain blue sleeves. If you have any other Dragon-System-related topics you’d like me to cover, feel free to contact me on twitter via @jeffpaternostro. You can follow me too of course, but I should warn you that it’s mostly baseball prospect and English Championship football blathering over in those parts. But for now my goal is to preview and review any live Korakuen shows or PPVs that are available in the United States, and of course keep you abreast of the goings-on in Dragon Gate USA. As we move forward I will move further back into the history of Dragon Gate and Toryumon with more feature-type stuff as well.

Put her in the Rumble. DO IT. Photo Credit: WWE.com

The Royal Rumble is the greatest gimmick match of all-time. Many factors come together in confluence to make this opinion close to fact in my personal opinion. The chaotic nature, the bunches and elimination runs, the built-in potential for comic relief, the fresh matchups, and the propensity for epic finishes are all great contributing factors, but the factor that usually provides the best short term titillation is the surprise entrant. Names are swirling as to who might be unexpectedly entering themselves into the Rumble this year. Technically, Daniel Bryan would be a "surprise" entrant since he's not officially expected to be in the match itself (he's booked against Bray Wyatt in singles action). I have another surprise entrant I'd love to see be in, but I'm saving that one for a special piece on Wrestling On Earth that'll run Thursday. Other than those two, the following are six guys I would love to see make cameos in the Rumble match.

1. AJ Lee

Sawyer Paul (get the K out!) has said that he expects Lee to be the first female WWE Champion. Traditional metrics work against her. Size is valued by WWE, Bryan's push right now be damned, and that rumored maxim especially seems to hold true for females. The women they've teased as legitimate threats to the men have all had considerable body mass working for them - Beth Phoenix, Kharma, Nicole Bass, and of course Chyna, who won the Intercontinental Championship on more than one occasion. But Lee has something none of them have, the ability to hold a crowd in the palm of her hand. She's by far the most charismatic female performer they've ever had, and she has the bona fides in the ring to back it up. What better way to tease her going up against the dudes with dicks than by putting her in the Rumble match and letting her work in an environment where everything and anything is possible.

2. Lanny Poffo

If he gives the blessing for Randy Savage to get into the Hall of Fame, Poffo recurring his most famous WWE role as The Genius would be great comic relief. As he proved on his episode of the Art of Wrestling, he can still ad lib poems, which would make for an incredible entrance. As Godfather proved last year, sometimes, all a memorable Rumble appearance needs to be comprised of is an entrance. I would give bonus points if they had Damien Sandow be the one tossing him. Transference of one intelligence-based gimmick to another (unless Poffo's appearance comes in, say, 2015, and Aiden English is already on the main roster by then...).

3. Evan Bourne

Sheamus is a lock to come back at the Rumble, right? I'm psyched to see the Celtic Warrior come back and start having great matches on free TV again, especially with some guys who've emerged since he's been on the shelf. However, this entry isn't about Sheamus. Bourne has been out of action for almost two years. When he's on, he's the most effective babyface WWE has in the ring. A Rumble comeback for him would be ideal because he would bump huge when he was eliminated, could provide a spectacular, highspot elimination himself, or he could take the John Morrison/Kofi Kingston role of being the dude who saves himself from getting tossed through parkour or some shit like that.

4. Sami Zayn

Last year, WWE tried to kick start Bo Dallas by putting him against Wade Barrett in the Rumble match. Given that Dallas' true calling was less as heroic underdog and more as troll god of Florida and that Barrett was about as hot as intergalactic space, the idea flopped. Now, what if that same push from NXT were done with someone who has shown the ability to orchestrate crowd reactions at every level he's performed? Zayn is magnetic, and if the same story were attempted with him that they did with Dallas last year, he could head into WrestleMania with a match that would get mad heat.

5. Shane McMahon

I'm not advocating for McMahon to come back to the fold full-time. I don't want him to be entrenched in the current Authority story, or lead to another rehash of WrestleMania 2000. I just wanna see him do the Simba dance one last time. McMahon wasn't necessarily a good wrestler when he was active, but he was entertaining to watch just for the insane shit he would do to his own body. Hoping that middle age and fatherhood hasn't dulled his thirst for adventure, he might be good for an impressive looking bump.

6. Harvey Wippleman

C'mon, who wouldn't wanna see Downtown Bruno get tossed over the ropes in hilarious fashion one more time?