The shooting star press was the first highspot that I dropped my jaw at, but the 450 splash nearly dislocated my bottom jaw from the rest of my skull when I first gazed upon it. The move is still visually impressive to this day, so instead of seeing it once, I found a video showing ten people doing it. Enjoy!
↧
The Best Moves Ever: 450 Splash
↧
Your Midweek Links: Snow Day!
 |
| Lots of Bryan this week and more Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Wrestling Links:
- The Wrestling Podcast, Episode 125: Tom Keiser [Bisery Miz-ness]
- These letters written by Ultimate Warrior and Vince McMahon are very revealing [TJR Wrestling]
- Words with the Dragon: A conversation with Daniel Bryan [The Classical]
- Daniel Bryan is winning the 2014 Royal Rumble [International Object]
- Here's what the last ten Rumble winners were doing on the go-home RAW [PizzaBodySlam]
- Presenting the Royal Rumble Pool, the best way to lose money while watching wrestling [SB Nation]
- Mean Gene Okerlund interviews Richard Sherman [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
- Episode 15: Gavin Loudspeaker, in the ring, with the candlestick [The Mandible Claw]
- The definitive Saturday Night Slam Masters power rankings [The Face-in-Peril]
- RAW: The more things change, the more things stay the same [WRESTLEGASM]
- The Best and Worst of RAW: Animal Style [With Leather]
- Thoughts on The Squared Circle: Life, Death, and Professional Wrestling [The Only Way Is Suplex]
- Celebrity Super Bowl Pickkake: Ric Flair [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
- Mae Young: 1923-2014 [Ringbelles]
- The Best and Worst of Impact: Selling England's Own Magnus by the Pound [With Leather]
Non-Wrestling Links:
- Watch the official Batkid video [UPROXX]
- Why can men be such jerks to women online? [Playboy SFW]
- Jon Stewart painfully embraces the feminization of America [Jezebel]
- How ESPN and Grantland failed the trans community [Outsports]
- Richard Sherman explains the Michael Crabtree incident and postgame interview [The MMQB]
- The tone of Richard Sherman's defense has been odd [Sports on Earth]
- 2013's most popular play: The jet sweep/inside zone [Football Study Hall]
- Foodball: Easy pot roast 'n gravy sandwiches [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
- How to cook chicken cutlets and give yourself a reason to keep living [Foodspin]
- And the Valley Drinks: NOLA Brewing Irish Channel Stout [And the Valley Shook]
- Six shocking studies that prove why science is broken [Cracked]
- No, paying college athletes won't bankrupt sports [Deadspin]
- 100 famous movie quotes in chart form [io9]
- If posters for this year's Oscar-nominated movies were honest [UPROXX]
- Disappearing acts: The 14 sad finales of NBA superstars [The Smoking Section]
- If enemies from The Legend of Zelda were real [Kotaku]
- Video game behaviors that would be creepy in real life [Polygon]
- Let's all go to a British "wank camp," shall we? [Gawker]
- Artist brilliantly reimagines Game of Thrones as Japanese art [io9]
*-For those in Southern climates, it's hump day, so here are some links to get you through the rest of the week.
↧
↧
Royal Rumble by (Entry) Numbers: 27
 |
| Yokozuna took his lumps in the '93 Rumble, but that didn't stop him from being the best ever from the No. 27 slot Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Final four: Faarooq (3rd, 1998)
Multiple draws: Glenn Jacobs (Isaac Yankem, 1996; Kane, 2005)
Longest: Bret Hart (1994), 15:08
Shortest: Bushwhacker Luke (1991): 0:04.
Most eliminations: Seven — Yokozuna (1993)
A great deal of this retrospective has been about digging up arcane data or twisting the conventional analysis to reveal new details about the Royal Rumble’s storied history. It’s not so easy to do that with the No. 27 spot, as one of the most widely-known Rumble facts is the 27th entry has won the Rumble a record four times. Steve Austin won form No. 27 in 2001 — his record third Rumble victory and the fourth win for No. 27 in just 13 Rumbles.
That means it’s been 12 years since a No. 27 claimed to prize. So what’s odder — that it happened four times in 13 years or that it hasn’t happened since? Since Austin’s win, no No. 27 has even made it to the final four (only one wrestler — Faarooq in 1998 — has made the final four from No. 27 without going on to win). The best finisher since Austin was Kofi Kingston in 2010, who lasted 2:51 and made two eliminations en route to finishing in sixth place.
So clearly the honor of best No. 27 goes to someone from the first 13 years. And with four winners, it has to be a difficult choice deciding the cream of the crop, right? Wrong.
The discussion for best No. 27 begins and ends with Yokozuna. In the first of his two Rumbles, the supposed sumo superstar went 14:53, made a whopping seven eliminations and became the first Rumble contestant to officially earn a WWF Title match at WrestleMania. Only two men made more eliminations in a win (Austin and Shawn Michaels, who did it twice) and even factoring non-winners, making seven or more eliminations in any Rumble is remarkable.
Big John Studd was the first No. 27 and also the first to win from that post. Being left alone in the ring with Akeem and Ted DiBiase was a tall order, but those two were his only eliminations in 12:21. Bret Hart lasted 15 seconds longer in 1994 than Yokozuna did in 1993, but Hart had only four eliminations — and he had to share his Rumble victory with Lex Luger. Austin put up just 9:43 in 2001. While being able to oust Kane, who’d lasted 53:46 and made a record 11 eliminations, was indeed impressive, it’s still not enough to wrest the top honors from Yokozuna.
The big man (and that’s an understatement) eliminated four men in a row — Tatanka, Carlos Colon, Earthquake and Tito Santana. He also eliminated Owen Hart en route to being alone in the ring with Bob Backlund, who entered second and somehow lasted more than 61 minutes, and another two-time WWF Champion, Randy Savage. Sure, the ending of the 1993 Rumble is one of the softest of all time (though it wasn’t the worst ending of a major WWF show in 1993, by a long shot), but that takes nothing away from Yokozuna’s dominance.
During a recent hunt for the first comedy spot in Rumble history, it was suggested Bushwhacker Luke’s four-second sting from No. 27 in 1991 is the prototype. Others have lasted less time or played for bigger laughs, but Luke’s bit — march down the aisle, march into the ring, get tossed — by Earthquake and keep marching to the back — certainly wasn’t a moment of serious competition.
A few days ago I got into detail about how I account for performers vs. characters. Part of that decision-making process is making sure to give Glenn Jacobs, he of the Kane persona, credit for the elimination he registered in 1996 while performing as Isaac Yankem, D.D.S. But he didn’t do much else that year. He didn’t do much as Kane in 2005, either, picking up just one elimination in only 3:54.
In fact, most of the non-winners have been downright limp. Of 25 entrants, 14 recorded zero eliminations. Thirteen men failed to last five minutes, and that’s without including Finlay in 2008, who was disqualified — the only DQ in Rumble history. Carlito’s 3:19 in 2007 is a far cry from his 38:29 in 2006 (23rd on the list of biggest gap between best and worst). Checking in at seventh on that list is Dolph Ziggler, whose 21 seconds in 2009 is miniscule in light of the 49:47 he posted in 2013.
Heck, clocking in at eighth on that list is Austin in 2001, a 46:55 deficit compared to his 56:38 run in 1999. Obviously entering at 27 the match was nearly over before Austin hit the ring. Could he have gone close to an hour if needed? Obviously we’ll never know. Either way, he didn’t eliminate seven people like Yokozuna.
So that’s the task for 2014’s No. 27. Win and help restore the legacy of the most charmed entry spot. Do so while eliminating eight or more men and wrest away the crown from Yokozuna. Smart money says that won’t happen. Yokozuna’s first Rumble appearances is the stuff of New Generation legends. It would be a huge shock to see his run equaled or surpassed — but anything is possible.
Year | Wrestler | Duration | Out | El. | Eliminated by |
1989 | Big John Studd | 0:12:21 | - | 2 | (Winner) |
1990 | Barbarian | 0:05:47 | 26 | 1 | Hercules |
1991 | Luke | 0:00:04 | 16 | 0 | Earthquake |
1992 | Skinner | 0:02:13 | 21 | 0 | Martel |
1993 | Yokozuna | 0:14:53 | - | 7 | (Winner) |
1994 | Bret Hart | 0:15:08 | - | 4 | (Co-winner) |
1995 | Dick Murdoch | 0:05:08 | 25 | 2 | H. Godwinn |
1996 | Glenn Jacobs (Isaac Yankem) | 0:07:05 | 25 | 1 | Michaels |
1997 | Flash Funk | 0:06:12 | 21 | 0 | Vader |
1998 | Faarooq | 0:12:05 | 27 | 3 | Rock |
1999 | Jeff Jarrett | 0:03:39 | 21 | 0 | Triple H |
2000 | JBL (Bradshaw) | 0:00:25 | 19 | 0 | James, Gunn |
2001 | Steve Austin | 0:09:43 | - | 3 | (Winner) |
2002 | Big Show | 0:02:45 | 23 | 0 | Kane |
2003 | Goldust | 0:00:47 | 15 | 0 | Haas, Banjamin |
2004 | Billy Gunn | 0:05:37 | 21 | 0 | Goldberg |
2005 | Glenn Jacobs (Kane) | 0:03:54 | 22 | 1 | Cena |
2006 | Nelson Frazier (Viscera) | 0:05:20 | 18 | 1 | Carlito, Masters |
2007 | Carlito | 0:03:19 | 23 | 0 | Khali |
2008 | Finlay | - | 15 | 0 | (Disqualified) |
2009 | Dolph Ziggler | 0:00:21 | 14 | 0 | Kane |
2010 | Kofi Kingston | 0:02:51 | 25 | 2 | Cena |
2011 | Jack Swagger | 0:04:41 | 25 | 0 | Mysterio |
2012 | David Otunga | 0:03:15 | 22 | 0 | Jericho |
2013 | Jinder Mahal | 0:02:10 | 19 | 0 | Sheamus |
↧
There Was Only One King, And WWE Proves It Every Year
 |
| photo credit: Biography.com |
It was the third Monday in January, so you knew how RAW was going to start. It's the same thing every year, as dependable as the sun setting in the west. You can almost hear somebody in the truck counting down from five before saying "Roll the King package".
This year there was 126 seconds full of promise and hope for the future, featuring the seemingly mandatory shot of an interracial handshake and filled with so many shots of notable African-Americans you could be forgiven for thinking February had started 12 days early. It started with The Speech, as it always does, and it ended with a simple four word edict of Keep The Dream Alive. You saw a lot of that, as you do every Martin Luther King Jr. Day; in a nation and a world which can turn history's winding roads into Twitter statuses just to keep them in the recesses of the mind what MLK Junior is probably best known for is the I Have A Dream speech that just turned 50 last summer.
And, of course, the WWE could've done light years worse than a tasteful video package to open their program. Yesterday, whether it be in the worlds of fashion, industry, politics from the far right, or children who took the wrong teachable moment away from Tropic Thunder, there was plenty to shake your head and sigh ruefully or even want to throw a chair and beat somebody up about, especially if you're a person in my position. But in saner circles at the beginning of the week, it came down to something bumper-sticker worthy and usually with the word Dream featured prominently in it. About never forgetting it, about it living long, about Obama reflecting it, and so on and so on.
So why did something that was guaranteed to engineer a positive feeling from almost the entirety of the audience and almost specifically aimed into my wheelhouse make me feel like turning into a Molotov-throwing insurgent about to level a building? Then there was another quote that came to mind that put it all into focus.
"He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it."
There's a King quote that didn't fly around the web nearly enough on Monday, and it probably is why most of the ceremonial observances left me cold leading into RAW. Even leaving aside the problematic history of African-Americans in professional wrestling in general, WWE specifically seemed to be coming from a spot of well-meaning corporate culture that was going to do best for business exactly for two minutes one day a year and all the pesky actual racial problems fraught over the course of years, decades -- hell, centuries -- was to be set aside.
Why go down those pesky backroads and cul-de-sacs where King noted rightfully about how America as we know it was founded on genocide and added progressives to the list of people who hated him alongside the right in the last year of his life? Why do a full exhumation on the character of a man in which he stood alongside Planned Parenthood, denounced the Vietnam War, spent some of his last weeks on earth championing the economic and social bill of rights he'd worked on, or his criticisms of American capitalism and the racism inherit within? Nobody wants to hear about the Cold War between the Kennedys and J. Edgar Hoover leading directly to King getting wiretapped in the COINTELRPO wave because he was pallin' around with communists and getting charming notes from the proto-NSA politely suggesting he off himself lest certain tapes of his infidelities (which continued up until literally his dying day) get released to the public and shame him? Best for King to know his place.
And in modern society, best to pull that beige teddy bear's string that says "I have a dream today!" once a year and show you're not complete troglodytes and can't possibly be, that those dark days are in black and white for a reason and in a technicolor world such atrocities aren't still happening right here in America even while you read this very sentence. It was National Let's Pretend We Actually Care About Integration, Nonviolence and Racial Harmony Day, and pesky facts weren't going to get in the way of the narrative woven en masse, from WWE and everywhere else.
Because to pretend to have a big three in professional wrestling and review their CVs next to Stamford's is to say they're all failing, but at least WWE's putting a bit of effort into the enterprise and doesn't eat as much paste as the other dunces do. Please, take a look over towards the Northeast, where ROH has positioned misogynists like Austin Aries and Confederate-flag wearing homophobes like Jay Briscoe with the crown jewel of their World Championship while Jay Lethal's been their Tommy Dreamer aside from a run with their inferior TV title. And once you gaze downwards in the direction of TNA?
Well, it's entirely possible I'm the best African-American wrestler on their roster, which should be the crowning achievement of my life and is only lessened by the pesky detail that I'm not technically a wrestler. Then again: who would've thought that a professional wrestling enterprise based out of the South could find themselves financial problems or not with an entirely whitewashed roster that's put a logo with a bastardized stars and bars with Dixieland on it out front and center of its programming for almost the past five months? Next thing you'll tell me Martin Luther the King once worried to a confidante that he was worried he was trying to integrate into a burning house known as America.
Right, right: a lot of people might've suspected that, but you knew some didn't and wave off that last question as part of being an anti-South or TNA-hating bias. After all, as several white fellows have already tried to mansplain to me over the course of a year that's barely three weeks old about the plight of African-Americans in this country whether it be politics, music, television or sports entertainment that it's 2014, not the 1980s, and not the 1960s, but right now, and hasn't there been a lot of progress made? Look at the President! Kevin Hart's in every other movie! If I ever get to sleep with Kerry Washington, my wife has to give me a pass! And I've got black friends, for crying out loud! C'mon! How long do we have to keep coming back to this?
Good question. Maybe if this country wasn't literally built on racism and subjugation and it was easier for a black person with no record to get a job than a white ex-convict, or to do things like go to the store for a quick snack without getting plugged in the back by a lunatic who'll end up dodging arrest for the better part of two months before not getting convicted or a Stanford graduate would be able to give a psyched up post-game interview seconds after the biggest win of his life against his most hated rivals both individually and as a unit without a spade of pearl clutching from dilettantes afraid that scary-looking man had scared the beautiful white woman, maybe there'd be a different answer than forever.
This is what is most galling about everyone bandying about the Speech and the word dream: on even an unconscious level, it keeps plenty subjugated. Dreams are ephemera of the unconscious. They don't deal with reality and the act of being awake from day to day, of having to live in a place that never intended for you to be able to read or write let alone miscegenate or vote. Hold positions of power?! Effect pop culture and in a lot of ways set the benchmarks down to be ripped off for greater white profits later? In the name of Pat Boone, what sort of delusional psychotropic have you gotten in your system?
Have you ever seen someone who's a borderline land monster turn heel and then disappear? Because Brodus Clay is teaching that class right now, and he's going to be salutatorian at least at the rate he's going. And what was he doing before that? Why, he was singing and dancing and entertaining the mostly white kids who's parents can afford the freight of a WWE ticket. Just like R-Truth. Just like Xavier Woods, so completely different and distinguishable from each other that the latter's introduction to the big stage has him paired up as the same devil-may-care dancing buddy of the former, ending up as three men fighting over two booty-shaking black women and the same theme music which was recycled from another former African-American on the roster to boot. But now all that is over (?), and now the former Truth and Consequences get people happy, standing up and dancing, as opposed to the Prime Time Players, who dance and entertain the mostly white kids before getting them to bark intermittently. Completely different.
And this leaves aside the glory run of Kofi Kingston's career, especially the resurgence he's had over the past fortnight. You know, the Rockian glory of having Randy Orton beat you like you owed him money, only to get a fluke win out of nowhere that was immediately subsumed by Orton jumping Cena's father and not even punting him this time. Even so, when the rematch comes on MLK Day, the act of you wrestling the first Unified Champion in the main event is a distant flashpoint compared to the epicenter of John Cena showing up almost three hours late for work to a job that ostensibly has only three hours to it to avenge his fallen but not kicked viciously in the skull papa, and your job is to--kind of, sort of wrestle and then vaguely get in the way. Because John Cena has to get his revenge, and your job is to be the faux Jamaican and kinda sort of be a background speck to entertain the children and literally get them to clap their hands as the warm-up act for the main event happenings. Just as you did to such acclaim in 2013. And 2012. And let's not forget 2011, or your stellar work in this field in 2010, to say nothing of--well, the point's made, yes?
What's most infuriating is that, in very small doses, WWE has actual beneficial reservoirs to draw water from for what should be the ideal avatar in a post-King 21st century; to not be "the black wrestler" but rather the "wrestler who happens to be black". When healthy on either side of the alignment, Mark Henry's been a paragon of not being defined by the color of his skin but the volume of wigs split and bills for air collected upon. But even his greatness is a slight outlier, since the former ECW and World Champion is the World's Strongest Man and someone who can pull two tractor trailers for a record on a Friday night and get a crowd that should've been anti-anything he did at the time to cheer vociferously without the benefit of aural dubbing.
Most encouragingly in the recent past, the Intercontinental Champion Big E. Langston's not only gotten to look like a man making the belt more by every passing week rather than the other way around, and he's also gotten to rub shoulders in big-time matches with the Rhodeses, CM Punks, and Shields of the roster. To be put in the mix with this level of superstar either in singles forays, regular tag matches or trios affairs means that in part he's depended upon to turn in a seemingly never-ending wave of above-average matches that can easily put into a main event or sub-main should it be necessary. As Langston catches on, his ceiling is seemingly limitless. Now being allowed more time at commentary when he's not wrestling and showcased more has given him a foundation to build his obvious intelligence, sly humor out of the ring and powerhouse game in it upon. Unsurprisingly, the fans of both varietals have welcomed the formerly silent muscle to the side of the white hats with open arms (even if the more knowledgeable amongst us would like his winning counts to be nearly twice as long). But his outlierism just highlights the overall problems of the roster.
Who else isn't "the black guy who dances or pretends to be from the islands" for Stamford at this moment? And who doubts that given how far O'Neill and Young have come in the ring, especially with Young still riding the wave of support he received upon revealing his homosexuality last year, or someone like Woods with his academic pedigree, that given that Langston "this kid might be the future" push that they couldn't account well for themselves? Tragically, all WWE does at its best and worst is hold up a fun house mirror to the society from which it came, and it's the same here. For every superachiever like Langston who gets into rarefied air there's four guys fighting for the same job that're all capable, and the deciders will play them off of each other since in their eyes they're all roughly analogues of each other anyhow.
Most galling of all is that this is a multi-million dollar pinnacle as the worldwide leader of the industry that's supposed to be setting the standard that every one else should aspire to, and at the end of the day they seem more than perfectly willing to emulate most of society when once a year every year they hold up signs and reflect quotes and point to the same thing over and over: a bunch of people saying "dream, dream, dream" when the other 364 days a year they'd rather defer, defer, defer; video packages instead of actual concrete actions subject to blowback, and the reason the phrase Sambo Voltron got invented rather than getting the sheer glee of watching dudes get flat-out trucked by wondrous physical specimens.
Then again, Rise Above Hate and Be A Star are slogans for corporate sheen and to sell t-shirts. And being passive towards evil and perpetrating it is easy and profitable, as well.
Not accepting it and protesting it?
Hell, that's the kind of thing that gets a man shot.
This year there was 126 seconds full of promise and hope for the future, featuring the seemingly mandatory shot of an interracial handshake and filled with so many shots of notable African-Americans you could be forgiven for thinking February had started 12 days early. It started with The Speech, as it always does, and it ended with a simple four word edict of Keep The Dream Alive. You saw a lot of that, as you do every Martin Luther King Jr. Day; in a nation and a world which can turn history's winding roads into Twitter statuses just to keep them in the recesses of the mind what MLK Junior is probably best known for is the I Have A Dream speech that just turned 50 last summer.
And, of course, the WWE could've done light years worse than a tasteful video package to open their program. Yesterday, whether it be in the worlds of fashion, industry, politics from the far right, or children who took the wrong teachable moment away from Tropic Thunder, there was plenty to shake your head and sigh ruefully or even want to throw a chair and beat somebody up about, especially if you're a person in my position. But in saner circles at the beginning of the week, it came down to something bumper-sticker worthy and usually with the word Dream featured prominently in it. About never forgetting it, about it living long, about Obama reflecting it, and so on and so on.
So why did something that was guaranteed to engineer a positive feeling from almost the entirety of the audience and almost specifically aimed into my wheelhouse make me feel like turning into a Molotov-throwing insurgent about to level a building? Then there was another quote that came to mind that put it all into focus.
"He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it."
There's a King quote that didn't fly around the web nearly enough on Monday, and it probably is why most of the ceremonial observances left me cold leading into RAW. Even leaving aside the problematic history of African-Americans in professional wrestling in general, WWE specifically seemed to be coming from a spot of well-meaning corporate culture that was going to do best for business exactly for two minutes one day a year and all the pesky actual racial problems fraught over the course of years, decades -- hell, centuries -- was to be set aside.
Why go down those pesky backroads and cul-de-sacs where King noted rightfully about how America as we know it was founded on genocide and added progressives to the list of people who hated him alongside the right in the last year of his life? Why do a full exhumation on the character of a man in which he stood alongside Planned Parenthood, denounced the Vietnam War, spent some of his last weeks on earth championing the economic and social bill of rights he'd worked on, or his criticisms of American capitalism and the racism inherit within? Nobody wants to hear about the Cold War between the Kennedys and J. Edgar Hoover leading directly to King getting wiretapped in the COINTELRPO wave because he was pallin' around with communists and getting charming notes from the proto-NSA politely suggesting he off himself lest certain tapes of his infidelities (which continued up until literally his dying day) get released to the public and shame him? Best for King to know his place.
And in modern society, best to pull that beige teddy bear's string that says "I have a dream today!" once a year and show you're not complete troglodytes and can't possibly be, that those dark days are in black and white for a reason and in a technicolor world such atrocities aren't still happening right here in America even while you read this very sentence. It was National Let's Pretend We Actually Care About Integration, Nonviolence and Racial Harmony Day, and pesky facts weren't going to get in the way of the narrative woven en masse, from WWE and everywhere else.
Because to pretend to have a big three in professional wrestling and review their CVs next to Stamford's is to say they're all failing, but at least WWE's putting a bit of effort into the enterprise and doesn't eat as much paste as the other dunces do. Please, take a look over towards the Northeast, where ROH has positioned misogynists like Austin Aries and Confederate-flag wearing homophobes like Jay Briscoe with the crown jewel of their World Championship while Jay Lethal's been their Tommy Dreamer aside from a run with their inferior TV title. And once you gaze downwards in the direction of TNA?
Well, it's entirely possible I'm the best African-American wrestler on their roster, which should be the crowning achievement of my life and is only lessened by the pesky detail that I'm not technically a wrestler. Then again: who would've thought that a professional wrestling enterprise based out of the South could find themselves financial problems or not with an entirely whitewashed roster that's put a logo with a bastardized stars and bars with Dixieland on it out front and center of its programming for almost the past five months? Next thing you'll tell me Martin Luther the King once worried to a confidante that he was worried he was trying to integrate into a burning house known as America.
Right, right: a lot of people might've suspected that, but you knew some didn't and wave off that last question as part of being an anti-South or TNA-hating bias. After all, as several white fellows have already tried to mansplain to me over the course of a year that's barely three weeks old about the plight of African-Americans in this country whether it be politics, music, television or sports entertainment that it's 2014, not the 1980s, and not the 1960s, but right now, and hasn't there been a lot of progress made? Look at the President! Kevin Hart's in every other movie! If I ever get to sleep with Kerry Washington, my wife has to give me a pass! And I've got black friends, for crying out loud! C'mon! How long do we have to keep coming back to this?
Good question. Maybe if this country wasn't literally built on racism and subjugation and it was easier for a black person with no record to get a job than a white ex-convict, or to do things like go to the store for a quick snack without getting plugged in the back by a lunatic who'll end up dodging arrest for the better part of two months before not getting convicted or a Stanford graduate would be able to give a psyched up post-game interview seconds after the biggest win of his life against his most hated rivals both individually and as a unit without a spade of pearl clutching from dilettantes afraid that scary-looking man had scared the beautiful white woman, maybe there'd be a different answer than forever.
This is what is most galling about everyone bandying about the Speech and the word dream: on even an unconscious level, it keeps plenty subjugated. Dreams are ephemera of the unconscious. They don't deal with reality and the act of being awake from day to day, of having to live in a place that never intended for you to be able to read or write let alone miscegenate or vote. Hold positions of power?! Effect pop culture and in a lot of ways set the benchmarks down to be ripped off for greater white profits later? In the name of Pat Boone, what sort of delusional psychotropic have you gotten in your system?
Have you ever seen someone who's a borderline land monster turn heel and then disappear? Because Brodus Clay is teaching that class right now, and he's going to be salutatorian at least at the rate he's going. And what was he doing before that? Why, he was singing and dancing and entertaining the mostly white kids who's parents can afford the freight of a WWE ticket. Just like R-Truth. Just like Xavier Woods, so completely different and distinguishable from each other that the latter's introduction to the big stage has him paired up as the same devil-may-care dancing buddy of the former, ending up as three men fighting over two booty-shaking black women and the same theme music which was recycled from another former African-American on the roster to boot. But now all that is over (?), and now the former Truth and Consequences get people happy, standing up and dancing, as opposed to the Prime Time Players, who dance and entertain the mostly white kids before getting them to bark intermittently. Completely different.
And this leaves aside the glory run of Kofi Kingston's career, especially the resurgence he's had over the past fortnight. You know, the Rockian glory of having Randy Orton beat you like you owed him money, only to get a fluke win out of nowhere that was immediately subsumed by Orton jumping Cena's father and not even punting him this time. Even so, when the rematch comes on MLK Day, the act of you wrestling the first Unified Champion in the main event is a distant flashpoint compared to the epicenter of John Cena showing up almost three hours late for work to a job that ostensibly has only three hours to it to avenge his fallen but not kicked viciously in the skull papa, and your job is to--kind of, sort of wrestle and then vaguely get in the way. Because John Cena has to get his revenge, and your job is to be the faux Jamaican and kinda sort of be a background speck to entertain the children and literally get them to clap their hands as the warm-up act for the main event happenings. Just as you did to such acclaim in 2013. And 2012. And let's not forget 2011, or your stellar work in this field in 2010, to say nothing of--well, the point's made, yes?
What's most infuriating is that, in very small doses, WWE has actual beneficial reservoirs to draw water from for what should be the ideal avatar in a post-King 21st century; to not be "the black wrestler" but rather the "wrestler who happens to be black". When healthy on either side of the alignment, Mark Henry's been a paragon of not being defined by the color of his skin but the volume of wigs split and bills for air collected upon. But even his greatness is a slight outlier, since the former ECW and World Champion is the World's Strongest Man and someone who can pull two tractor trailers for a record on a Friday night and get a crowd that should've been anti-anything he did at the time to cheer vociferously without the benefit of aural dubbing.
Most encouragingly in the recent past, the Intercontinental Champion Big E. Langston's not only gotten to look like a man making the belt more by every passing week rather than the other way around, and he's also gotten to rub shoulders in big-time matches with the Rhodeses, CM Punks, and Shields of the roster. To be put in the mix with this level of superstar either in singles forays, regular tag matches or trios affairs means that in part he's depended upon to turn in a seemingly never-ending wave of above-average matches that can easily put into a main event or sub-main should it be necessary. As Langston catches on, his ceiling is seemingly limitless. Now being allowed more time at commentary when he's not wrestling and showcased more has given him a foundation to build his obvious intelligence, sly humor out of the ring and powerhouse game in it upon. Unsurprisingly, the fans of both varietals have welcomed the formerly silent muscle to the side of the white hats with open arms (even if the more knowledgeable amongst us would like his winning counts to be nearly twice as long). But his outlierism just highlights the overall problems of the roster.
Who else isn't "the black guy who dances or pretends to be from the islands" for Stamford at this moment? And who doubts that given how far O'Neill and Young have come in the ring, especially with Young still riding the wave of support he received upon revealing his homosexuality last year, or someone like Woods with his academic pedigree, that given that Langston "this kid might be the future" push that they couldn't account well for themselves? Tragically, all WWE does at its best and worst is hold up a fun house mirror to the society from which it came, and it's the same here. For every superachiever like Langston who gets into rarefied air there's four guys fighting for the same job that're all capable, and the deciders will play them off of each other since in their eyes they're all roughly analogues of each other anyhow.
Most galling of all is that this is a multi-million dollar pinnacle as the worldwide leader of the industry that's supposed to be setting the standard that every one else should aspire to, and at the end of the day they seem more than perfectly willing to emulate most of society when once a year every year they hold up signs and reflect quotes and point to the same thing over and over: a bunch of people saying "dream, dream, dream" when the other 364 days a year they'd rather defer, defer, defer; video packages instead of actual concrete actions subject to blowback, and the reason the phrase Sambo Voltron got invented rather than getting the sheer glee of watching dudes get flat-out trucked by wondrous physical specimens.
Then again, Rise Above Hate and Be A Star are slogans for corporate sheen and to sell t-shirts. And being passive towards evil and perpetrating it is easy and profitable, as well.
Not accepting it and protesting it?
Hell, that's the kind of thing that gets a man shot.
↧
The Wrestling Podcast, Episode 126: Patrick Vint
 |
| RUUUUUMMMMMMMBLE TIIIIIIIIME Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Patrick Vint of Black Heart, Gold Pants returns to the show this week. After a brief sojourn into Iowa athletics, we get into the meat of the conversation, the ROYAL RUMBLE. Pat is dismayed at the prospect of Batista coming back and winning, but I bring up the fact that WWE might be telegraphing his win a bit too hard. We discuss a bit about super-surprise wins as well before getting into Daniel Bryan, who is still not officially announced for the Rumble match itself. We chat a bit about his viability as a draw, his respite from the title picture, and how he's the most universally beloved good guy WWE has had since Steve Austin. After picking winners and going through dark horse candidates, we get into the prop bets. Discussion over the "Diesel push," iron man, surprise entrants, and wacky elimination avoidance is had, interspersed with diversions into what the best Rumble ever was and whether WWE will or should unify the secondary titles. We finish up with some Twitter questions.
Direct link for your downloading pleasure.
↧
↧
Best Coast Bias: ¡LUCHA LIBRE! (clap clap clapclapclap)
 |
| ¡SI! ¡SI! ¡SI! ¡SI! ¡SI! Photo credit: WWE.com |
For a long portion of Main Event, it seemed to be following the usual template of a lower-level show leading into a monthly event, to say nothing of the fact that the one looming was the Royal Rumble: buy the PPV or the kitten gets it.
This isn't to say that Sandow/Truth or Foxsana/Bellas were bad matches. They weren't by any stretch. They just didn't have something compelling between the ropes to rise the eyebrow and stop the endless fast forward to be like "Wait, I want to check that out."
And then Sin Cara mach 2 came out before Alberto del Rio to put a bow on the crown jewel of Ion TV, and the luchadores kicked out the jams.
And let me drop the veneer of objectivity right here: I've been a fan of lucha libre almost my entire life, nearly three decades. That's another in the myriad of benefits you get when you live fewer than 10 exits away from the border, you can find lucha libre several times on the weekends and Dr. Wagner Jr. and Satanico were just as much a part of my growing up as John Facenda voicing over NFL Films stock or Montana finding Rice and burning some poor defensive back for six. Memories of a very young Chris Jericho getting heckled with "¡Corazon del Pollo!", La Parka dancing to "Thriller," annoying little guys in blue furry suits getting Tombstoned by Vampiro and grandmothers swinging at rudos with their purses when they got too close, like 70 degree weather, sunny skies, and sipping drinks at summer rooftop club parties just kind of feel like home.
For two segments they bricked and mortared my heart, and of course they could've gone another two without a complaint from me. del Rio started off the match suffocating Sin, and at the end you're damn right he ordered the Code Red, but it was in the increasingly rocky road he found getting there that let this match shine. Should this be the last time they end up meeting for a while, it served both purposes that it needed to heading into this weekend: Sin Cara looked like a comic book superhero come to life who can hang with anybody in the ring whether or not he wins or loses, and del Rio's offense looked as nasty as his snarl. The alert should've gone up when Sin Cara busted out a tope in the opening minute and a half, and from then it was in play akin to a large ape throwing barrels at his enemies. It's the way del Rio's stuff lands with such a hard-hitting sound that the ring mics can pick it up, whether it's tilt-a-whirl backbreakers or vicious, vicious basement superkicks.
Given what we missed during the break even with a replay of Sin Cara almost going Full Rollins into and damn near up and over the barricade was an Owenzuigiri that was probably brutal as well, it almost felt like the former WWE and World Champion wanted to atone for his minor masterpiece being cut by landing a vicious rope-hung double stomp to Definitely Not Hunico that was so precise you could almost see the arena deflate. Pro graps may be fake and all, but somebody being ambulatory after that? The idea was so ludicrous even the five year olds watching couldn't cotton it, no matter how predisposed they've been to hate El Patron.
Hell, it was almost enough to make one forget the show opened with R-Truth and Xavier Woods dancing down to the ring together as if just writing the phrase Sambo Voltron in the last article that went up on TWB meant it was something to be enjoyed. LE. SIGH. In all honesty, the match wasn't as compelling early as it could've been; fortunately that was muzzled by the fact that Mr. OVER 9000 was adept on commentary as a man of his mental stature should be. There were a lot of bowling pins to keep in the air: in addition to the match with his hetero life mate taking place with the last Money in the Bank winner in front of him, he and Miz wove in several narrative threads in the Rumble that'll pay off to varying degrees. Can you really trust your partner, no matter how much you may get along right now, given what's at stake and almost always only one man can win it? (Seeing Sandow in the ring while this happened was just a bigger underscore of the possibility of one member of a tag team going for himself to get a title shot and getting a short-term Pyrrhic victory in the process.
Intentional or not, it added another little garnish of reality to the subject as it was being discussed.) Is No. 27 the same magic number to victory that it used to be? How do you game plan for the Rumble and how the *cough* random draw can totally subvert all of your plans? That would've been a line of questioning that would've borne more fruit the more it was examined, since having 29 contingency plans is a bit ridiculous. But after Truth won after a game of Tiny Toonsesque "not your finisher my finisher", Miz did drop a couple of tidbits he was loath to with the Angel Grovian at the table. Even with the memories of Awesome Truth called clearly by the former WWE Champion himself, this probably won't pay off for anything Sunday. It's just nice they didn't pass it over and treated it as if it was in play, since it is until they know better.
Speaking of that, in a backstage segger between the Bellas and Foxsana, it was alluded that OUR MAIN MAN D-BRY RIGHT THERE went so rogue in order to get Bray one-on-one not even his own fiancee knew what he was up to. Unfortunately for Aksana, she talked smack, and you know what that means. Surprisingly enough though, it ended up not being Brie but Nikki who came in and personified a domicile ablaze. It was like a two-minute tornado that's probably going to have back problems in the future, and any time one gets to sing Tyga when the finisher comes down it's going to be a good time. If only Alicia Fox had gotten more time...but then, that's almost always a valid complaint when it comes to these things.
It's like this iteration of Sin Cara/del Rio in a parallel universe that way.
This isn't to say that Sandow/Truth or Foxsana/Bellas were bad matches. They weren't by any stretch. They just didn't have something compelling between the ropes to rise the eyebrow and stop the endless fast forward to be like "Wait, I want to check that out."
And then Sin Cara mach 2 came out before Alberto del Rio to put a bow on the crown jewel of Ion TV, and the luchadores kicked out the jams.
And let me drop the veneer of objectivity right here: I've been a fan of lucha libre almost my entire life, nearly three decades. That's another in the myriad of benefits you get when you live fewer than 10 exits away from the border, you can find lucha libre several times on the weekends and Dr. Wagner Jr. and Satanico were just as much a part of my growing up as John Facenda voicing over NFL Films stock or Montana finding Rice and burning some poor defensive back for six. Memories of a very young Chris Jericho getting heckled with "¡Corazon del Pollo!", La Parka dancing to "Thriller," annoying little guys in blue furry suits getting Tombstoned by Vampiro and grandmothers swinging at rudos with their purses when they got too close, like 70 degree weather, sunny skies, and sipping drinks at summer rooftop club parties just kind of feel like home.
For two segments they bricked and mortared my heart, and of course they could've gone another two without a complaint from me. del Rio started off the match suffocating Sin, and at the end you're damn right he ordered the Code Red, but it was in the increasingly rocky road he found getting there that let this match shine. Should this be the last time they end up meeting for a while, it served both purposes that it needed to heading into this weekend: Sin Cara looked like a comic book superhero come to life who can hang with anybody in the ring whether or not he wins or loses, and del Rio's offense looked as nasty as his snarl. The alert should've gone up when Sin Cara busted out a tope in the opening minute and a half, and from then it was in play akin to a large ape throwing barrels at his enemies. It's the way del Rio's stuff lands with such a hard-hitting sound that the ring mics can pick it up, whether it's tilt-a-whirl backbreakers or vicious, vicious basement superkicks.
Given what we missed during the break even with a replay of Sin Cara almost going Full Rollins into and damn near up and over the barricade was an Owenzuigiri that was probably brutal as well, it almost felt like the former WWE and World Champion wanted to atone for his minor masterpiece being cut by landing a vicious rope-hung double stomp to Definitely Not Hunico that was so precise you could almost see the arena deflate. Pro graps may be fake and all, but somebody being ambulatory after that? The idea was so ludicrous even the five year olds watching couldn't cotton it, no matter how predisposed they've been to hate El Patron.
Hell, it was almost enough to make one forget the show opened with R-Truth and Xavier Woods dancing down to the ring together as if just writing the phrase Sambo Voltron in the last article that went up on TWB meant it was something to be enjoyed. LE. SIGH. In all honesty, the match wasn't as compelling early as it could've been; fortunately that was muzzled by the fact that Mr. OVER 9000 was adept on commentary as a man of his mental stature should be. There were a lot of bowling pins to keep in the air: in addition to the match with his hetero life mate taking place with the last Money in the Bank winner in front of him, he and Miz wove in several narrative threads in the Rumble that'll pay off to varying degrees. Can you really trust your partner, no matter how much you may get along right now, given what's at stake and almost always only one man can win it? (Seeing Sandow in the ring while this happened was just a bigger underscore of the possibility of one member of a tag team going for himself to get a title shot and getting a short-term Pyrrhic victory in the process.
Intentional or not, it added another little garnish of reality to the subject as it was being discussed.) Is No. 27 the same magic number to victory that it used to be? How do you game plan for the Rumble and how the *cough* random draw can totally subvert all of your plans? That would've been a line of questioning that would've borne more fruit the more it was examined, since having 29 contingency plans is a bit ridiculous. But after Truth won after a game of Tiny Toonsesque "not your finisher my finisher", Miz did drop a couple of tidbits he was loath to with the Angel Grovian at the table. Even with the memories of Awesome Truth called clearly by the former WWE Champion himself, this probably won't pay off for anything Sunday. It's just nice they didn't pass it over and treated it as if it was in play, since it is until they know better.
Speaking of that, in a backstage segger between the Bellas and Foxsana, it was alluded that OUR MAIN MAN D-BRY RIGHT THERE went so rogue in order to get Bray one-on-one not even his own fiancee knew what he was up to. Unfortunately for Aksana, she talked smack, and you know what that means. Surprisingly enough though, it ended up not being Brie but Nikki who came in and personified a domicile ablaze. It was like a two-minute tornado that's probably going to have back problems in the future, and any time one gets to sing Tyga when the finisher comes down it's going to be a good time. If only Alicia Fox had gotten more time...but then, that's almost always a valid complaint when it comes to these things.
It's like this iteration of Sin Cara/del Rio in a parallel universe that way.
↧
Royal Rumble by (Entry) Numbers: 28
 |
| Many Nos. 28 have made the final four, but only Batista has won from that slot Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Final four: Rick Rude (3rd, 1990); Randy Orton (3rd, 2012); Brian Knobbs (4th, 1991); Fatu (4th, 1994); Dude Love (4th, 1998); D-Lo Brown (4th, 1999); Kane (4th, 2000); Billy Gunn (4th, 2001); Batista (4th, 2003)
Multiple draws: Kane (2000, 2002); Batista (2003, 2005)
Longest: Sheamus (2011), 18:16
Shortest: Santino Marella (2009): 0:01.
Most eliminations: Seven — Great Khali (2007)
What a hodgepodge. The 28th Royal Rumble entry spot has produced a whopping 10 final four finishers, including the fourth-place finisher from 1998-2001. Only No. 30, with 14, has yielded more final four placements. Yet there’s only one winner, Batista in 2005, and he had to go to the Rumble’s only overtime session to win. There’s been showings like Great Khali’s jaw-dropping seven eliminations in just 3:45 in 2007, and two years later Santino Marella set the benchmark for the worst Rumble performance ever, lasting a single second.
It’s not that No. 28 isn’t strong. Those 10 final fours are tough to discredit, especially considering No. 29 yielded only seven despite a slight advantage. No. 28 also leads in total eliminations, 33-26, and in number of entrants who failed to record an elimination (12 for 28, 14 for 29).
Entering so close to the end of the match it would be wrong to expect much in terms of match longevity. Unsurprisingly the honor of longest duration for a No. 28 entrant goes to the 40-man 2011 entry, Sheamus. Removing that anomaly, the “iron man” honors go to Fatu, a Headshrinker in 2994 who lasted 13:04 but made only one elimination. Still, only seven who entered at 28 came up short of five minutes.
Khali’s dominant run was indeed impressive. He tied the mark for most consecutive eliminations by removing, in order, Bob Holly, Chris Benoit, the Miz, Rob Van Dam, CM Punk, Carlito and Chavo Guerrero. But that wasn’t enough to dethrone Batista. He recorded six eliminations in his overtime win, ousting Snitsky, Chris Jericho, Christian, Chris Benoit, Edge and, ultimately, John Cena.
That was a big step up from his fourth-place finish two years earlier, which resulted in just two eliminations in 9:55. Heck, WWF newcomer Brian Knobbs carded three eliminations over 10:07 en route to a fourth-place finish in 1991. Kane finished fourth in 2000 with three eliminations in only 6:11. (And that was a monumental step up from his paltry 1:02, though with one elimination, in 2002.)
When looking at gaps and steps up or down, the attention always turns — at least mine does — to the list of biggest disparity in ring time between two appearances. No less a Rumble standout than Chris Jericho places tenth on that list on account of his 2010 showing at No. 28, when he lasted just 2:24 — a gap of 45:29 from his 47:53 showing in 2013. This is one of the instances where the luck of the draw is a bigger factor than anything. In 2013 he started the match at No. 2 — even if he’d had a pedestrian performance from 28 he still might land somewhere on my top 30 list. Still, the 2010 appearance bears mentioning because of the interplay between Jericho and that year’s surprise No. 29 entrant, which is on the docket for tomorrow.
A glance at the list of 28th entrants shows the spot has never been used for a wildly surprising entrant, and certainly never for a nostalgia or novelty act. It was Dude Love’s spot in 1998, but after Mick Foley appeared earlier in the match as Cactus Jack and then Mankind, Dude Love’s entrance at some point was more or less a given.
Here’s the thing about all this number analysis. It’s kind of fun to say “if you want to bet on someone making the final four, put your money on No. 28.” But that ignores the reality of the Rumble as a storytelling device (and also that perhaps I’m putting a personal emphasis on the final four where others would not). In the big picture the characters, performers and narrative are far more interesting than the spot at which they enter the match.
As noted in the post on No. 26, it’s probably more a quirk there’s never been a winner from that spot than anything else. It’s highly unlikely someone penciled in Batista as the 2005 Rumble victor, then said, “He’d better enter at 28 so that spot finally has a winner.” Maybe the draw was more a factor of how long someone wanted Batista to be in the ring. As it was, his was the sixth shortest ring time of any Rumble winner.
The chances the people crafting the match each year put anywhere near as much thought into these incredibly fine (and in some cases marginal) details as people like me — who have been mapping Rumble statistics since our grade school days, back when it required a Coliseum Video release, a legal pad and a stopwatch — are microscopic. That said, every second I spend reliving old Rumble memories, or revisiting a clip I’ve only seen a few times, is just more fuel for the fire of excitement about this year’s match.
I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait until Sunday.
Year | Wrestler | Duration | Out | El. | Eliminated by |
1989 | Hercules | 0:06:11 | 25 | 0 | Barbarian, DiBiase |
1990 | Rick Rude | 0:06:29 | 28 | 2 | Perfect |
1991 | Brian Knobbs | 0:10:07 | 27 | 3 | Hogan |
1992 | Sgt. Slaughter | 0:04:37 | 22 | 0 | Justice |
1993 | Owen Hart | 0:05:39 | 25 | 1 | Yokozuna |
1994 | Fatu | 0:13:04 | 26 | 1 | Hart |
1995 | Adam Bomb | 0:05:20 | 22 | 0 | Crush |
1996 | Marty Jannetty | 0:02:35 | 22 | 0 | Smith |
1997 | Vader | 0:10:06 | 26 | 1 | Austin |
1998 | Mick Foley (Dude Love) | 0:07:53 | 26 | 2 | Faarooq |
1999 | D'Lo Brown | 0:09:11 | 27 | 0 | Boss Man |
2000 | Glenn Jacobs (Kane) | 0:06:11 | 27 | 3 | X-Pac |
2001 | Billy Gunn | 0:07:22 | 27 | 0 | Austin |
2002 | Glenn Jacobs (Kane) | 0:01:02 | 24 | 1 | Angle |
2003 | Batista | 0:09:55 | 27 | 2 | Undertaker |
2004 | John Cena | 0:07:37 | 24 | 0 | Big Show |
2005 | Batista | 0:10:54 | - | 6 | (Winner) |
2006 | Shelton Benjamin | 0:06:51 | 24 | 0 | Michaels |
2007 | Great Khali | 0:03:45 | 25 | 7 | Undertaker |
2008 | Elijah Burke | 0:02:11 | 21 | 0 | Triple H |
2009 | Santino Marella | 0:00:01 | 15 | 0 | Kane |
2010 | Chris Jericho | 0:02:24 | 26 | 0 | Edge |
2011 | Sheamus | 0:18:16 | 32 | 1 | Orton |
2012 | Randy Orton | 0:05:46 | 28 | 3 | Jericho |
2013 | Miz | 0:05:08 | 24 | 0 | Ryback |
↧
My Problem with the WWE's Mae Young Tribute
 |
| Too often, Young was the butt of jokes, or the co-butt of jokes like the relationship she had with Mark Henry Photo Credit: WWE.com |
But each time I watch the video, I start to feel some other emotions that have nothing to do with Young, but with the company who employed her in her twilight years. I get a bit angrier each time when I see a video dominated by footage of Young as mostly comic relief. Granted, I don't think much video footage of her days as the toughest wrestler on the planet and a pioneer in women's wrestling exists anymore. But I get the feeling more people are going to remember Young as the woman who birthed a hand or showed her "puppies" on pay-per-view (prosthesis or not) rather than one of the most titanic figures in wrestling history.
Of course, comic relief by itself isn't bad, and wrestling needs a healthy dose of funny. Even though great comedy usually comes from people laughing with the players involve, I understand in wrestling when someone occasionally has to be the butt of a joke because of something he or she has done in the ring. However, I can't remember a single time when Young was inserted into a story for comedic value when she wasn't the punchline, and most of the time, she seemed like said butt only because she was an old woman. Old women acting saucy is one of the most tired and overused tropes in any b-grade comedy found in theaters or on Netflix.
Similar to how anyone who isn't a cis, white, straight male is treated on WWE programming, Young oftentimes didn't get to be more than a stereotype. At the very least, why couldn't WWE put her in a situation where she'd be the one laughing at another punchline instead of always being the one used at the expense of someone else? The obvious answer is that she may have wanted it to be that way. As a veteran of the business since before World War II, Young more than anyone else in wrestling knew what the value of being carny as fuck meant. Stories were told of her getting physical with other performers who'd deign to ease up on her. She wanted to get put through tables or eat the hardest clotheslines she could. Presumably, she probably wanted to be the one doing all the gross shit that WWE heaped into her tribute video in lieu of anything else she may have done.
But just because she wanted to be the butt of the joke doesn't mean WWE had to oblige her all the time. Young wasn't the only one whose image was on the line in these vignettes. Whether she knew it or not, she was a pawn in WWE's institutionalized misogynist machine. The company doesn't care about women, even if they're elderly and in possession of a resume not even WWE's biggest historical stars could dream of having.
Even now, as I've been beaten over the head with how much Young was the joke instead of one of the ones telling said joke, I hesitate to get too angry. In addition to being constantly reminded of the bad humor, I'm reminded that despite it all, Young was universally beloved by seemingly everyone in the company. No matter what, she gave herself to the McMahons, and the McMahons seemed to treat her well as a person. Sometimes, relations between family or close friends belie all conventional expectation.
While I didn't like how heavy the emphasis was on her comedic exploits in that video, WWE had to address them. No matter what anyone says or does, Young performed in those skits, and they remain indelibly linked to her. I just want so badly for someone within the company to speak up so in the future, women, whether they be mammoth figures in the history of the entire art like Young or current roster members now like Summer Rae for example don't just get treated with this broad brush that is reserved for those who aren't privileged enough to be born with male genitalia.
↧
Mr. Azerbaijan Joins the Fray, and the First Two Tentative Matches Announced for National Pro Wrestling Day
 |
| Lovelace, shown here headlocking Tripp Cassidy, will look to bring home some hardware from NPWD Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein |
The beginnings of the card for National Pro Wrestling Day are beginning to take shape. Although nothing has been announced on the home page yet, two matches for the show have been unofficially made public via Twitter. The first will pit Juan Francisco de Coronado against Shynron in a war that will more than likely settle their score. Shynron has been a thorn in the Ecuadorian Elite's side for most of 2013. Most recently, the Spirit Dragon won Coronado's services as manservant after Coronado rudely and brusquely fired Herbert. The announcement seemed to come down via the official Twitter, and while no stipulation has been named for the match right now, the tone of the folks behind the event seems to indicate one will be forthcoming.
The second match, also strongly hinted at via the show's Twitter, will put Joe Pittman's La Copa Idolo on the line against Heidi Lovelace. The two have been going back and forth on Twitter, sniping like they're chomping at the bit to get at each others' throats. La Copa Idolo is the only title contested in Wrestling Is Heart, and oddly enough, Heart is the only Wrestling Is... promotion that is still ticking aside from Fun!
Finally, another name has been thrown into the fray for the event. Mr. Azerbaijan, the third member of the Polar Baron's Union to be announced, has been officially signed to appear at the Easton Funplex on February 1. With both his comrades signed and all three of the Baltic Siege announced to be there, will we see a trios match to settle their score, once and for all, go down? I certainly hope so, if I may speak as a fan.
The second match, also strongly hinted at via the show's Twitter, will put Joe Pittman's La Copa Idolo on the line against Heidi Lovelace. The two have been going back and forth on Twitter, sniping like they're chomping at the bit to get at each others' throats. La Copa Idolo is the only title contested in Wrestling Is Heart, and oddly enough, Heart is the only Wrestling Is... promotion that is still ticking aside from Fun!
Finally, another name has been thrown into the fray for the event. Mr. Azerbaijan, the third member of the Polar Baron's Union to be announced, has been officially signed to appear at the Easton Funplex on February 1. With both his comrades signed and all three of the Baltic Siege announced to be there, will we see a trios match to settle their score, once and for all, go down? I certainly hope so, if I may speak as a fan.
↧
↧
Throwback Thursday: Van Hammer Beats Ron Simmons!*
*- ...at arm wrestling
Early '90s wrestling brought weirdness with it. The WWF was in the formative stages of its bright neon gear and occupational gimmick spam, but WCW had some ideas too. One such idea was the "Jesse Ventura Strongest Arm Competition," where the Body hosted a bunch of wrestlers to compete in the subject of the landmark feat in cinema, Over the Top. I'm not sure if the whole thing was a shoot or whether they actually kayfabed it. Either way, Van Hammer won and marked the biggest accolade in his entire career. For his trouble, he got a plaque and an angry Tony Atlas calling him out. Also, Jesse Ventura was dressed in a Santa suit. WHAT CONSPIRACY IS HE TRYING TO HIDE, MCMAHON?
Tip of the hat to @PhilKenSaban for this week's superstar selection.
Early '90s wrestling brought weirdness with it. The WWF was in the formative stages of its bright neon gear and occupational gimmick spam, but WCW had some ideas too. One such idea was the "Jesse Ventura Strongest Arm Competition," where the Body hosted a bunch of wrestlers to compete in the subject of the landmark feat in cinema, Over the Top. I'm not sure if the whole thing was a shoot or whether they actually kayfabed it. Either way, Van Hammer won and marked the biggest accolade in his entire career. For his trouble, he got a plaque and an angry Tony Atlas calling him out. Also, Jesse Ventura was dressed in a Santa suit. WHAT CONSPIRACY IS HE TRYING TO HIDE, MCMAHON?
Tip of the hat to @PhilKenSaban for this week's superstar selection.
↧
Any Shows This Weekend? Warm up with Wrestling!
 |
| Matt Hardy will be among those on the potential receiving end of Chris Hero strikes this weekend Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein |
The weekend is here, and despite the dreaded POLAR VORTEX rearing its ugly head again, wrestling is still happening all around this great land. I urge you to be brave and go out in order to get to the venue of choice, because a whole bunch of great wrestling shows are happening across the world. You can find out which ones are going down by heading over to Pro Wrestling Events, but if you want the skinny on the big shows this weekend, check below, why don't you.
FRIDAY
AAW will be kicking off its year with The Chaos Theory, live from the Berwyn Eagles Club in Berwyn, IL. The doors open at 7 PM local time, and when you get in there, you'll be treated to a main event for the AAW Heavyweight Championship. Shane Hollister, with Scarlett Bordeaux by his side, will defend against scene veteran Jimmy Jacobs. Also on the show, Michael Elgin will team up with fellow Canadian Ethan Page to take on the debuting tandem of Ricochet and Uhaa Nation. Matt Cage defends the Heritage Championship against former titleholder ACH, while Team Ambition (Davey Richards and Kyle O'Reilly) face off against the team of Louis Lyndon and Marion Fontaine. Also making appearances on this show will be Eddie Kingston, Colt Cabana, Juntai Miller, Silas Young, and Jonathan Gresham.
SHINE 16 will be occupying the Orpheum in Ybor City, FL tonight. Tickets are still available live, but even if you're not in America's hanging dong, you can hit up WWN Live for an Internet pay-per-view broadcast at 9 PM Eastern Standard Time. The main event will pit two members of the feared Valkyrie stable against each other for the SHINE Championship. The challenger is Ivelisse Velez. The Champion is Rain. The two swear that the challenge will not tear the group asunder from within, but time will tell. One group that is all but imaginary in the SHINE Universe is the Midwest Militia, which is good since two of the principles in the stable, Jessicka Havok and Allysin Kay, will be looking to tear each other limb from limb in a no disqualification war. Their last match ended in stalemate. This one will look to rectify that end. Also on the show, Taylor Made will face her biggest challenge yet as she battles The Amazing Kong, Angelina Love tangles with Leah von Dutch in a battle of Canadians, Neveah will grapple with the cosplaying wonder Leva Bates, and Serena Deeb makes her SHINE debut against Santana Garrett. Amber O'Neal, Mercedes Martinez, Heidi Lovelace, Sassy Stephie, and Su Yung will also be making their presences felt at this show.
SATURDAY
Ring of Honor will get Pittsburgh warmed up for the Royal Rumble with a huge show from the David L. Lawrence Convention Center. World's Finest will kick off at 7:30 PM local time, and the main event will throw three tag teams into the mix. World Champion Adam Cole has his personal hired muscle Matt Hardy by his side, defending against three of his pissed off former-and-future challengers and a crazed practitioner of redneck kung fu. Two of those challengers, Michael Elgin and Chris Hero, will team up, while the other one, Jay Briscoe, teams with his brother Mark. Also on the show, Cedric Alexander will get the opportunity of a lifetime as he goes one-on-one with Paul London. Alexander will take the place of an injured Roderick Strong. Tomasso Ciampa defends his Television Championship against both Matt Taven and Jay Lethal, while Kevin Steen nuts up against one-half of the ROH Tag Team Champions, Kyle O'Reilly. Jimmy Jacobs and BJ Whitmer tangle with ACH and TaDarius Thomas, and Mike Bennett and Maria Kanellis will also be in the house.
NWA Houston will play host to a third match for the NWA Women's Championship between Kay Cee Carlisle and Barbi Hayden. The match will main event the show, which will kick off at 7:30 PM local time from the VFW Post 8905 in Cypress, TX. In addition to the title match, Scot Summers and Byron Wilcott among others will be on the card.
Anarchy Wrestling will hold serve from the Anarchy Arena in Cornelia, GA, at 8 PM local time. Scheduled to appear at this show will be Iceberg, "The Temptation" Shaun Tempers, Corey Hollis, the Washington Bullets, "Hit for Hire" Bobby Moore, and of course, Anarchy Champion Mikael Judas.
Empire Pro Wrestling also has some Southern fried Georgia rasslin' at their titular arena in Rossville, GA. Doors will open at 7 PM local time. Among those scheduled are the reunited Wyld Stallyns, KT Hamill, and Tank.
East Coast Wrestling Association will present New Year's Resolution III at the Greater Newark Boys and Girls Club in Newark, DE. The doors open at 6 PM local. AMong those scheduled to appear at the show will be ECWA Champ Kekoa the Flyin' Hawaiian, Bobby Shields, Azrieal, and the ever-popular Mr. Ooh-La-La.
New York Wrestling Connection roosts in the NYWC Sportatorium in Deer Park, NY, doors opening at 6 PM local. Mikey Whipwreck will battle Mike MOndo in the main event. Alex Reynolds and John Silver will engage in a rematch, while Chrissy Rivera takes on Marti Belle. Francis Kipland Stevens and Stockade are also scheduled to appear.
SUNDAY
SMASH Wrestling's Any Given Sunday 2 is the main indie show for Sunday. They will invade the E-Zone in Ebitocoke, ON, for a 4 PM belltime. Their HUGE main event will pit AJ Styles against Chris Hero. Also on the show is a match that could main event any other arena in America, Michael Elgin battling Johnny Gargano. Matt Cross, Kyle O'Reilly, and "Hacker" Scotty O'Shea will engage in three-way war, while Seleziya Sparx will rematch against Veda Scott from the US vs. Canada women's series earlier in 2013. Gregory Iron battles Tyson Dux, while Josh Alexander is also scheduled to appear.
Vanguard Wrestling All-Star Alliance will round out the events for this weekend with Resolution 7 at the Addison Community Center in Addison, IL. Among the wrestlers appearing for this 4 PM bell time will be the Estonian Thunder Frog, Gary Jay, the Proletariat Boar of Moldova, Brown Morning of Belarus, Bolt Brady, Tripp Cassidy, Reed Bentley, and making their VWAA debuts, the Hooligans.
Rain or shine, heat or cold, clear day or apocalypse, wrestling is perfect accoutrements for any condition outside. It can only grow, however, if you help support it. Go and see a show near you this weekend, especially if you've never gone to one before. You never know; you might find the favorite promotion or wrestler you didn't know you had when you do.
FRIDAY
AAW will be kicking off its year with The Chaos Theory, live from the Berwyn Eagles Club in Berwyn, IL. The doors open at 7 PM local time, and when you get in there, you'll be treated to a main event for the AAW Heavyweight Championship. Shane Hollister, with Scarlett Bordeaux by his side, will defend against scene veteran Jimmy Jacobs. Also on the show, Michael Elgin will team up with fellow Canadian Ethan Page to take on the debuting tandem of Ricochet and Uhaa Nation. Matt Cage defends the Heritage Championship against former titleholder ACH, while Team Ambition (Davey Richards and Kyle O'Reilly) face off against the team of Louis Lyndon and Marion Fontaine. Also making appearances on this show will be Eddie Kingston, Colt Cabana, Juntai Miller, Silas Young, and Jonathan Gresham.
SHINE 16 will be occupying the Orpheum in Ybor City, FL tonight. Tickets are still available live, but even if you're not in America's hanging dong, you can hit up WWN Live for an Internet pay-per-view broadcast at 9 PM Eastern Standard Time. The main event will pit two members of the feared Valkyrie stable against each other for the SHINE Championship. The challenger is Ivelisse Velez. The Champion is Rain. The two swear that the challenge will not tear the group asunder from within, but time will tell. One group that is all but imaginary in the SHINE Universe is the Midwest Militia, which is good since two of the principles in the stable, Jessicka Havok and Allysin Kay, will be looking to tear each other limb from limb in a no disqualification war. Their last match ended in stalemate. This one will look to rectify that end. Also on the show, Taylor Made will face her biggest challenge yet as she battles The Amazing Kong, Angelina Love tangles with Leah von Dutch in a battle of Canadians, Neveah will grapple with the cosplaying wonder Leva Bates, and Serena Deeb makes her SHINE debut against Santana Garrett. Amber O'Neal, Mercedes Martinez, Heidi Lovelace, Sassy Stephie, and Su Yung will also be making their presences felt at this show.
SATURDAY
Ring of Honor will get Pittsburgh warmed up for the Royal Rumble with a huge show from the David L. Lawrence Convention Center. World's Finest will kick off at 7:30 PM local time, and the main event will throw three tag teams into the mix. World Champion Adam Cole has his personal hired muscle Matt Hardy by his side, defending against three of his pissed off former-and-future challengers and a crazed practitioner of redneck kung fu. Two of those challengers, Michael Elgin and Chris Hero, will team up, while the other one, Jay Briscoe, teams with his brother Mark. Also on the show, Cedric Alexander will get the opportunity of a lifetime as he goes one-on-one with Paul London. Alexander will take the place of an injured Roderick Strong. Tomasso Ciampa defends his Television Championship against both Matt Taven and Jay Lethal, while Kevin Steen nuts up against one-half of the ROH Tag Team Champions, Kyle O'Reilly. Jimmy Jacobs and BJ Whitmer tangle with ACH and TaDarius Thomas, and Mike Bennett and Maria Kanellis will also be in the house.
NWA Houston will play host to a third match for the NWA Women's Championship between Kay Cee Carlisle and Barbi Hayden. The match will main event the show, which will kick off at 7:30 PM local time from the VFW Post 8905 in Cypress, TX. In addition to the title match, Scot Summers and Byron Wilcott among others will be on the card.
Anarchy Wrestling will hold serve from the Anarchy Arena in Cornelia, GA, at 8 PM local time. Scheduled to appear at this show will be Iceberg, "The Temptation" Shaun Tempers, Corey Hollis, the Washington Bullets, "Hit for Hire" Bobby Moore, and of course, Anarchy Champion Mikael Judas.
Empire Pro Wrestling also has some Southern fried Georgia rasslin' at their titular arena in Rossville, GA. Doors will open at 7 PM local time. Among those scheduled are the reunited Wyld Stallyns, KT Hamill, and Tank.
East Coast Wrestling Association will present New Year's Resolution III at the Greater Newark Boys and Girls Club in Newark, DE. The doors open at 6 PM local. AMong those scheduled to appear at the show will be ECWA Champ Kekoa the Flyin' Hawaiian, Bobby Shields, Azrieal, and the ever-popular Mr. Ooh-La-La.
New York Wrestling Connection roosts in the NYWC Sportatorium in Deer Park, NY, doors opening at 6 PM local. Mikey Whipwreck will battle Mike MOndo in the main event. Alex Reynolds and John Silver will engage in a rematch, while Chrissy Rivera takes on Marti Belle. Francis Kipland Stevens and Stockade are also scheduled to appear.
SUNDAY
SMASH Wrestling's Any Given Sunday 2 is the main indie show for Sunday. They will invade the E-Zone in Ebitocoke, ON, for a 4 PM belltime. Their HUGE main event will pit AJ Styles against Chris Hero. Also on the show is a match that could main event any other arena in America, Michael Elgin battling Johnny Gargano. Matt Cross, Kyle O'Reilly, and "Hacker" Scotty O'Shea will engage in three-way war, while Seleziya Sparx will rematch against Veda Scott from the US vs. Canada women's series earlier in 2013. Gregory Iron battles Tyson Dux, while Josh Alexander is also scheduled to appear.
Vanguard Wrestling All-Star Alliance will round out the events for this weekend with Resolution 7 at the Addison Community Center in Addison, IL. Among the wrestlers appearing for this 4 PM bell time will be the Estonian Thunder Frog, Gary Jay, the Proletariat Boar of Moldova, Brown Morning of Belarus, Bolt Brady, Tripp Cassidy, Reed Bentley, and making their VWAA debuts, the Hooligans.
Rain or shine, heat or cold, clear day or apocalypse, wrestling is perfect accoutrements for any condition outside. It can only grow, however, if you help support it. Go and see a show near you this weekend, especially if you've never gone to one before. You never know; you might find the favorite promotion or wrestler you didn't know you had when you do.
↧
Royal Rumble by (Entry) Numbers: 29
 |
| Edge's return at No. 29 in 2010 dropped a ton of jaws Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Final four: Sid Justice (2nd, 1992); Triple H (2nd, 2008); Chris Jericho (2nd, 2012); Rick Martel (4th, 1989); Hercules (4th, 1990); Davey Boy Smith (4th, 1996)
Multiple draws: Rob Van Dam (2002, 2004);
Longest: Rey Mysterio (2011), 19:07
Shortest: The Miz (2007): 0:07.
Most eliminations: Six — Triple H (2008)
In a way, perhaps the oddest thing about No. 29 is it’s the final of three entry spots that’s never seen a contestant eliminated by more than one wrestler. Look at the list of those who eliminated anyone who entered at Nos. 1, 22 or 29, and there has never been even a double team. Does it mean anything? Absolutely not — especially if you want to argue Sid Justice was the victim of a double team of Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan in 1992. It’s my policy not to credit Hogan with an elimination since he was already out of the match, but to be fair to Sid, Flair alone didn’t do the damage.
It’s not all that odd to see Steve Austin and Big Show pop up in the eliminated by column three times, just as it’s not surprising to see Shawn Michaels in there twice. This is the end game, where the ring is almost always populated with champions, legends and future (and sometimes current) hall of famers. So who qualifies as the best No. 29?
It’s time to throw longevity out the window. Obviously No. 29 is at the tail of a conventional Rumble, and has been the case with a lot of these endgame positions, the “iron man” honors go to the 2011 entrant, in this case Rey Mysterio, who lasted 19:07 in the 40-man Rumble. But he only made two eliminations and missed the final four. Not good enough.
The longest stint in a 30-man Rumble is the possession of Chris Jericho, who memorably returned in time for the 2012 Rumble, lasted 11:34, made two eliminations and nearly defeated Sheamus. It’s fresh in the minds of many fans, but it’s nothing like the 11:21, six-elimination performance of Triple H in 2008, although that night was more memorable for the surprising return of the 30th entrant. Triple H failed to win — that hurts him in this analysis.
Speaking of surprising returns, when the clock hit zero for the 29th entrant in 2010, just about everyone in Atlanta was stunned to hear the familiar “You think you know me…” blare over the Phillips Arena speakers as Edge made his way to the ring. After 7:19 and two eliminations — Jericho and John Cena — The Rated R Superstar was the second No. 29 to win and be on his way to WrestleMania.
As amazing as that night was, it’s tough to take away top honors from the quintessential Heyman Guy, Brock Lesnar. In his first and, so far, only Rumble appearance, Lesnar went nearly nine minutes (he’d beaten the Big Show earlier in the night to earn his Rumble spot) while eliminating Shelton Benjamin, Charlie Haas, Matt Hardy and that year’s No. 30, a returning Undertaker. When entering this late in the game, winning trumps all else, so Lesnar gets a narrow edge over Triple H’s impressive 2008 showing, as well as Sid’s 5:55, five-elimination run in 1992.
A reminder here that although No. 29 would be much more likely to win in an unscripted conflict, the spot has produced as many winners as No. 2. In fact, Nos. 1 and 30 also accounted for only two winners each. For some reason, the “talented guy comes in toward the end and cleans house” is not a well-worn trope. Perhaps because the Rumble is better served as a vehicle for unpredictability (even though it has often been very predictable).
Back to the arcane — Lesnar’s dumping of tag-team partners Haas and Benjamin was the only sixth such occurrence to that point — but it did happen again in 2007, 2009, 2010 and 2012.
Overall, No. 29 has been responsible for half as many eliminations (26) as No. 30 (52). Some 14 of the 15 No. 29s made no eliminations. Ten 29th entrants have come up shy of five minutes in the ring. The worst was The Miz in 2007, a whopping seven seconds made to look even worse by his 45:39 run in 2012. The 45:32 gap from best to worst is ninth all time on that list. Edge is at 18th on the same ranking, his 7:19 as a winner in 2010 being 36:43 shy of his run in 2007.
Also on the list from No. 29 are Davey Boy Smith, whose a 35:02 gap (3:39 in 1996 and 38:41 in 1995 — in the final four both times) is 24th of the top 30; 28th is Rob Van Dam, a 31:44 chasm (2:12 in 2002, 33:56 in 2003). Again, we can’t expect longevity from a 29th entrant. That four No. 29s are on this “biggest gaps” list primarily says a lot of guys who drew 29 also had the chance in other Rumbles to enter early and show off their endurance skills.
It’s no great leap to predict 2014’s No. 29 will be around long enough to be in the final four. If that man happens to be Batista, he would join the exclusive club of four men who have made the final four five times, leaving Triple H and John Cena alone in the four-timer’s club. Kane, if he enters, has a chance to make his sixth final four, though he hasn’t been since 2008. It’s a safe bet we won’t see Randy Orton, Shawn Michaels or Steve Austin in the Rumble — and the three-timer’s club (Big Show, Davey Boy Smith, Edge, Hulk Hogan, the Rock and the Undertaker) is pretty unlikely to promote a member to four.
But then again, there was a time many people never thought they’d see Batista in another Rumble. But he’ll be there. Anything, as they say, can happen in the WWE.
Year | Wrestler | Duration | Out | El. | Elim. by |
1989 | Rick Martel | 0:05:29 | 27 | 1 | Akeem |
1990 | Hercules | 0:03:02 | 27 | 1 | Rude |
1991 | Warlord | 0:01:35 | 19 | 0 | Hogan |
1992 | Sid Justice | 0:05:55 | 29 | 5 | Flair |
1993 | Barry Darsow (Repo Man) | 0:03:33 | 26 | 0 | Savage |
1994 | Marty Jannetty | 0:08:18 | 24 | 0 | Michaels |
1995 | Fatu | 0:05:32 | 24 | 0 | Crush |
1996 | Davey Boy Smith | 0:03:39 | 27 | 1 | Michaels |
1997 | Henry Godwinn | 0:06:11 | 22 | 0 | Undertaker |
1998 | Brian Lee (Chainz) | 0:04:56 | 24 | 1 | Austin |
1999 | Owen Hart | 0:06:31 | 26 | 0 | Austin |
2000 | Charles Wright (Godfather) | 0:01:32 | 23 | 0 | Big Show |
2001 | Haku | 0:02:51 | 24 | 0 | Austin |
2002 | Rob Van Dam | 0:02:12 | 25 | 0 | Booker |
2003 | Brock Lesnar | 0:08:59 | - | 4 | (Winner) |
2004 | Rob Van Dam | 0:06:44 | 25 | 1 | Big Show |
2005 | Christian | 0:02:09 | 24 | 0 | Batista |
2006 | Goldust | 0:03:09 | 20 | 0 | Van Dam |
2007 | Miz | 0:00:07 | 20 | 0 | Khali |
2008 | Triple H | 0:11:21 | 29 | 6 | Cena |
2009 | Jim Duggan | 0:02:50 | 16 | 0 | Big Show |
2010 | Edge | 0:07:19 | - | 2 | (Winner) |
2011 | Rey Mysterio | 0:19:07 | 35 | 2 | Barrett |
2012 | Chris Jericho | 0:11:34 | 29 | 2 | Sheamus |
2013 | Sin Cara | 0:03:27 | 23 | 0 | Ryback |
↧
The Unbearable Weight of Uncertain Expectation: 2014 Royal Rumble Preview
 |
| Will WWE have the bearded people's choice win the Rumble this year... Photo Credit: WWE.com |
In years past, the WWE could take a chance on a Rumble winner because they had two nominally "top" belts, even if somewhere around 2010, the World Heavyweight Championship took a decided backseat to the WWE Championship. Even when the Championships were equal in stature, if one Championship match had a "not quite there yet, but close" wrestler challenging for it, the company could make up for it by booking a stronger title match opposite. The Championships are unified, at least for the time being. I would be remiss if I didn't think shenanigans in the other main event were possible. I would be surprised if WWE split the belts now, but I don't think that decision would come out of nowhere.
Anyway, because only one top Championship exists, the Royal Rumble crown now solely awaits a suitor who is ready to come out and be the main event for their biggest show of the year. Unless the John Cena/Randy Orton loser enters the match, only four possible victors emerge: Batista, CM Punk, Roman Reigns, Daniel Bryan. Batista, Punk, and Reigns are entered in the match. Bryan, right now, is not in the fray. Instead, he has Bray Wyatt in front of him.
Bryan's apparent exclusion from the match has left many scratching their heads. He was wronged in the main event of SummerSlam and spent the entire autumn fighting for the chance to make it right, only to be thwarted at every turn by nefarious outside factors. Wyatt has been his sojourn for the last three months, one that actually made sense. He and his family of backwater hillbilly cultists preach a message of dismantling the machine, a machine that ostensibly has been putting the pneumatic screws to Bryan ever since he defeated Cena in the middle of the ring at the Biggest Party of the Summer. Shouldn't his struggle against them and doing things their way lead to a clearer path towards the Championship, the prize he's wanted above all else?
 |
| ...or will it be the conquering, returning antihero? Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Of course, Batista comes into play now, as he carries the name cache and the "old guy coming back" allure. He's done business before, why can't he do it again? His ticket may be punched for former stablemate Orton at Mania, but Orton's far from a guarantee to be Champion then anyway. But leaving Bryan by the apparent wayside for a big strong dude with muscles feels like the most stereotypical way for WWE to operate.
Then again, is the Championship really the only thing to fight for at Mania? If Bryan is meant to wrestle the head of the Authority (Triple H) or a goal that's rarer to appear in the Undertaker's Streak, then should he even be in the Rumble match? I have no idea how to answer that question, because I still don't know what the currency is most in WWE. Is wrestling for the Championship the be-all, end-all, or is being a part of a hot, well-written, memorable story the thing that should be strived for?
If stories are the currency, then maybe the Rumble is freed up a little more. Maybe the best way for Punk to strike at this Authority that has been bothering him, or more accurately, retaliating against him for his unprovoked rabble-rousing against them is to take their title, not fight the god-head of it. The dissolution of The Shield might not be a thing that happens before WrestleMania, but afterwards, as professional jealousy shears the group at its fault lines as Reigns would now have the biggest prize of them all. Hell, Cody Rhodes has unfinished business with Orton. Mark Henry has a receipt to present to Brock Lesnar.
No matter how my imagination runs wild with possible endings, I still keep going back to only two possible winners for this match. Daniel Bryan is the angel that sits on my right shoulder, thrusting his arms in a V-shape up to the heavens, shouting affirmations towards giving the Authority their final embarrassment. On the left sits Batista, dressed in his ostentatious cop-shades and leather vest, continually repeating "I can has title shot?" until my brain breaks in response. The crushing weight of expectation is breaking my back, and yet I still don't know how the whole thing is going to play out. I wonder if that paradox itself provides all the beauty inherent in this year's Rumble match.
↧
↧
Royal Rumble by (Entry) Numbers: 30
 |
| Hard to believe the first No. 30 to win was Undertaker 18 years after the match's inception Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Final four: Ted DiBiase (2nd, 1989) Mr. Perfect (2nd, 1990); Randy Savage (2nd, 1994); Undertaker (2nd, 2003); Randy Orton (2nd, 2006); Ryback (2nd, 2013); Crush (3rd, 1995); X-Pac (3rd, 2000); Batista (3rd, 2010); Undertaker (4th, 1997); Wade Barrett (4th, 2011); Big Show (4th, 2012)
Multiple draws: Undertaker (1997, 2003, 2007); Big Show (2009, 2012)
Longest:
Shortest: Booker T (2002): 0:33.
Most eliminations: Six — Big Show (2009).
Out of 25 Royal Rumbles with at least 30 participants, 14 times the 30th entrant has been in the final four. And why not? What’s far more surprising is a No. 30 didn’t win until the 18th try — and that winner was the Undertaker, who’d already entered twice at No. 30. With the seal broken, it was less of a surprise to see No. 30 win the following year — though since the entrant was a supposedly-injured John Cena, there was still plenty of surprise to go around.
The first No. 30, Ted DiBiase, helped tell one of the great early Rumble stories as backstage vignettes throughout the show made it clear he was using some of his wealth to acquire the ideal entry position from Slick, manager of the Twin Towers. When the Million Dollar Man was left in the final three with Akeem and Big John Studd, it was clear the Africa Dream was on DiBiase’s payroll.
The story continued the next year when DiBiase ended up with No. 1, proving he’d been unable to buy power two years running. That same year No. 30 went naturally to Mr. Perfect, who crowed about owning “the perfect number.” As noted at the outset of this series, DiBiase pioneered the 30 one year, 1 the next, followed by Rikishi in 2001-2002 and Undertaker in 2007-2008. Ric Flair came in at No. 30 in 2005, 12 years after entering at No. 1 in 1993 and two years before repeating in 2007.
There have been utterly useless No. 30 entrants, such as Tugboat in 1991 and Warlord in 1992 — combined they lasted less than five minutes. Ten other No. 30s failed to last five minutes. However, a whole lot of those entrants at least affected the outcome. All but five 30th entrants recorded at least one elimination, the best performance of any spot (No. 1 is second with only seven of 26 entrants failing to record a single elimination). Collectively the 30th entrants have made 52 eliminations, in second place behind No. 1 with 62.
The list of short-timers who made a difference starts with Booker T in 2002. He lasted just 33 seconds, but that was long enough to dump Rob Van Dam. That’s two seconds longer in the ring than Chyna in 1999. The first woman to enter a Royal Rumble eliminated Mark Henry, but she lasted only 35 seconds in total. The common thread? Both were eliminated at the hands of Steve Austin.
As was the case with No. 29, No. 30 makes several contributions to the list of 30 wrestlers who have the shortest duration but are credited with at least one elimination. Booker T and Chyna are third and fourth on that list. Ric Flair is at 20th with 1:58 and one elimination, Vader is at 25th, lasting 2:16 with one elimination. Rikishi is 28th with 2:35 and one elimination. But that’s not all:
Goldberg lasted but 2:07 in 2003 yet recorded three eliminations. Even more impressive, Big Show mustered all of 1:51 in 2012, which was enough time to eliminate Jack Swagger, Cody Rhodes, The Miz and Dolph Ziggler. That was his second No. 30 entry — he made six eliminations three years earlier, a total of ten from the 30th spot.
But that leads us back to the Undertaker. Three Rumbles at No. 30, more than 25 minutes in all, ten total eliminations, a fourth-place finish, a second-place finish and finally, the best run of any No. 30, a win in 2007 featuring one of the most memorable endgame sequences ever, a one-on-one showdown with Shawn Michaels, arguably the greatest Rumbler of them all. The 13:15 he needed to win is the longest of any No. 30, aside from Wade Barrett in the 40-man 2011 Rumble.
That win, and that it came at the expense of the Heartbreak Kid, gives Undertaker the edge over Cena in 2008 as the single best performance from No. 30. Honorable mention surely is awarded to the powerhouse runs by Big Show, as well as the 9:06, five-elimination showing by Ryback in 2013. But making a splash and lasting to near the end is so common from 30, the win has to be the deciding factor. Take nothing away from Cena’s shocking return in 2008, Undertaker stole the show in 2007.
Hulk Hogan had a hand in eliminating No. 30 three years running. Austin eliminated No. 30 in three nonconsecutive years. In the last five years, No. 30 has been eliminated either by John Cena (2010, 2013) or Randy Orton, who coincidentally face each other this Sunday.
No. 30’s entrance often is bittersweet because it means the match is nearly over. Back when all the competitors were announced before the match, there was no surprise factor. Even in some of the years where the entrant was uncertain, it could be a dud like (no offense) Duke Droese or X-Pac. Barrett in 2011 was the first No. 30 since Flair in 2005 to be a certain non-winner, but he also had ten more entrants follow him to the ring at the succeeding entry positions.
To have No. 30 be both a legitimate contender as well as a total surprise is fairly difficult. Between spoilers about who happens to already be in the same city as the event (Sheamus, Chris Jericho), or active roster members who are more conspicuous by their absence from the match (Daniel Bryan), even the “surprise” entrants aren’t so much surprises as they would be the occasion for a knowing grin or, in the case of Bryan, a sigh of relief. And if none of those three have entered in the first 29 positions, sending out someone even as exciting as Seth Rollins or Big E Langston would be unfortunately anticlimactic — we know they’re in the match regardless, and we’re almost certain they won’t win.
Still, the potential for a magic moment is real, as it is with any spot if the performer and the plot are up to the challenge. That’s the beauty of the Rumble.
Year | Wrestler | Duration | Out | El. | Eliminated by |
1989 | Ted DiBiase | 0:06:27 | 29 | 3 | Studd |
1990 | Mr. Perfect | 0:03:32 | 29 | 0 | Hogan |
1991 | Fred Ottman (Tugboat) | 0:02:32 | 21 | 0 | Hogan |
1992 | Warlord | 0:01:43 | 24 | 0 | Hogan, Justice |
1993 | Randy Savage | 0:09:01 | 29 | 1 | Yokozuna |
1994 | Adam Bomb | 0:04:55 | 20 | 0 | Luger |
1995 | Crush | 0:08:51 | 28 | 5 | Smith |
1996 | Duke Droese | 0:01:10 | 26 | 0 | Kama, Diesel |
1997 | Undertaker | 0:06:46 | 27 | 2 | Austin |
1998 | Vader | 0:02:16 | 21 | 1 | Goldust |
1999 | Chyna | 0:00:35 | 23 | 1 | Austin |
2000 | Sean Waltman (X-Pac) | 0:03:32 | 28 | 1 | Big Show |
2001 | Fatu (Rikishi) | 0:02:35 | 26 | 1 | Rock |
2002 | Booker T | 0:00:33 | 26 | 1 | Austin |
2003 | Undertaker | 0:06:45 | 29 | 5 | Lesnar |
2004 | Goldberg | 0:02:07 | 23 | 3 | Angle |
2005 | Ric Flair | 0:01:58 | 26 | 1 | Edge |
2006 | Randy Orton | 0:13:04 | 29 | 2 | Mysterio |
2007 | Undertaker | 0:13:15 | - | 3 | (Winner) |
2008 | John Cena | 0:08:27 | - | 4 | (Winner) |
2009 | Big Show | 0:09:32 | 25 | 6 | Orton |
2010 | Batista | 0:05:24 | 28 | 1 | Cena |
2011 | Wade Barrett | 0:22:23 | 37 | 2 | Orton |
2012 | Big Show | 0:01:51 | 27 | 4 | Orton |
2013 | Ryback | 0:09:06 | 29 | 5 | Cena |
↧
Twitter Request Line, Vol. 63
 |
| Has Cena's uncanny durability hurt WWE? Photo Credit: WWE.com |
First up this week, @__NickX asks if by staying healthy and dedicated to wrestling if John Cena is accidentally interfering with the WWE star-making process, or if no one has deserved the baton.
I think the above is an interesting theory. Cena has not only been unusually healthy for his career, but when he HAS been out with injury, his nearly Wolverine-levels of healing factor have had him back in the lineup WAY ahead of schedule. The man is either a wizard or he has unlocked the secrets to better living, be it through natural means or chemistry. I am not one to judge. Of course, injuries and malaise have been the key to elevation in wrestling history, even when WWE wasn't the only game in town. Hulk Hogan laying low due to steroids gave us Bret Hart. Shawn Michaels' back going FUBAR facilitated the rise of Steve Austin, whose neck problems gave us The Rock and Triple H. Cena himself was the beneficiary of Brock Lesnar saying "FUCK YOU" to the WWE's tortuous road schedule.
Of course, Cena's monopoly on airtime isn't necessarily the only thing keeping other guys from emerging. Outside of that one story Chris Jericho and Edge related on the former's podcast about Cena nixing the SummerSlam angle with the Nexus (something they said Cena regretted almost immediately), he doesn't seem like the kind of guy who plays politics inasmuch as when Vince McMahon tells him he's going over, he's not really going to fight it. Then again, I'm not backstage. I don't know. However, I look at the people WWE has put in the main event with him at the time, and none of them really have deserved the baton until right about now, really. And to Cena's credit, he's done business with guys like CM Punk and Daniel Bryan.
Wrestling is a strange business. Sometimes, you think you know the score, but in reality, what is going on can be too hard to understand for even the savviest, most plugged-in minds. Things tend to work out for the best if the right conditions are in place for it. Right now, WWE is about ready to launch the Network, and generally has people in charge who know how the wrestling and entertainment businesses work. The inmates aren't running the asylum like in WCW, the boss isn't a crook like in ECW, and nothing bigger is coming to swallow them up like McMahon did to the territories. When Cena is ready to hand over or at least share the spotlight, it'll happen. How it will happen, I'm not sure. I hope to God that the moment is this year with Daniel Bryan getting a nuclear WrestleMania moment, but at this point, who the hell knows?
Next up, @PhilaBCoulter wants to know the best ending to a Royal Rumble match.
My favorite Rumble moment ever is also my favorite finish. The 2011, infamous 40-man Rumble saw Alberto del Rio apparently claim victory, except one guy was left who never went over the top rope. When Santino Marella skulked back into the ring, the buzz in the crowd rose to epic levels, and then when he dumped del Rio over the top, I popped huge along with the TD Garden. Of course, del Rio skinned the cat and interrupted the Santino Invisible Trombone to win his Rumble, but the false finish was more exciting than most definitive finishes, even the ones that were set up to elicit confusion and controversy.
My bro from grade school and certified president of the Andy Reid Haters Club @Bdonn120 wants my prediction on the Rumble winner.
Oh man, I've skated on doing this for too long, haven't I? I even managed not to make a prediction in my Rumble preview yesterday. Making the call on this Rumble is hard because the winner is so obvious that I think it's a misdirection. They've telegraphed Batista winning on short notice so hard that I almost feel like they're setting him up to be epically upset. Whether Alberto del Rio or Daniel Bryan or even an illegal Randy Orton eliminates him, I feel like someone's tossing him over the top. So that leaves Bryan and the field as the winner.
I'm also convinced that Brock Lesnar is going to be WWE Champion at WrestleMania, so that might alleviate the strain of needing someone to be entangled with Orton (or even Cena). So who's the one to face Lesnar for the strap? Undertaker is now in play, since WWE has wanted to make that match happen forever. However, you'd be left with a part-timer as Champion after Mania, which means someone is losing the strap at Extreme Rules, Undertaker is ready to work a semi-fulltime schedule again, or Lesnar's got a bunch of secret dates on his contract that no one knows about. Cody Rhodes only makes sense if Orton's the Champion, and I guess that could make sense. However, they seem hell-bent on having Rhodes/Goldust sooner rather than later.
So, all the above only leaves two viable choices in mind: Daniel Bryan and Roman Reigns. With those two in mind, I think Reigns has the best shot of winning. They seem to want to break The Shield up, and the best way to do it would be one guy winning at the expense of the other two. So yeah, put me down for Roman Reigns.
Prominent Pitt Panther/Philly bro @HummerX asks if I'd be okay with Sting coming into WWE to induct RoboCop to the Hall of Fame.
I'd be down for that. Obviously, RoboCop is actually relevant this year too!
In all seriousness, for as much as I'm sick of Sting rumors and don't like the performer he is now, I guess if he got to WWE, I'd accept it and see where he'd go. I just don't think he HAS to work the Undertaker. Hell, I don't even know where that expectation came from. Did I miss something? But I guess from McMahon's viewpoint, Sting's the last piece of the WCW puzzle for him, the last domino to fall for him to claim total victory. Unless Sting's super-adamant about not working for WWE, it's probably gonna happen. Might as well accept the eventuality.
@Doc_Ruiz2012 wants my preference: Xavier Woods or Sting vs. Undertaker this year?
Xavier Woods, in a walk! I do have to wonder what Woods did to you to garner such hate every week. Did he kick your puppy? Not that I'm complaining. These questions are the best.
Basenji enthusiast @OhWowHmm asks how I pick a good barber.
For me, picking a barber is really not that hard because I only get the cheapest of cheap haircuts, the buzzcut. But then again, my childhood barber even fucked that up, mainly because he was a drunkard. But he did have old Pro Wrestling Illustrated mags at his shop, so I couldn't complain.
Anyway, the most important thing to consider is whether you just wanna get in and get out, or whether you like the whole communal aspect of being at the barbershop and shooting the shit with the patrons/barbers. I personally just wanna get in and get out, but I'm a bit on the antisocial side. Anyway, if you fuck up a fade or a buzz, then you're out. If you charge more than ten bucks for a buzz, you're out. Other than that, I'm easy.
Benevolent (for now) cybernetic Twitter interface @robot_hammer wants me to rank the Rocky movies from best to least best.
For the record, I have not seen Rocky Balboa yet.
1. Rocky - Can't fuck with a classic.
2. Rocky 3 - Clubber Lang was a bad mother, but the movie gets two bests for the Hulk Hogan cameo and for it being the best gay romance film ever.
3. Rocky 4 - Sure, the patriotism angle was heavy-handed, but nothing is more badass than Ivan Drago saying "If he dies, he dies." NOTHING.
4. Rocky 2 - Totally shit all over the ending of the first. In fact, I don't think they should've made any sequels to the first one, but whatever.
5. Rocky 5 - "RANTLERS! UNBELIEVABLE!"
And as for @justastupidmark's supplemental question, while Clubber Lang was inarguably the cooler antagonist, Ivan Drago would eat him for lunch and pick his teeth with the bones.
Dirty Dirty Sheets site shutterbug Greg Davis asks my thoughts on AAW getting on a Roku channel.
Not only do I think AAW is making the right move, they are blazing a trail. More indie promotions of successful means should try getting on Roku channels, or more specifically, they should try to get on the same channel. Roku and streaming is the wave of the future, and it will not only be the revolution for WWE, but for indie promotions too. The art of wrestling is great even if it just is cultivated in localities isolated from the audience at large, but it spreads better when exposed to more people.
Burger enthusiast @georgemucus asks which wrestler would do justice in the Terry Funk role if a remake of Roadhouse were ever to come to pass.
Many moons have passed since I've seen Roadhouse, but the Funker is a wholly unique character in wrestling history. The most like him now is probably Eddie Kingston, so let's go with the War King.
The Internet's foremost fanatic for Square Enix, @AeonsTorn, asks who has the best powerbomb of all-time.
So many great wrestlers have broken out terrific powerbombs. Do I go with Jushin Thunder Liger, for whom the sitout variant is named? What about Kevin Nash's iconic-for-its-laziness jackknife? Big Van Vader? Toshiaki Kawada? All of them have wonderful bombs, but my pick is actually the Undertaker. The Last Ride is one of the most visually impressive bombs ever due to the last ditch thrust into the air at the peak and the impact with which Taker throws the victim down. If any move had to replace the Tombstone Piledriver for a short while, the Last Ride was the move to do it.
@thebatmanny wants to know my favorite match finish ever.
I know the answer is cliche, but WrestleMania 13, Steve Austin bleeding like a stuck pig in the Sharpshooter. Ken Shamrock asked him if he wanted to give up, but he refused to answer. Bret Hart wrenched back without remorse, but Austin wouldn't relent. Finally, he passed out. Shamrock had no other choice but to call the match, even though Austin never said "I quit." It was the perfect storm of tension, drama, and leaving both men in better shape than they were when they entered the ring.
@harpm2012 wants to know if I think Daniel Bryan will be in the Royal Rumble.
At this point, I don't know. The question is, "Should he be in the Rumble if he's not going to win?" Both Joe Roche and Brandon Stroud made the point that if Bryan is in the match and doesn't win, he overshadows whoever does end up the lone guy standing. But then again, what if the rumors of Bryan taking on Sheamus at Mania are true? Wouldn't the best launching point for that feud being Sheamus eliminating Bryan, especially if the mode of elimination was illegal the way Hulk Hogan dropped Sid Justice in 1992? I hate to answer a question with a cop-out "I don't know," but honestly, I just don't know.
@OkoriWadsworth asks what my favorite multi-match series of all-time is.
I know this a neophytic answer, but I wasn't around to watch a lot of the great match series from back in the day like Ric Flair/Ricky Steamboat. With that in mind, I pick John Cena vs. CM Punk. Every time they've gotten in the ring with each other, whether it was before the pipe bomb when Cena would give Punk an inordinate amount of offense, or afterwards when they'd get broadways on pay-per-view, they have delivered for me. Even the infamous match that preceded the formation of the Nexus was really good before the mass interruption. I could watch these two wrestle forever and not get tired of them.
Royal Rumble statistician Scott T. Holland asks if the WWE Network will change fundamentally how WrestleMania XXX is constructed, or whether it'll take time for Vince McMahon and WWE Creative to adjust.
Common logic seems to dictate that WWE can and should be more experimental with their pay-per-view lineups, who is on top, and who gets the shots at those on top in "off" months. However, they still need to keep fishing for subscribers and keeping the ones they get after the six month mandatory period is up. So, while I think they'll switch some kinks up, I'm not sure the formulas will change as drastically as you're thinking they could. However, they would be making a mistake if they DIDN'T experiment a little.
Outspoken Tumblr/Twitter maven @over_as_hell asks whether I prefer corned beef or pastrami on my Reuben.
I'm gonna make a confession here that might shock and awe y'all. I've never had a Reuben. I have an excuse though. As far as sandwiches go, Philly is less a Jewish deli town and more an Italian hoagie city. So I grew up mostly eating salami, capicola, and provolone with light oil on a long roll rather than some kind of beef with Russian dressing, sauerkraut, and Swiss on rye. Personally, I think sauerkraut is gross anyway, so if I did get one, I'd hold the stupid cabbage shit. But I have had both corned beef and pastrami, and between the two, I'd go pastrami. I like black pepper, what can I say?
The folks over at the Bushido Blog want to know if unifying the titles was a ploy to get some credibility to the World Heavyweight Championship for a split later on down the line.
I wouldn't put that as a ploy past WWE, but remember, the real reason behind creating the second belt anyway was because of the brand split. I don't think RAW and Smackdown are becoming separate entities again, which gives them no narrative reason to split the titles. Again, I don't think they would split the titles, but I wouldn't be completely shocked if they did. WWE is a strange company sometimes.
HEIST bro and the world's most tolerable Duke fan @mdetura asks what gimmick match I'd like to see a pay-per-view centered around.
WWE has never done one of these before, but I would totally be all about them centering an event around the torneo cibernetico. For those who don't know, the match is an eight-on-eight tag match with a specific "batting order." It is an elimination match, and the twist is that it doesn't end until one person is left standing. So if one team is left with three guys left, they all battle it out until one is the sole survivor. Especially now that WWE has so many wrestlers who are in the main event or on the cusp of it, the time for a cibernetico has never been better.
Serial favoriter @GayWrestlingFan asks my favorite non-corgi dog breed.
Another truth bomb over here - the corgi is not my favorite dog breed. They're up there, and the proliferation of corgi fandom has made it easy for me to spam them. But my favorite dog breed is the English bulldog. I mean look at this one, LOOK AT IT:
And these two!
HOW CAN YOU STAND IN THE FACE OF SUCH CUTE?
Freelance journalist extraordinaire Ryan Petzar wants to know why he's so pumped for the next two months of wrestling.
The easy answer is that WrestleMania season is when WWE is at its best, but this year, at least right now, the stakes are raised even higher. The roster is rife with possibility, and literally zero WrestleMania matches are set in stone. The only match that has been teased so far is a potential Randy Orton/Batista collision, but even that one could be a fakeout, seeing as Orton is entangled with so many others on the roster now, and Batista has also had beefs hinted at with Brock Lesnar and outright stated with Alberto del Rio.
But in addition to the Mania build, so many things are happening in the world of independent wrestling that need attention. Right now is the best time to expand horizons for fans who may only pay attention to WWE. For example, National Pro Wrestling Day is happening NEXT SATURDAY. AJ Styles and Chris Hero are doing competing dream match tours of the indies, and they'll criss-cross tomorrow in Canada. Pro Wrestling Guerrilla is always a great follow, and their DDT4 tag tournament is going down on Friday. And WrestleMania weekend is as much a canvas for the indies to display their wares as it is for WWE to open up shop. In fact, the WrestleCon supershow main event has been announced as Kevin Steen vs. Masato Tanaka. Verily, the next two months are going to be a buffet for wrestling fans (and that's not even taking into account the WWE NETWORK).
@JB_Shakes asks the eternal question: Should the Undertaker's Streak remain intact, or should it be broken?
What benefit would Taker have to keep the Streak into retirement? Wrestling isn't about accruing accolades. It never has been. The strong and the prestigious have always had to transfer their power and glory to the next guy. It's how the art keeps getting advanced. Undertaker no doubt should have to lay down before retiring, but the question would be to whom? I don't know the answer to that. I do know that him losing at Mania would be a huge deal and a boon for the guy who ends up doing it, which is why it has to be done.
Elvis-coiffed T. Rex @KevinNewburn wants to know how it's possible for a wrestler to age gracefully.
Sure, but the wrestler in question needs to know his role. For every Sting who continues to be in the main event against any notion of common sense (and to be fair, how much of that is him and how much of it is TNA?), a Terry Funk exists who was in main events as an older man for smaller companies and continued to excel. Ultimately, the wrestler needs to know when to hang 'em up, but some wrestlers can go longer than others. For example, I have no doubt that Bruno Sammartino could probably work a short, old-school match today, but could he be in a main event program? Hell no. Wrestling is great in that age really is nothing but a number, and knowing who is too old usually is seeing the results in the ring. Wrestling is art, and judging art is empirical.
Taco connoisseur @NDEddieMac asks if any possibility exists that The Shield DOESN'T break up at the Rumble.
While I think the final chisel shot in the fissure emerging in the group will come tomorrow, they can delay the total breakage of the group. Maybe they tease the group imploding upon itself but not do it until Elimination Chamber. Maybe the break comes at Mania. Maybe it doesn't come at all, and they continue on. Of course, in that last scenario, I'm a billionaire, and Triple H spends hours a day self-flagellating like a medieval monk. But yeah, WWE storytelling can be erratic in its predictability at times. I would expect the final implosion to happen at the Rumble, but I wouldn't write it down in pen.
Finally, Rowdy N'awlins bro @hakimdropsball asks how a small indie promotion can not only survive but thrive.
The whole key to success is knowing your boundaries. Pro Wrestling Freedom is a promotion in Kentucky that has only gotten bigger reach in recent months thanks to being partnered with some well-known indie wrestling sites. But they were getting boffo live gates before the networking began because they didn't have any pretenses of being more than a local promotion that utilized mostly local talent with some imports like Chuck Taylor, Mickie Knuckles, and Kyle Matthews (and even those three are still local... the furthest import is Matthews, who operates mainly in Georgia). Basically, if you know your limits and know how to grow logically, then I find no reason why an indie promotion can't stay open for a long time, make a lot of money, and draw a lot of fans.
↧
Best Coast Bias: Straighten This Place Up Before The Network Comes Over
 |
| "Lovely celebration you got here, Champ. Be a shame if something...happened to it." Photo Credit: WWE.com |
So here's the best part of NXT being a live show that'll be available with the rest of the Stamford Kool-Aid and tape library treasure trove come a month from now: the narrative may hit pure Heisenberg-level purity instead of still shaming everybody else with their Pinkman-level work in the past 18 months or so.
Here's what we know we're getting come that last week in February: we're getting Zayn/Cesaro IV: It's Just As Personal As It Was The Other Times But Who Cares This Is Going To Be Awesome. We're also slated to see Bo Dallas defend his giant X against the Man That Mother Nature Forgot To Make Good Looking, Adrian Neville. On the road to that double main event the show this week worked out some kinks in one feud and failed at the other.
Antonio Cesaro came out to destroy more of CJ Parker's braincells, and got the rapturous reception he deserved for that and his b-boy stance while posing pre-match on the second rope. Parker got in more Bronx cheers from Full Sail than actual offense to the point where they tried to pretend the We The People chant was actually for William Regal (two things - at least this gave them a cheap excuse to plug the Christmas classic, and where's our favorite villian been, anyhow? Not that Tensai's Alex Riley horrible or even bad, but come on. My Young/Regal ship just sits in calm waters).
Hilariously, Parker gave Cesaro an airplane spin that only served to make himself dizzy; Tony Toni Tone just cracked his neck a couple times, swung CJP around for 10, and Neutralized him. So out-match came Sami Zayn, who's choice of usual attire and crutch due to injury in turn invented a wrestler going Full Dickens. Oh, grow up. And the president of the El Generico Fan Club noted that while 2013 was the crowning year of his career, especi--and before the sentence could be done the MOTY chants were out in force. So he wanted a rematch. Cesaro walked up to him, said no, and headed to the back.
Huhwha?
That could've been an awesome Nixon move, except for the fact that we all know it's going to happen. Part of the rollout when it came to NXT was more eyeballs on Sami and Antonio than they got the last time, to kick off the debut with possibly the best match they could put on. It plastered social media, and the sort of person that watches this show is a regular Sami Callihan when it comes to the Intertubes. Perhaps this is merely due to the taping, but either they should've let it come as a surprise with the handful of remaining shows or Cesaro should've just accepted on the general principle that he's already beaten Sami twice.
NXT's greatness stems in large part from their consistency in keeping a very tight narrative thread. Sometimes it leads to things that make you want to punch a baby in the face, like Miz showing up, CJ being sad he's getting booed, and not much hope of Bad News Barrett Stadler and Waldorfing their upcoming match. (Then again, with this being Full Sail, the crowd might do it for him.) But CJ Parker is doing the entirely justifiable heel turn, Miz felt anybody cutting off his mouthy dictatorship of Self-Aggrandizistan was disrespectful, and Parker slapped him and did his Roadrunner impersonation when Miz looked like he was going to go after him. You don't need to like it to see how it follows logic. Even more disconcerting was that when it came to the rematch for Neville against Dallas, every link in that chain rang true.
The show seemed to be ending in earnest with a banner-raising ceremony celebrating Bo's official ascension to longest reigning NXT Champion ever, whether the fans were facing the ring while it happened or not. What would've been pretty predictable would've been some kind of defacing of the banner. It didn't happen, however. Someone will probably have to SABU FTW Title nameplate the banner to keep it caught up with the number of days, but that's besides the point. TMTMNFTMGL made a reappearance, having kicked off the show with the Red Arrowing of the newest of the new Blackjacks, Wesley Blake.
That done, Neville came out to try to get Bo to shut up and cause some admittedly funny "He's a wanker" chants that the Champion sold as being gleefully bolivious. Dallas noted how it'd taken Neville 4:45 to win the Beat the Clock challenge and how he couldn't last that long against him -- again, like Cesaro, the whole of my argument would've been I Done Beat You Already, Son -- when Triple H popped up on the Tron to make a BCC with them in it, and all Neville had to do was not get pinned in 285 seconds. Taken by surprise in his fitted shirt and slacks, Dallas wasn't much except a small couple of squalls of back elbows and knee drops. Neville stuck and moved, and wisely stalled a couple of times since the clock was his virtual Oliver Grey. Post-match, Dallas tried a bum rush and got dropped and Red on him for his troubles. That sets up the $64,000 Question for the next month: can Neville win the big X?
Even if he does, he needs to be afraid that Alexander Rusev could eat him and take it. The land monster's been doing that ever since his debut, and this week he broke Xavier Woods' back and made him humble again. Subtle changes are afoot even if the glut of his being is pretty set in stone. Shorts have replaced the former attire, and Lana may call for a post-match Accolade not knowing Sin Camacho is lying in wait to make the save, but anything he's been able to get in his hands has been summarily destroyed with brute force up to and including short-arm Cro-Cop kicks to the chest. It's not a matter of if, but when for the foreigners.
It's almost like realizing Bayley's awesome: one minute you're looking around awkwardly while she hugs you, and then you recognize awesome when you see it and eventually you're celebrating victories with full-on hugs with no side eye or recriminations. Yes, the returning Charlotte and the rest of the Biffles are delusional, but Summer's the only one who got Sharpshootered so much her feet almost touched the back of her head. Again, Natalya looked better in the ring against NXT talent then she usually gets to be on the big shows vs. anybody who's not the reigning holder and defender of the Lisa Frank Memorial belt. Both blondes traded big shots without the match getting dirty, and NattieKat unveiled some new moves going forward that she needs to incorporate into her offense. And that single leg takedown into the Sharpshooter? You'd think she was born to do this or something. Even better, Renee Young showed up to outclass all the boys.
But all these things mean nothing without that top-shelf Show of the Year narrative tightness, NXT. Don't run over my foot while I'm singing and call me S A W F T SAWFT is all I ask. That and the Renee/Regal thing.
Here's what we know we're getting come that last week in February: we're getting Zayn/Cesaro IV: It's Just As Personal As It Was The Other Times But Who Cares This Is Going To Be Awesome. We're also slated to see Bo Dallas defend his giant X against the Man That Mother Nature Forgot To Make Good Looking, Adrian Neville. On the road to that double main event the show this week worked out some kinks in one feud and failed at the other.
Antonio Cesaro came out to destroy more of CJ Parker's braincells, and got the rapturous reception he deserved for that and his b-boy stance while posing pre-match on the second rope. Parker got in more Bronx cheers from Full Sail than actual offense to the point where they tried to pretend the We The People chant was actually for William Regal (two things - at least this gave them a cheap excuse to plug the Christmas classic, and where's our favorite villian been, anyhow? Not that Tensai's Alex Riley horrible or even bad, but come on. My Young/Regal ship just sits in calm waters).
Hilariously, Parker gave Cesaro an airplane spin that only served to make himself dizzy; Tony Toni Tone just cracked his neck a couple times, swung CJP around for 10, and Neutralized him. So out-match came Sami Zayn, who's choice of usual attire and crutch due to injury in turn invented a wrestler going Full Dickens. Oh, grow up. And the president of the El Generico Fan Club noted that while 2013 was the crowning year of his career, especi--and before the sentence could be done the MOTY chants were out in force. So he wanted a rematch. Cesaro walked up to him, said no, and headed to the back.
Huhwha?
That could've been an awesome Nixon move, except for the fact that we all know it's going to happen. Part of the rollout when it came to NXT was more eyeballs on Sami and Antonio than they got the last time, to kick off the debut with possibly the best match they could put on. It plastered social media, and the sort of person that watches this show is a regular Sami Callihan when it comes to the Intertubes. Perhaps this is merely due to the taping, but either they should've let it come as a surprise with the handful of remaining shows or Cesaro should've just accepted on the general principle that he's already beaten Sami twice.
NXT's greatness stems in large part from their consistency in keeping a very tight narrative thread. Sometimes it leads to things that make you want to punch a baby in the face, like Miz showing up, CJ being sad he's getting booed, and not much hope of Bad News Barrett Stadler and Waldorfing their upcoming match. (Then again, with this being Full Sail, the crowd might do it for him.) But CJ Parker is doing the entirely justifiable heel turn, Miz felt anybody cutting off his mouthy dictatorship of Self-Aggrandizistan was disrespectful, and Parker slapped him and did his Roadrunner impersonation when Miz looked like he was going to go after him. You don't need to like it to see how it follows logic. Even more disconcerting was that when it came to the rematch for Neville against Dallas, every link in that chain rang true.
The show seemed to be ending in earnest with a banner-raising ceremony celebrating Bo's official ascension to longest reigning NXT Champion ever, whether the fans were facing the ring while it happened or not. What would've been pretty predictable would've been some kind of defacing of the banner. It didn't happen, however. Someone will probably have to SABU FTW Title nameplate the banner to keep it caught up with the number of days, but that's besides the point. TMTMNFTMGL made a reappearance, having kicked off the show with the Red Arrowing of the newest of the new Blackjacks, Wesley Blake.
That done, Neville came out to try to get Bo to shut up and cause some admittedly funny "He's a wanker" chants that the Champion sold as being gleefully bolivious. Dallas noted how it'd taken Neville 4:45 to win the Beat the Clock challenge and how he couldn't last that long against him -- again, like Cesaro, the whole of my argument would've been I Done Beat You Already, Son -- when Triple H popped up on the Tron to make a BCC with them in it, and all Neville had to do was not get pinned in 285 seconds. Taken by surprise in his fitted shirt and slacks, Dallas wasn't much except a small couple of squalls of back elbows and knee drops. Neville stuck and moved, and wisely stalled a couple of times since the clock was his virtual Oliver Grey. Post-match, Dallas tried a bum rush and got dropped and Red on him for his troubles. That sets up the $64,000 Question for the next month: can Neville win the big X?
Even if he does, he needs to be afraid that Alexander Rusev could eat him and take it. The land monster's been doing that ever since his debut, and this week he broke Xavier Woods' back and made him humble again. Subtle changes are afoot even if the glut of his being is pretty set in stone. Shorts have replaced the former attire, and Lana may call for a post-match Accolade not knowing Sin Camacho is lying in wait to make the save, but anything he's been able to get in his hands has been summarily destroyed with brute force up to and including short-arm Cro-Cop kicks to the chest. It's not a matter of if, but when for the foreigners.
It's almost like realizing Bayley's awesome: one minute you're looking around awkwardly while she hugs you, and then you recognize awesome when you see it and eventually you're celebrating victories with full-on hugs with no side eye or recriminations. Yes, the returning Charlotte and the rest of the Biffles are delusional, but Summer's the only one who got Sharpshootered so much her feet almost touched the back of her head. Again, Natalya looked better in the ring against NXT talent then she usually gets to be on the big shows vs. anybody who's not the reigning holder and defender of the Lisa Frank Memorial belt. Both blondes traded big shots without the match getting dirty, and NattieKat unveiled some new moves going forward that she needs to incorporate into her offense. And that single leg takedown into the Sharpshooter? You'd think she was born to do this or something. Even better, Renee Young showed up to outclass all the boys.
But all these things mean nothing without that top-shelf Show of the Year narrative tightness, NXT. Don't run over my foot while I'm singing and call me S A W F T SAWFT is all I ask. That and the Renee/Regal thing.
↧
Royal Rumble by (Entry) Numbers: A Recap
 |
| Cena's one of four who have multiple "best" spots Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Four men appear on the list twice — Hulk Hogan, John Cena, Randy Orton and, somewhat sadly, Rob Van Dam. It’s somewhat amazing only five on the list are no longer among the living. It’s far less surprising to see many names in both the “wrestler” column and the “Eliminated by” column, as Rumbles tend to ultimately pair up legends with each other.
If there’s one takeaway from this series, it’s the staggering amount of inconsequential Royal Rumble performances over the years. I could have compiled a list of the worst of the worst, but oftentimes horrible things happen to talented performers as a matter of consequence. Perhaps nothing is better evidence of this than Shawn Michaels’ 12-second showing in 1990.
With the probable exception of Dino Bravo (the best No. 17), no one made the “best of” list accidentally. For these men, their time in the spotlight on a given night was with great intent. Whether to tell a “wire to wire” story to build up an underdog’s stature or to shed light on the dominating presence of a newer face in the crowd, the Royal Rumble each year highlights at least one wrestler and affords the opportunity to create moments that will live in on that hall of fame reel years down the road.
Obviously with 30 spots and 26 Rumbles there would be a few years showing up more than once on the list, though no consideration was given to that component during the analytical process. Yet what is more memorable from the 1990 Rumble than the Hogan-Ultimate Warrior showdown? Fitting they both find a place here. Others, such as the Big Boss Man and Big Show from 2000 show perhaps maybe something more important happened elsewhere on the card that night.
And of course, removing everything from its context is going to lead to such anomalies. Neither Boss Man nor Big Show were the biggest story of that night’s Rumble match (it was either the Rock as winner or his relative, Rikishi, making the first seven eliminations). It’s just the quirkiness of what numbers the men drew and what else happened from those same spots over a quarter of a century.
While breaking down spots 1 through 30, there’s never been a great chance to look at the only men to enter a Rumble from 31 to 40. But let this be said: if there’s ever another 40-man Rumble, it won’t be at all difficult to improve upon just about every performance from the last ten men in the 2011 Rumble. Santino Marella entered 37th, lasted 12:54 and finished second — with no eliminations. Alberto Del Rio entered 38th and won, but his 9:33 is the fourth shortest of any winner, and his two eliminations joins him with Edge and Big John Studd as the least of any winner not named Vince McMahon. Randy Orton entered 39th and made three eliminations in 8:18 to finish third, but that wouldn’t hold a candle to some of the best showings from the penultimate entry spots in every other Rumble.
So as the 2014 Rumble fast approaches, my main hope is this daily series helped introduce and sustain excitement for what reliably is the most entertaining hour of WWE programming each year. As I joked on Twitter recently, my kids are going to have to tell the nursing home staff: “Just put on a Royal Rumble. He'll shut up for a solid hour.” (That said, if one of those orderlies tries to sneak in 1995, I will not be held responsible for walker-induced damages.)
It will be interesting to see if any performance tonight will be strong enough to crack the following list. If you’re keeping score at home, there are several possibilities: spots 9, 10, 12, 13, 14, 17 and possibly 20 are fairly low bars to clear. Any of the 15 spots on the list that don’t feature a winner are potentially unseatable, it’s just that it’s easier to eclipse Davey Boy Smith (No. 14, 1991) than The Rock (No. 4, 1998).
Conventional wisdom is nothing will ever top Ric Flair in 1992, from any position. Considering two men have lasted a few minutes longer with six eliminations instead of five, and yet we all still choose Flair (the tiebreaker goes to the guy who won not only the match but also the WWF Title, and don’t sleep on the quality of competition factor) it seems his distinction is safe. Not unassailable, perhaps, but pretty close to out of reach.
That’s enough blabbering from me. As soon as the statistics from this year’s Rumble are finalized I’ll be back with a breakdown of who did what and where it fits historically. There’s very little chance of anyone making a major push up the list of all-time greats simply because the 20 announced entrants haven’t cracked the upper echelon yet. The best-case scenario is for one or two guys to move into the discussion. For now, Shawn Michaels, Steve Austin, Hulk Hogan, Kane, Triple H and the like have little to worry about.
Now it’s really enough blabbering. Get the Fink down here to explain the rules and let’s get this party started already!
Year | Wrestler | In | Dur. | Out | # | Eliminated By |
2004 | Chris Benoit | 1 | 1:01:30 | - | 6 | (Winner) |
2006 | Rey Mysterio | 2 | 1:02:12 | - | 6 | (Winner) |
1992 | Ric Flair | 3 | 0:59:26 | - | 5 | (Winner) |
1998 | Rock | 4 | 0:51:32 | 28 | 3 | Austin |
1997 | Steve Austin | 5 | 0:45:07 | - | 10 | (Winner) |
2001 | Glenn Jacobs (Kane) | 6 | 0:53:46 | 29 | 11 | Austin |
1994 | Diesel | 7 | 0:17:41 | 13 | 7 | Bigelow, Mabel, Holly, Michaels, Crush |
2009 | Randy Orton | 8 | 0:48:27 | - | 3 | (Winner) |
2000 | Big Boss Man | 9 | 0:22:47 | 15 | 3 | Rock |
2009 | Ted DiBiase Jr. | 10 | 0:45:11 | 27 | 1 | Triple H |
2013 | Sheamus | 11 | 0:37:23 | 28 | 5 | Ryback |
2003 | Rob Van Dam | 12 | 0:33:56 | 26 | 2 | Kane |
1988 | Jim Duggan | 13 | 0:14:43 | - | 3 | (Winner) |
1991 | Davey Boy Smith | 14 | 0:36:43 | 26 | 1 | Earthquake, Knobbs |
2009 | Cody Rhodes | 15 | 0:37:01 | 28 | 2 | Triple H |
2007 | Randy Orton | 16 | 0:27:15 | 27 | 2 | Michaels |
1988 | Dino Bravo | 17 | 0:08:12 | 18 | 2 | Gang |
1996 | Shawn Michaels | 18 | 0:26:09 | - | 8 | (Winner) |
2013 | John Cena | 19 | 0:26:39 | - | 4 | (Winner) |
2006 | Rob Van Dam | 20 | 0:23:52 | 27 | 3 | Mysterio |
1990 | Ultimate Warrior | 21 | 0:14:29 | 25 | 6 | Hogan, Barbarian, Rude |
2011 | John Cena | 22 | 0:34:17 | 36 | 7 | Miz* |
1994 | Lex Luger | 23 | 0:21:58 | - | 6 | (Co-winner) |
1991 | Hulk Hogan | 24 | 0:19:55 | - | 7 | (Winner) |
1990 | Hulk Hogan | 25 | 0:12:49 | - | 5 | (Winner) |
2000 | Big Show | 26 | 0:11:12 | 29 | 4 | Rock |
1993 | Yokozuna | 27 | 0:14:53 | - | 7 | (Winner) |
2005 | Batista | 28 | 0:10:54 | - | 6 | (Winner) |
2003 | Brock Lesnar | 29 | 0:08:59 | - | 4 | (Winner) |
2007 | Undertaker | 30 | 0:13:15 | - | 3 | (Winner) |
↧
↧
Instant Feedback from a Live Audience: 2014 Royal Rumble Review
 |
| FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Highlights:
- After taking out Goldust on the outside of the ring, Billy Gunn hit Cody Rhodes with the Fame Asser, winning the WWE Tag Team Championships for the New Age Outlaws in the pre-show.
- Despite having his minions tossed from ringside, Bray Wyatt used two Sister Abigail's Kisses, one off a counter to a plancha, to put down Daniel Bryan.
- Brock Lesnar viciously attacked Big Show before the bell. Show never got a chance to recover all too much, and Lesnar put him down with the F5.
- Thanks to a distraction from the Wyatt Family and a well-placed RKO, Randy Orton retained the WWE World Championship over John Cena.
- Roman Reigns set the elimination record in the Royal Rumble with 12. However, he couldn't translate it into a win, as Batista eliminated him to win the Royal Rumble match.
General Observations:
- Jim Duggan wearing a suit only made me think of the phrase "Unfrozen Caveman Hacksaw." However, he was dressed better than Shawn Michaels, who looked like he just came off the set of his shitty hunting show. Christ, when the drooling dude whose sole purpose was to get people chanting USA! USA! is dressed better than you, it might be time to stay home.
- OLD SCHOOL NUMBER DRAW SEGMENT! YES! Of course Damien Sandow got the lulzworthy draw though. Just been that kind of year for him.
- The Pittsburgh crowd was chanting along with Road Dogg's opening spiel. I'd have blamed them for being sheepish, but shouldn't the fucking New Age Outlaws have known that they're the heels in this situation?
- Goldust may be the most adaptable wrestler of all-time. Most wrestlers pare their movesets when they hit their 40s. Goldie was busting out a tope con giro off the apron in his tonight. Amazing what that man continues to do for his career.
- Cody Rhodes countered the pumphandle slam into Cross Rhodes, which was easily the best spot in the match.
- As soon as Goldust ate the barricade, I knew what the result was going to be in this match. Fuck, what's next, Big E Langston losing the belt to Val "Kaptain Kannabis" Venis?
- No, seriously, "Kaptain Kannabis" is what Venis has as his Twitter name nowadays. Dude also claims to be a Constitution-loving libertarian, but he spent all day Saturday rattling off all his executive orders like he didn't know two other branches of government existed.
- Moving onto Rumble picks, and Duggan selected Dolph Ziggler as his winner. Either he was pulling a Chris Berman and tipping his hat to a return, or he didn't know what he was talking about. Still, Duggan was better at his job of analyzing a "fake" sport than most NFL studio analysts do at analyzing their real ones. Most pleasant surprise of the night.
- The pre-match staredown between Daniel Bryan and Bray Wyatt was amazing. Bryan legitimately looked like he wanted to kill Wyatt, and Wyatt's blank stare and talking to himself was regoddamndiculously on point for his character.
- The camera work when the Family got tossed and Bryan came in like a diving eagle on a flopping fish was exquisite. Also, I loved the juxtaposition of Wyatt telling Luke Harper "I don't need you to fight this war for me" and Bryan coming in to make Wyatt's statement look foolish was outstanding too. Sometimes, the wrestlers within a match can frame a story a billion times better than the writers can do out of it, and by sometimes, I mean all the time.
- CURB STOMP? SHOUT OUT TO SUPER DRAGON AND/OR CHEERLEADER MELISSA.
- I would be scared taking that rocket senton from Wyatt in the ring, let alone on the floor. To that point in the match, it had felt more like the Battle of the Bulge than a wrestling match.
- Oh God, Wyatt found a way to make his spider walk even creepier by just falling limp and rising up like a Dry-bones in Super Mario Bros. 3.
- Biting Bryan's hand to escape the YES! Lock was the most Bray Wyatt thing he's done on the big roster so far.
- Oh man, Sister Abigail's Kiss ONTO THE BARRICADE?
- "Ladies and gentlemen, and you, Renee..." Oh fuck you Heyman. Don't throw shade at Renee Young like that, you ECW-killing thief.
- Brock Lesnar just up and murked Big Show from jump, because even he knows they couldn't follow that Wyatt/Bryan match with any semblance of an actual long-form wrestling match.
- At one point during the fracas, referee Mike Chiota bailed and looked like he was going to run to the back. I wouldn't have blamed him.
- Did someone forget to tell Show and Lesnar that the rating was TV-PG? The seven-second delay censors got a workout tonight.
- I don't care how many times he's done it, Lesnar F5ing Big Show never looks unimpressive. BAH GAWD.
- The biggest bump of the night to date was Lesnar shoving Chiota to the ground, and the prior match featured Bryan getting his face shoved into the barricade forcefully.
- The Shield cut a promo, and Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose asked each other for their numbers. They both balked, of course, and Ambrose replied "I have all the numbers." Oh Dean.
- John Cena's new shirt had the same color scheme as the New Age Outlaws' new one. Man, WWE's merch department is getting lazy.
- The crowd could not give a fuck about the Cena/Randy Orton match from jump, as they went right in with "DANIEL BRYAN" chants. They'd go onto chant for Chris Jericho, Kurt Angle, Randy Savage (Orton gave a knowing smirk at that one, nice), and capped it all off with "This is awful." The sad thing was, the match wasn't that bad, but I could empathize with the crowd. I didn't wanna see another Cena/Orton match either, especially one with no stipulations.
- OF course, at the "Jericho" chant, Cena teased the Walls. Say what you want about the man, but he knows how to roll with the punches.
- The way Orton and Cena were throwing MOVEZ out at the end, especially each others' signatures, felt like they were trying to parody what they thought a Ring of Honor main event was.
- If the endgame was going to have the Wyatt Family come out, then why pull out the ref bump? That was just another example of not knowing that sometimes, less is more.
- But yeah, if you had told me three years ago that Brodie Lee was going to be throwing kicks at John Cena at the second biggest pay-per-view of the year, I'd probably have laughed at you. What a world this is.
- Rhodes delivering the Cross Rhodes to Damien Sandow was a nice nod to continuity. And I guess if the main story of "Sandow gets pooped on" continues, Punk eliminating him first was another nod as well.
- The fifth guy out was Kane, who literally tore off his business shirt upon heading to the ring. He wrestled in business casual. I think I love Libertarian Office Kane.
- ALEXANDER RUSEV WAS THE SIXTH MAN IN! HOLY POOP! AND THE ANNOUNCERS ACKNOWLEDGED HIS FEUD WITH KOFI KINGSTON! THE STREAMS CROSSED! THE STREAMS CROSSED!
- He may not have eliminated anyone, but man, Rusev was made to look like a million bucks in his short time in the match. He hossed people around, got in some key offense, and it took a village to eliminate him.
- Kingston got TWO big death-defying elimination avoidance moments. First, he got planted onto the guardrail by Rusev after being tossed into his arms. He got up and MADE THE LEAP from the guardrail to the ring apron. Then, Jack Swagger had him hanging down with his ankles holding onto the bottom rope. Kingston removed Swagger's boot and HIT HIM with it, and then climbed back into the ring. His offense and timing might be shit, but he sure does have a knack for those cool Rumble moments.
- Both Ambrose and Reigns entered via the ramp and not the crowd. Weak.
- Duggan WAS pulling a Berman, because Ziggler drew No. 12. And of course, his first order of business was going FULL ZIGGLER, because that man has no goddamn regard for his own safety.
- Kevin Nash came out to his nWo music. That visual was cool for a second, and I liked that Reigns eliminated him as symbolism for his own "Diesel push," but Nash's novelty wore off when he came out as Diesel a few years back.
- Goldust eliminated Rhodes, and then was eliminated promptly by Reigns. A twist on the prior years when the younger brother would be the one doing the tossing, but I guess this is how their Mania feud is going to start.
- Drawing No. 17... SHEAMUS! Even though he'll more than likely devolve into some kind of shitty racist feud and be utterly butt outside of the ring, I missed seeing that big galoot inside of it.
- EL TORITO MADE THE ROYAL RUMBLE! YES! BEST RUMBLE EVER! Well, it wasn't the best Rumble ever, but dammit, so glad El Torito got to be in. He was made to be a guest appearance in this match.
- Fandango teasing eliminating Torito with the military press was funny, especially when he ended up eating a headscissors that led to his own tossing, but when Reigns did the same to the little bull, I was legitimately afraid he was going to end up in the third row. Reigns probably could have tossed him halfway to Cleveland, but I'm glad he held back some.
- Antonio Cesaro hit the ring and right away got to work giant swinging The Miz. I dug Punk giving a subtle nod to Kassius Ohno/Chris Hero by busting out the dropkick finish on the move, which was one of the Kings of Wrestling's staples back in the halcyon days of yore.
- 20 swings of the giant on Rollins!
- Then Cesaro got into it with Luke Harper, and I got Chikara flashbacks. The worlds, they are melding!
- Right when JBL was announced to be in the Rumble, I thought I saw Kane still lurking around ringside.
- JBL was eliminated in like ten seconds, and he got a "You Still Got It!" chant DRIPPING with sarcasm. Best chant ever.
- No. 30 was... Rey Mysterio. No Daniel Bryan for the Rumble match. When Mysterio hit the ring, the crowd turned absolutely sour. I mean, they curdled like sour milk. Honestly, I don't know if I could have blamed them.
- Not only did Reigns eliminate both Rollins and Ambrose simultaneously, but he nabbed Cesaro too. Getting the "Diesel push" is one thing, but Reigns looked damn beastly in the process.
- Sheamus did a Finlay roll and pointed prematurely to the WrestleMania sign. Haha.
- When the final two were revealed as Reigns and Batista, the crowd was in full hate mode. They finally warmed up to Reigns, which I thought was a positive sign. Neither guy really deserved the hate; that all should have fallen on WWE Creative and Vince McMahon, but Reigns especially didn't need their shit. He was a perfectly viable winner.
- Of course, that meant Batista would be the one who had to win. What a shit way to end a perfectly cromluent match.
- Seriously, the crowd absolutely defecated on that finish. I read a bunch of reports that Batista flipped off the crowd and mocked the YES! chants too, so maybe WWE has a silver lining in place? I don't know, but yeah, that finish sucked maggot cheese out of mold-encrusted sponge.
Match of the Night:Daniel Bryan vs. Bray Wyatt - Bray Wyatt and Daniel Bryan went out in the proper opening of the Royal Rumble event, told everyone to top that, and no one could even come close. I could write nothing more about this match, and the description would be sufficient, but no lie, Bray Wyatt and Daniel Bryan told everyone else to "top that," and no one came close. Brock Lesnar and Big Show didn't even try. John Cena and Randy Orton weren't physically able to. The Rumble was the Rumble. But this match was the best non-Rumble match at the Royal Rumble event in history.
Bryan did all the things that have made Bryan matches great in his history. He bumped hard. Apron spots are still coming into vogue in WWE, but he set the bar high by taking that extra-fast arm-wringer from Wyatt. Then he let Wyatt senton him on the floor, and I am not sure what he was thinking when he agreed to take the Sister Abigail's Kiss into the barricade. No sane man would take that spot, but Bryan, by all accounts, is a guy who takes his craft very seriously. Of course he was going to throw himself into the wind like he always does. However, the way he escalated his offense, especially with the curb stomp, set him apart in other performances. The dude wrestled like he was trying to kill a man who had been tormenting him for months.
And Wyatt turned in his first signature match in a big league ring since adopting the persona. He even found a way to make the inverted crab walk look even creepier, but he actually put it together in the ring completely. He was confident, diabolical, and sharp. His facial expressions were amazing, and his knack for offense was second to none. All in all, both men looked like they hit harder, tore at each other more intensely, and put their beef in corporeal form for the time they got to tell their story. One was a master at work that was known to us. The other was a wild card who needed something to hang his fedora on. They overdelivered, and their performance may have salvaged an otherwise dreary show.
Overall Thoughts: WWE blew it.
Obviously, Daniel Bryan not even being in the Rumble was the spark that set the fuse, but the creative direction could've gone in nearly any other way. Literally, El Torito could have won, and the company would have been better off for Mania. However, Batista winning the Rumble was as big a fuck you to any semblance of creative direction. Bryan has been screwed for months. Cody Rhodes has unfinished business with Orton. Any member of The Shield could have turned inward against their ally during all this. But they went with the returning "star" who won't actually be able to pimp his movie because it's not a WWE Films production. The last time he was a good babyface was when he won the Rumble for the first time. WWE still has time to course-correct, but man, things aren't looking good for the immediate future.
I'm not one to book in reaction to crowds shitting on things, and a great direction should be in place regardless of what an outlier group of people thinks, but Bryan has been over everywhere, and he has a story behind him. That story happens to coincide with the Championship, and hey, what do you know, no matter how much WWE wants to pretend that people care about the angles, in spite of the booking team's best efforts, the WWE World Heavyweight Championship is fucking over.
Of course, Bryan is going to be fine overall because he's a fantastic wrestler and he can get a crowd behind him with his mic work. But while giving the crowd what it wants all the time is a bad idea, times exist where the best option is probably a resolution to a long term story. Ring of Honor is arguably STILL trying to recover from putting their Championship on Tyler Black two years too late. The WrestleMania Era was built upon Hulk Hogan's back, and Hogan was gift-wrapped to them by a clueless Verne Gagne. The Monday Night Wars were won on the strength of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, a guy they wanted to fucking name Chilly McFreeze for crying out loud. He got over after everything broke his way. Yet WWE still wants to believe that they can't enter the Network Era on the efforts of a true folk hero.
But Batista is the same kind of recursive booking that has made Vince McMahon lazy in the last decade since he bought WCW. This decision is like having Bruno Sammartino come out and beat The Iron Sheik, or like Howdy Doody Bob Backlund beating Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania XIV. At least if Reigns won the Rumble, the narrative would have been moving forward.
The Rock coming back to engage in a clash of the titans with John Cena was worth doing because that dude is a fucking movie star legit, and that match had enough juice to do twice, and the story was at least redeemable and defensible. Batista walked out on the company because he allegedly was pissed that he couldn't curse or bleed, and has been in bit roles that wouldn't even amount to Roddy Piper's turn in They Live. He was the milquetoast option, no matter what crowd that it was in front of.
Of course, the counterargument is "WAIT AND SEE," but I've been waiting and seeing with Bryan for the last fucking five months. Sure, Batista can turn heel the next night and render Orton a non-factor, setting up a true underdog battle into Mania. That is a thing that can possibly and plausibly happen. But sometimes, when a decision so godawful is made in the moment by a company that is not known for making great artistic choices in storytelling, you'd have to forgive me and people like me for reacting in such a manner.
So the Rumble event gets distilled down to one crummy booking decision, doesn't it? Well, maybe I should have seen it coming. They kicked the whole thing off by having the Rhodes Boys drop their straps to an even more recursive option. The New Age fucking Outlaws can't give a better rub to the Usos or Real Americans than the Rhodes Boys could have. But hey, I'm just some fucking jerkoff on the Internet, right?
↧
The Highlight of the Rumble Match
 |
| Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Seriously, I don't know how he keeps an odious shtick entertaining each week, but Zeb Colter keeps making his racist anti-immigration platform working in mysterious ways. Maybe the audience was supposed to feel good when Big Show knocked him out because his character is just so over the top with how awful it is? I dunno. Colter continues to be the most entertaining worst human being ever, and as long as he isn't portrayed as some kind of hero, that's okay with me.
↧
Art and the Public Trust: An Essay on WWE and Its Relationship with Its Fans
 |
| Is WWE's vision for Bryan the correct one from an artistic standpoint? Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Wrestling is not a sport. No matter what anyone wishes to say about the matter, promotions involved follow distinct scripts. The action is pre-determined and in many cases choreographed before the match begins. Even matches 100 percent called in the ring have that predetermination, even if the script is improvised moments before it is played out. Wrestlers are performance artists. The road agents are the directors, and the creative staff and bookers create literature.
So, because wrestling is an absolute art, those rhetorical questions come into play for any singular promotion, none under more deserved scrutiny than WWE. They, more than any company, are under the intense pressure of balancing their art with the expectation of fulfilling the public trust. They are the only publicly traded wrestling company in America, so how far does their artistic vision extend into the expectation of what their fans theoretically want to see?
Using the "it's their art" defense for most of the decisions people within the company make works only inasmuch as WWE is an arthouse. Their writers produce the works they want judged, and theoretically, they do not have a moral obligation to follow a certain script. However, what happens when every decision they make over a given period of time is roundly rejected? These rejections are not just coming from this nebulous, often unfairly collated group of fans that the fastidiously ignorant call "The Internet" anymore, either. The reactions are as vociferous as they are vitriolic. At each arena, the status quo is being rejected, and the demands for a new order, one that includes Dolph Ziggler, Goldust (I don't care how old he is, he hasn't been close to a main event since 1997, and he continually reinvents himself), Cody Rhodes, and especially Daniel Bryan, are thunderously requested.
WWE can take the hardline approach that its artistic vision trumps anything their populace wants to see, and as long as folks keep coming around, the administration will continue to do as it pleases. But that mindset might be dishonest in that the company does not give off any indication that it sees itself as an arthouse instead of a business, which only makes their failings in displaying the folks people want to see even more baffling.
I may not understand business as well as those who have degrees or who analyze it for a living for respected publications (none of which include a single wrestling newsletter), I do know that crowd reactions mean something. They are often the precursor for other positive signs in growth. So what if Bryan hasn't meant ratings growth over the last year? The way people analyze ratings is totally wrong nowadays anyway, and if that metric is absolute, then why the fuck is Randy Orton still being given a godfather push? Pay-per-view buyrates haven't moved positively, but Bryan's run at the top was during a traditionally lulled period. Plus, after February 23, pay-per-view buys won't mean a goddamn thing anymore. Bryan sells merchandise. Hell, Ziggler sells it to. Zack fucking Ryder was a mover back before he was shunted to a permanent seat at catering. Do they sell as much as John Cena or CM Punk? No, but comparing those two groups of wrestlers is like saying a baseball team shouldn't acquire Evan Longoria, Joey Votto, or Troy Tulowitzki because they're not as good as Mike Trout or Miguel Cabrera.
But this essay really isn't about the business side of things, and WWE certainly isn't the only company that engages in questionable artistic decisions. Chikara closed its doors, fractured the narrative into seven different child companies, and thrust most of its creative direction into a virally distributed pulp tale based on cryptic conspiracy sites and slow-moving YouTube videos. The same questions could be asked of its auteurs that are being asked of WWE. Why won't Mike Quackenbush and company give the fans wrestling matches and shows under the Chikara name? Why did they drag this whole story out for as long as they have giving what amounts to scraps and scavenger hunts? Chikara is not publicly traded, but it's run the same risks as WWE. Because no one is giving art grants to wrestling companies, every promotion has to have some moral fulfillment to the public trust. The trade-off is cruel, but the difference between Chikara and WWE is that the former at least has a pretense of listening to its core fans.
Obviously, the Championship is not the only thing in wrestling. However, no matter how much I might theorize about a company being more than its hardware, at least the WWE World Championship is still over as all get out. The paying customers still seem to think that the best guy in the company should at least be wrestling for that title. I don't need to get into the minds of each individual crowd member to know this. Every live crowd since the RAW when Cena handpicked Bryan as his opponent at SummerSlam has been a raucous approval of the man as Champion.
At what point does WWE have to compromise and make an artistic vision based on what its fans want? At what point does the promotion stop pretending that it doesn't need help creating stars, and that its vision is not enough to satisfy its paying customers? What will it take for WWE to realize that when it asks the fans to participate in the show by cheering and booing that the showrunners are hypocrites for ignoring this kind of reaction for so long?
The easy answer is that WWE is theoretically beholden to no one but its own creative vision. But that vision has proven to be recycled, rehashed, and boring at times. I don't remain a steadfast fan of the programming because its bookers and writers have a great gameplan. The wrestlers and their performances are what keep me hooked. I could forgive WWE if it was presenting something avant garde like Chikara is right now, but I'm afraid that Vince McMahon's lack of understanding as to what his company's relationship with balancing art, business, and the public trust should be is going to continue to be a distraction to whatever narrative he wants to produce for his story.
The point in all this is that art sometimes requires struggle and patience from the intended audience, but the way WWE has demanded its fans be patient for what they seem to want feels more like torture than art. Nothing in this world is utopian, and sometimes, even the most courageous and bold artists need might have to make a concession here or there to appease fans. Since WWE is neither courageous nor bold, it might have to lower the bar as to how much artistic carte blanche it can claim.
↧